Okay, so how exactly ARE you supposed to kill Batman?

Cafe Society
1

We’ve had out share of “Batman vs…” thread over the last few months, some of them not even posted by me.

However, of all the theoretical combatants (Including identical doppelgangers of Batman himself), the only ones estimated to present a credible threat to Batman were Yoda, and God. And Batman had a few “angles” he could use on God.

So then, if we stick to a comic book-style continuity, is there actually any way to “take out” Batman?

Since it’s been established that Batman always wins if he’s prepared, and that he’s prepared for damn near anything, the only methods I can think to use against him would be:

a)Strike him down when he’s not expecting it, and before he can possibly retreat and “prepare.”
Obvious, but almost impossible to pull off. 'Maybe if The Flash suddenly went berserk at the JLA Christmas party, and gave Batman an uppercut at .99 c…

or,

b) Poison Bruce Wayne’s coffee.
Which has the slight disadvantage that the murderer would be destined to be discovered by Miss Marple.

So…is there anything that I haven’t considered, but that might still work against the Dark Knight? Telepathic attack? H-Bombing Gotham city? Trained psycho Mandrills?

2

I’m pretty sure he’s ready for death.

3

Throw a piano on him. But make sure he’s looking away first.

4

Nuke Gotham.

5

First, for this to work, you somehow have to keep Batman awake for a week. Make sure he’s sleep deprived for a minimum of 196 hours. Then, fire the Bat-signal. Booby trap the rooftop of Gotham Police headquarters. I recommend mines. Loosen the bricks outside Commissioner Gordon’s window ledge. Put grease on his bat-boots, make him climb down a skyscraper. Cut the brakes on the Batmbile. Switch those non-lethal smoke bombs of his with concentrated cyanide gas. Hang him by his cape. Paint a bull’s-eye on his cowl. Have the Atom crawl through his frontal lobes and give him a lobotomy. Arrange for the Anti-matter Batman to occupy the same space and vibrational frequency and they’ll BOTH blow up. Frame Batman for the 2003 U.S./Canadian blackout, say it was one of his anti-East coast protocols. George W. Bush will retaliate with the full might of the U.S. armed forces and wouldn’t even need evidence of weapons of mass destruction. Poll DC and Marvel comics for a Batman vs. Hulk rematch entitled, “The Dark Knight versus The Maestro.” Stick Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees and Candyman in a time machine and have them pay a visit young Bruce Wayne as a horny teenager. Have him marry ‘Samantha’ from Bewitched and Endora can torture him every day. Make Batman face down an army of murderous vampire Man-Bat clones. Sic Satan on him. Make Scarecrow triple the effectiveness of his fear gas and scare Batman to death. Feed the bats in the Batcave the equivalent of massive diarrhea-inducing laxative. Lock him a room with J.Lo and Ben Affleck. Switch Selina Kyle’s regular lipstick with a Joker-venom laced brand and see if Batman notices. Borrow a trick from the Molecule Man in “Secret Wars” and drop a mountain range dwarfing the Andes on him. Give Batman’s secret identity to Geraldo Rivera, Lex Luthor, Arianna Huffington, Jay Leno and a gossipy grandmother. Plant evidence that Batman is responsible for the MS Blaster virus. Make this a job for Dennis Finch. Four words: Buffy the Batman Slayer. Have Poison Ivy use castor bean extract against him. Sic Saddam Hussien from “South Park” on him. Bring back Ambush Bug, Bat-Mite and TV’s Aunt Harriet to drive him insane. Lock him in a cell with OZ’s Simon Adebisi. Better yet, make that Mike Keller, so he can use Batman like he did Beecher. Have Blofeld, Oddjob, Dr. No, Goldfinger, Jaws and The Man With the Golden Gun take a crack at him. Tell him Catwoman married Catman and is pregnant with his kittens. Tell him Robin’s given up giving hummers. Make him watch Joel Schumacher’s Batman and Robin and give him a cyanide pill. Lure Batman to a stadium of filled with 200,000 drunken members of the National Rifle Association and tell them briefly how anti-gun Batman is. Have him battle The Legion Of Improbably Evil Harvey Characters: Lil’ Spook, Casper, Wendy the Witch, Lil’ Lotta, Lil’ Dot and Irona. Have Cadbury kill Alfred, too. If all else fails… jump him, gag him, knock him out with a narcolepsy-inducing blow-dart, tie him up, break his arms, knees, elbows, nose, sternum, even-numbered ribs, pelvic bone, jaw, fifth spinal vertebrae, collar bone, windpipe and lower lip; then stick him in a gunny sack, stick the gunny sack in a body bag, put all that in a lead-lined casket, put the casket in a lead-lined garbage dumpter, have the garbage dumpster filled with quick-drying concrete from a cement mixer, have a garbage truck fetch the dumpster, quickly drive over to Gotham River and dump it in. When Batman surfaces two minutes later, shoot him in the eye. This should buy you twenty minutes.

