Personals site users--send or reply?

Thanks to tdn’s thread in which he linked his OKCupid profile, I have started using OKCupid again. I had really quit bothering because there seemed to be no one near me at all. I have started taking a test or answering a question here and there for fun again. There’s also a journal feature where users can post. I was reading posts there and a man was complaining that women never send messages on personals sites. So that got me to thinking.

I’m a woman, and I used to send a lot of messages on OKCupid, but I gradually stopped. The main reason was that I never got any replies. Ever. I tried to be witty and relevant to the receiver’s profile. I never sent a message to someone whose profile would exclude me as someone in whom he would be interested. And still nothing.

I reply readily to messages other people send me, though. I try to be prompt and if it turns out I’m not interested, I let them know politely.

Do you prefer to initiate contact on these sites or to reply to others?

I used to do both, with no clear preference. I met my current boyfriend by writing to him first, and I was also the one who initiated the contact with my most recent ex. I didn’t do either very often, though: I’d only come across someone who I thought was worth writing to every now and then, and I didn’t get many messages. I think my replies were about half and half, though, with some guys sending one and others just ignoring me.

Maybe I’ve become jaded over the years, but I think that when men on dating sites complain that women never send messages they really mean that no hot women ever send messages. Which, of course, is true, because hot women get inundated with messages on dating sites and don’t ever have to make the first move.

Just my $0.02. :slight_smile:

As a guy you generally have to send. Getting a message from a girl makes her a lot more interesting. When I was on OKC I would go through all the profiles closeby and write a few of the most appealing girls. But if I feel ambivalent about a girl and then she writes me, I am definitely willing to give her a shot. You can’t tell much from a profile, so don’t feel bad if you’re not a guy’s first choice.

IMO you shouldn’t put too much effort into your messages. A basic “You seem pretty cool. I like that you’re into X.” type thing is generally adequate to get things going if there is any mutual interest.

If you aren’t getting many replies, make sure the guys have actually signed on recently and that you’re not too far away. Also make sure you have a good picture of yourself and that there’s nothing scary in your profile. I once had “Has kids” in my details by accident.

I’ve been making a lot of changes lately, as it turns out I had some irrelevant and incorrect information in my profile. Actually lately I’ve had an upsurge in messages the likes of which I had never before seen.

Don’t people usually make profiles and completely forget about them hours later?

How you doin’?

It’s Friday night and I’m in my pajamas. Infer what you like from that.

Took a quick look at your profile and there is nothing there that would keep me from responding if you sent me a note. What I look for first is that there is a photo, beyond that, you need to answer most of the questions. Questions with no answer I tend to assume the worst answer. The exception to that is income. None of my business.

All that being said, I prefer to respond. I assume that most women get flooded with email and I’m not good enough at breaking the ice that an email from me would stand out. I have sent out a few and gotten no response at all so I’m content to see who finds my profile interesting.


I also look for answers to the questions and a photo. I will admit that if someone is, er, overly sharing in their profile, that will likely turn me off. If I could write you up a quick erotic story based on nothing but your personals site profile, that seems a bit much. I’m weirdly prudish that way, though.

are those steel belted pajamas…?

just kidding.

I met Mrs f on an “phone dating” system yrs ago… At the time, I was newly divorced, and was seeking quickie one night stands (and my profle clearly indicated this). Miss F(Nee L) contacted me, none the less, and we met at the local library (Periodicals section). Great meeting spot, btw, you can tell a lot about a person by which magazines they look at)…

We got together and I was, well, “smitten”… She had charm, wit and verve. I told her “There are a lot of hot looking women here, but I think you’re beautiful!” (meant sincerely, not a pick up line). We have spent little time apart since, and our 10th wedding anniversary is Aug 1st.

She sent the first message, despite my obvious “Horny Henry” ad… and I thank fate every day that she did…