So after years of procrastination, I figured I’d give this Online Dating thing a try.
Since I’m a cheap bastard, I went with OKcupid. I’ve had a few ladies “like” me and I even “liked” a few back but they never left any messages.
So are they expecting me to break the ice since I’m the man? (Traditional gender rules and all that.) I mean, I’m not going to, I’m just curious if that’s what they’re expecting.
Yes.
Yes, though a few will be forward enough to break it first.
Most women on OKCupid (or any other dating site) are getting plenty of messages from men already. Many of these messages are from complete morons and/or disgusting perverts, so just going through and dealing with deleting and blocking can take up a fair amount of time.
If you are waiting for a woman on a dating site to say “Gosh, my inbox has been awfully empty lately. I’d better initiate something if I want to get some messages from men!” then you may be waiting a very long time.
ETA: Here’s a Jezebel piece titled “Man Poses as Woman on Online Dating Site; Barely Lasts Two Hours” about a guy who set up a female profile on OKCupid to see what it was like.
You aren’t sounding awfully into the dating thing. Do you want to date or not? If so, you’d better be proactive about it, no matter which gender you are.
Holy shit! I’ve commiserated with women I’ve dated and been told similar but criminy!
(my bold)
Your online dating experience will be empty and disappointing then. In fact, if this is going to be your M.O., I’d recommend deleting your account.
This. If you are happy with the situation as it is, keep doing what you are doing. If you want some other outcome, you will have to do something different. It’s not really about gender roles, it’s more about online dating being a giant numbers game, and the numbers aren’t going to be in your favor if your whole plan is to sit around and do nothing.
Well, I do initiate things. When I see a woman I like, I’ll send her a message. But if someone “likes” me first, I don’t understand why they wouldn’t send a message.
I read Lamias link, and wow, that’s all kinds of fucked up. But what I’m still not getting is, why does me breaking the ice make it any easier for them in that regard?
But…they broke the ice. They made the first move. Now you have to decide if you want to esculate it (write a message) or not. They put it out there that they think it could be a match, you get to say if you concur.
It’s not that different than a message, just a bit more low-effort. I generally did it for guys I wanted to get back to, or that I was on the fence about.
They are women and don’t have to. Do you realize how lucky you are to have a woman you find acceptable to be “liking” you in the first place? That IS their move. Take the hint and drop them a line.
Plenty of women never experience rejection - EVER. They get hit on enough that they can just wait to find a guy that interests them. In fact if they are reasonably attractive they can have more opportunities for dates with guys than they could possibly schedule. Why risk rejection when you don’t have to?
Things aren’t even in the online dating world. How many women’s profiles have your seen where you thought “I absolutely have to meet this woman - my life will be incomplete unless I give it my all.”?
I’m guessing the answer is zero - same with women - why waste the energy when you don’t have to and have the pick of the litter?
If she “likes” you - and isn’t playing games - she most likely would go on a date with you. You don’t have to have a 500 word essay planned - just a couple of sentences that show you aren’t a weirdo and actually read her profile.
Women almost never send the first message; they are too prideful.
Here’s how to play it:
Send a friendly message.
If she ignores it, send a second friendly message a few days later.
If she ignores that, you’re done.
**By friendly message, I don’t mean some pussy boring shit like “Hey you’re pretty and I’d like to hang out sometime.” You gotta stand out and make a connection.
On a tangential note: one thing I can’t figure out is OKCupid’s “filtering” system. Or rather one specific option for their filtering system. Namely, the “attractiveness filter”. You can set your profile to only accept messages from people who are at least of “average” attractiveness. How is this determined? Is there an attractiveness algorithm that OKC uses on all it’s members? Does anyone have a better understanding of this? How would a person have any idea that some random stranger on a dating site that they had never seen before was or wasn’t attractive? Does the website itself determine this man’s attractiveness? 
Move on.
FTR: Since starting this thread, I went ahead and sent a message to those who liked me and I liked back (Heh, I feel like such a grade school-er typing that.).
It was only two ladies. One of whom I’d really enjoy getting a response from. So here’s to keeping my fingers crossed.
Make sure to check Adams Apple before things get serious.
Sometimes women can be afraid that sending the first message is too forward, and they’ll be considered slutty, desperate or aggressive. There’s a subset of men who do react that way.
It doesn’t. I wasn’t giving you advice on how to help women in that regard. I was explaining why most women are unlikely to ever send a first message to you.
I do that, again and again and again, and nothing happens…
Damn, I would love that!
I noticed this thread because, recently, I upgraded my membership so I can see everyone who’s actually indicated that they “like” me. I can’t figure out why they do this when we’ve got obvious deal-breakers. It’s been disappointing so far.
See, it seems to me that the lesson to be learned would be the reverse. If women are getting inundated with obnoxious messages from pushy guys, the solution isn’t to sit back and wait for more messages. They should be more proactive, contact guys whose profiles are suitable and block (or ignore) the ones who contact them first.