That’s plan “A.” Plan “B” is a bit more complicated…

6

A 1920’s style death ray should do the trick.

7

Okay, first off… kill him.

Then decapitate him.

Then cut body all up into little pieces.

Jump on the pieces.

Put the skull on a butcher block.

Crush skull.

Crush it really well.

Keep crushing.

Scrape the goo into a burlap sack.

Shovel up the jumped on body bits into the sack.

Douse bag with lacquer thinner, MEK, ethanol, and higrade gasoline.

Set fire to doused sack, being careful not to immolate self accidentally.

When fire is out, pour mixture of liquid Tide, bleach, and Coca Cola on ashes.

Stir well.

Make a small bat faced plate or bowl out of paste/ash/clay.

Let dry.

Seal plate/bowl in Saran Wrap.

Pack in a medium sized box with packing peanuts.

Seal box with strapping tape and packing tape.

Legibly address on a water proof label.

Affix lable to sealed package.

Take to Fed Ex store and send to my brother in Houston.

Package will disappear into an alternate dimension.

No more Batman. :slight_smile:

8

Place a bomb into his head.
Then put him into a black hole.

9

Simple. Catch him unprepared. :wink:

10

First you lure him into your lair, then you have your henchmen knock him unconscious. Then you hook him up to some deadly but slow acting machine. When he comes to, you gloat at him, saying “I’ve got you now, Caped Crusader. Now, nothing can interfere with my plan to steal the Grace Diamond from the Gotham Natural History Museum”. Then you laugh hysterically and leave.

11

Correction mine.

This might work. If nothing else, I think Batman might have difficulty sitting for a few days.

12

Shoot him with your gun.

You’ve gotta wonder why the bad guys never thought of that one.

13

Don’t forget to leave him his utility belt. It would be shameful to take it away.

14

It doesn’t matter how you kill him. You just know that following his death, DC Comics will make a killing selling six issues of “Funeral for a Superhero”, then about ten issues of “Return of a Superhero” wherein various pretenders to the throne all claiming to be Batman make a comeback, then you’ll have five issues of a huge fight between the pretenders, then somehow the real, genuine Batman will be retconned back into the DC universe. And comic book prospectors will buy up all these issues and keep them in mint condition hoping to make a killing reselling them on ebay ten years later. And real comic book fans will just be disgusted by the whole affair.

15

I think some kind of 1920’s style death ray should do the trick.

16

Turn off the television.

17

Now, that’s just not right. Shame on you. You have a long way to go before you can be considered a supervillain.

18

Retconning is short for “retroactive continuity” and refers to comic book plotlines that reinterpret or outright rewrite previously established plotlines in such a way as to maintain continuity or explain away any implausability going forwards. They’re a lot like George W. Bush presidential addresses.

19

Good grief, trans, do we have to listen to poltical commentary in a Batman thread?

Go to GD or IMHO for that stuff.

20

With kindness, of course.