As you all know, tonight is the big Dallas Dopers’ Conclave. A chance for people who meet and converse on this message board to get together and meet face to face, to the accompaniment of booze and great music.
I know at least some of the people coming must have significant others if not spouses. No one has mentioned bringing them (actually I think one person did). In fact, I don’t recall reading of anyone ever bringing a date to a Doper meeting anywhere. However, my wife is insisting on horning in on this evening. There is NO way I can tell her so, but frankly I don’t want her there. Whenever she announces that she wants to get together with friends from work, I don’t start trying to invite myself along. No, I say, “Have a great time, honey,” and I STAY HOME WITH OUR SON. I do this because I know that she is out celebrating a part of her life that has nothing to do with me. Why can’t she do the same?
Oh, probably, especially since you say she’s “insisting on horning in” when you admittedly haven’t even told her you don’t want her to go.
You might venture a single, tactful “I don’t think you’d enjoy it, honey.” If that doesn’t take, let it go and bring her along; it isn’t worth hurting her feelings over.
She’s probably seen Sally Jesse Raphael do a show on Internet Affairs or some such and now she’s paranoid. Just bring her along and once she sees how innocuous the GT is, tell her that she can go home if she wants and you’ll catch a ride home with one of the guys.
I dont think you are an asshole at all. Even married people need to have some space on their own. I always encouraged my ex to go out with the boys, friends, etc. Sometimes you just need to go and have fun, no responsibilities or worries about having to entertain your spouse because they dont know anyone.
Hope it works out for ya Cheffy.
I opened the door, and look who I found. Damn I’m good
It isn’t the Net Affairs thing because, A, she trusts me, and two, my brother is playing in the band at the club where we’re all meeting so it’s not like I could misbehave even if I wanted to, which I don’t.
Catrandom, have you ever tried to tell a spouse you don’t want them to come with you somewhere? There is no surer way to inspire distrust, however unmerited.
and the reason I don’t want her there is that she has no connection to the other people I’m meeting, which means she will feel excluded when the rest of us are talking about people and events she knows nothing about and will then either sulk or try to monopolize my attention. she won’t have fun and that will make it impossible for ME to have fun.
Chef - I don’t think you’re a bad husband or being unfair. In fact, I think you’re wise for recognizing the situation in advance. I’ve been there, and it took me several events to recognize that having my (now ex) husband around for those events just didn’t work.
The problem is not that you don’t want her to go with you, but that you won’t be able to pay her the attention that she deserves and still be able to gossip with the rest of us SDMBer’s. Try explaining this to her in a way that makes it sound like you’re extremely concerned about her not having a good time and that she’ll be bored out of her gourd if she goes and you will not neglect your friends for her you’ve been looking forward to meeting us for so long. If she still comes, don’t let her blackmail you (or don’t blackmail yourself) into having less of a good time than you intended to. Sometimes we need to learn in a relationship that we aren’t joined at the hip, and that our SO is not responsible for our social life.
It seems a bit like a high school reunion. The spouses won’t quite know what to do.
In fact, this board, due to its size, is a bit like high school, too. I hang out at some other boards that resemble my work day a lot more. That is, I only deal with about 20 people and I know them all somewhat. Some I don’t work with at all, but at least I know them.
Oh, my God, what flashbacks this is giving me. No, you’re not an asshole. In fact you’re a saint for actually marrying her. I gave my ex the boot for precisely this reason - got tired of having to choose between staying in or having a shitty night out.
You could tell her someone made reservations somewhere and they can’t add any more people. Though frankly I’m inclined to suggest you explain to her why you don’t want her there. She isn’t going to change this behavior until you make it clear to her the problems it causes.
Yes, Mrs. Chef surprised me and figured it all out without me having to hurt her feelings. She decided to stay home.
Although as it turned out, so many of the ill-mannered louts who RSVP’d and said they’d come did not in fact show up, it would have been good to have her there just to have someone else to talk to.