This girl who was my best friend back when I was 19 called me up yesterday afternoon. I hadn’t seen her since 9 years ago when she moved to Florida. I had a crush on her and we sorta fooled around a couple of times, made out once. She was my first REAL kiss and would have been my first sexual experience had I not turned her down because I thought she was too drunk (I had higher moral standards back then). Anyway, she came back to the town we lived in to visit her father for a week and a half and, after a half-dozen calls, managed to look me up. She seems really eager to see me again. So far, so good…
Thing is, it seems like she was wanting more than to just hang out, at least initially. She said she was disappointed to find out I was married now, then she joked about an agreement we made that if we were both still single when we were 30 we would hook up and that she’s kinda disappointed that I’m not available now. She also initially said that she was divorced, but later in the call said that she was just considering getting a divorce. She also asked if I cheat on my wife!
I really would like to see her again, but I’m not entirely sure if it’s a good idea. I’m not worried about any temptation myself if she isn’t joking with all the flirting and insinuations - just thinking about doing something that would hurt my wife like that gives me the ‘Bad Thoughts Skin-Crawl’. I’m more concerned for this old friend - I knew her very well and she takes any kind of rejection very personally, and I don’t want to be put in a situation where I would have to reject her. I’m 90% sure that even if she is entertaining thoughts about me like that she would joke around about it first and give me a chance to let her know that it should remain joking, but I’m never totally sure of anything. I guess there is also the possibility (though slim) that I might not react as honorably as I think I would since I have never really been tested yet. She was a very attractive girl 9 years ago, and Asian women tend to age well so I doubt much has changed.
I’ll probably risk it. Blowing her off would be difficult, especially since she said she was going to keep calling me. I’ve already told my wife about this and she hasn’t really discouraged me from meeting this girl, but she did give me a ‘look’.
Could you play matchmaker, maybe, find another guy (a friend of yours? Your wife’s?) and then arrange a foursome outing? At least it make take some of the emotional heat off you. Just a suggestion, Badtz.
Stay away, this woman has major issues that do not involve you in any way. I mean, you just don’t say that to someone you haven’t seen in almost a decade if you don’t have some kind of desperate situation going on.
A view from the other side: Some years back, a woman from my husband’s past tracked him down and called him - I just happened to be the one home who answered the phone. I knew about his relationship with her - he’d told me all his past indiscretions - and I had no problem passing her message along to him.
She called a couple more times and wrote to him - he was pretty sure she wanted to pick up where they’d left off - her marriage was failing. I’m not sure if he just ignored her or asked her not to call, but after a few weeks, she faded away.
Apart from some morbid curiosity, I didn’t give her much thought. He had admitted to me that she was a mistake in his life and I had no reason to fear he’d cheat on me. Still, based on what he relayed to me from their conversations, it was apparent that she was on the prowl, and I’m not sure how I’d react to them meeting with or without me. Fortunately, it was never an issue.
FWIW, I don’t think you should meet with her alone - no sense giving her false hopes. How cold would it be to say “Nice to have heard from you. Have a nice life.” then get on with your life?
If you play with fire you gonna get burned. Why would you even think about meeting her after 9 years? It’s not like she’s even still a friend after all those years of no contact. Sounds more like you want a little action on the side but just can’t admit it to yourself.
Lets assume she isn’t a bunny boiler (very rare in women, thankfully) and doesn’t yet have kids.
She’s near 30 and finds herself single again. Standard procedure (huge generalisation) is that she’ll now trawl the net (err…not the Internet) and see what comes up: Co-workers, old flames, friends of friends, etc. and take it from there.
My guess is you’re being checked out for availability as potential short-list material. It’s kind of cynical but the clock is ticking fast for her.
Quite how clear you need to make your unavailability depends on her persistence.
Also, sometimes guys get a little confused (with the attention) into thinking it’s just them when really there’s a whole selection process evolving. Just a view !
Inviting her to dinner at home with the family really gets the message across and reassures her indoors – no ambiguity, no scope for misunderstandings, the wife is happy and the friend sees you have a fulfilling life. After that, you should be out of the woods – but keep a close eye on the rabbit hutch for a few days, just to be sure.
If she has kids or can’t, ignore the above.
An alternative (unlikely) scenario is she’s doing the backward flip. Sometimes people (men and women) go back when they have a crisis in their lives – Depression is a classic example – looking to restore some previous position when things were good. It’s easier than moving forward cos self-esteem is an issue with meeting new people and you don’t have that by going back to the old days.
I agree with London_Calling. It sounds like your friend has suddenly awakened and thought “Just who the heck am I?”
By contacting you, she is trying to get back in touch with who she used to be… kind of an important step when trying to figure out where to go from here. I wish her luck, and I am sure you will handle this in a compassionate manner.
Best advice already posted: Don’t do anything with her alone. Not even a cup of coffee.
The idea of going out with another guy along for the ride sounds pretty good. It doesn’t even have to be romantic (Although she might not mind the idea), as long as it sends the message that you do NOT want to cheat on your wife (I’m assuming that you don’t, or you would have titiled this thread something like “How can I keep this on the down low?”)
However, this quote makes me pause a little:
How she looks shouldn’t be that important. Other concerns should be her looking you up after all this time, and just how important not cheating on your wife is to you.
Trust me buddy, you do NOT want to meet with the Old Flame unless your wife is coming along too. The fact that you even admit to the merest possibility that you might stray shows that you thought about it, and from such acorns grow mighty oaks. (make what you will of the double entendre.) Going alone into a situation that you know might offer temptation just isn’t a good idea. Fidelity is like a nuclear arsenal - you don’t want to deliberately test it just to see if it works.
Going, but bringing your wife, accomplishes several things.
[ul][li]It sends a clear message that you aren’t looking for a booty call without you having to actually say anything and humiliate the O.F. (or embarrass yourself if you’ve misread things, although I think the chance of that is vanishingly small considering she asked you if you cheat on Mrs. Maru - that’s a HUGE red flag. Nobody is ever COMPLETELY kidding, you know).[/li][li]It will remove any need Mrs. Maru (may I call her Kobiashi?) might have to wonder what’s going on and perhaps develop the jealousy thing. Remember, just because she didn’t openly discourage you doesn’t mean she’s okay with it. She may be worrying that if she says she doesn’t want you to do it, she’ll come off as insecure, distrustful, etc. Based on the way I read her reaction as described by you, I’m betting that your response is supposed to be to decide on your own not to go.[/li][li]Hi Opal.[/ul][/li]
Let us know what you decide… you must realize that we will punish you if you don’t tell us how it all comes out. grin
Well, I’ve talked it over with my wife, and I’m going to go meet her sometime, after all she was my best friend for years, I haven’t seen her in ages, and I have no intention of cheating on my wife. She’s a smart girl and if she does have any intentions other than catching up and reminiscing about old times she will be able to see that I don’t. I realize the impression some of the things she said might make, but for someone who knows her they aren’t quite as strange or unlikely as one might think. She’s got an off sense of humor like mine and is very open. I imagine I’d probably ask her if she cheats on her husband if I was single (or alienated from my SO) and joke around about stuff like that.
Was going to go visit this morning after I got off work but she had just gone to bed after staying up all night with her Dad, she asked me to call back sometime after 1, then she called me later that morning but I was asleep and told her so, haven’t heard back yet. Maybe I should have called…
Well Badtz, you know this girl better than any of us will be able to get from one or two little posts. But just remember that if she is after more than just catching up, women are extremely good at tempting us guys. (Just ask Adam what Eve did to him) I had this one female “friend” that was really good at “pursading” me into things.
Although, if she geniunly is just wanting to catch up, why not? I do like the idea from ICE WOLF, she is going through a break up in her marriage. Try to get her back on the dating path.
And remember the hourly hotel down the road would not be a good place to meet. (-:
I think calling her after a test rigged to fail is a bad omen. Badtz, I would recommend not meeting with this woman. When we were first going out, my not-yet-fiancee sometimes still had lunch with her ex, and it really got on my nerves, especially considering the way he dumped her. Your situation is not the same, but you should still consider the way your wife feels about it.
It doesn’t bug me that my wife still hangs out with and is friends with a couple of her exes, I’ve made friends with one of them and he’s a pretty cool guy. She didn’t mind when the girl I was seeing before her came around, they were actually pretty friendly for a while (my wedding band was bought with money borrowed from her). I think we’re both mature enough to avoid getting jealous over nothing.
Geesh, this kind of thread kills me. First you post about all the things that could happen, giving us the impression that this woman is after you, then you post again giving the real story. What was the purpose of the post if you already had your mind made up on what you were going to do to begin with? It’s not like you really wanted any advice or opinions as you knew what you were gonna do all along. Giving details after the original post puts a whole new light on it and is what you should have done in the original post.