Do you think one of the three is being taken advatage of? Or do you think what they are doing is depraved?
I think your best option would be to ask your friends to tone down the public displays of affection. Lot’s of people don’t like watching anyone make out or play grab ass, regardless of how traditional or non traditional the relationship is. That being said, I am a little disappointed with how people are reacting to this. Girl Next Door and other posters, what would you think of me if I threw a party, said people could bring dates/spouses, but said that gay people can’t bring dates, because same-sex kissing/hand holding and what not, is squicky and wigs me out? Honestly I’m fairly shocked that someone is comfortable with a person who removes their genitals in order to look more like a sex they are not, but thinks the idea of someone wanting to have sex with more than one person is too weird for them. I think you should attempt to examine why their behavior bothers you so much.
I definitely agree that I need to examine why this bothers me so much. I’m fully willing to cop to the fact that this is my problem, not theirs. Like I said, I’m surprised this has come up for me. What is morality? Where are our lines? Do you have a good idea where yours are? I’m surprised that you’re shocked about the sex change, but we all have our own boundaries, yes?
That’s cool, actually. I asking questions is the best way to go. Kind of like a real-life “Ask the polyamorous threesome” thread.
And just to make sure I don’t gloss over this point: it’s normal to feel weird about it and you and all their acquaintances are owed a “I need to get my head around this” period. But if this is really a part of their lives, you’ve got a window of X months before somebody has to decide that someone isn’t going to be their friend any more.
I have a close friend who is a swinger with his wife (though they started before they tied the knot). When he told me, I was shaken a bit but asked questions and he was very candid with me. Several years in, they are the picture of a happy and contented couple.
I assumed that you meant at least kissing by “openly affectionate.” Still, it sounds to me like what I said holds true. These folks are getting off by flaunting their sex life in front of those who disapprove. If you want to get it to stop, I bet acting like it doesn’t bother you would work. These folks want attention.
I think this would matter to me. If it’s a flavor of the month thing, I don’t think it would be compatible with my friendship. If it’s a lasting relationship, I also would need to feel comfortable that they had given this the genuine amount of true introspection that would justify making it a part of their childrens’ lives.
If I hadn’t read the OP, I’d have thought you were talking about same-sex couples wanting to bring their long-term committed partner along to a social function.
Would you feel more comfortable if they announced they were now separated or divorced and brought their new partners to social functions? Have you gotten to know these ‘playthings’ at all? They could be nice, fun people.
Girl Next Door, you sound pretty open-minded and have every right to feel weirded out. They may be showing off, or they may just be happy to be out in the open and thrilled that their friends seem to be accepting.
I have some good friends (actually, much like you, three kids and have been together for a while, but don’t recall how long, I think their oldest is in their late teens though, so … ) who are also polyamorists, it’s actually OK with me if they are (whatever floats their boat), but they’re private about it, I don’t think even their children know about it (and, as I said, the children are plenty old enough to have found out if this couple acted like C&W). From what I gather, polys usually don’t talk about their passion with others (don’t ask me how I got in this, I don’t know, but I consider them good friends, and I’d like to think the same is true of them.)
Wow. I don’t know what to say. I wouldn’t be uncomfortable having them all around during adult parties, but not when the children are involved. That’s one thing I am totally not ready to explain. You said your kids adore them: is that part of the problem?
Umm, no that’s not what sex reassignment surgery is. It’s reconstructing one’s genitals in order to be more congruous with the gender one is.
Anyway, I’m not sure what the problem is with socializing with all members of a triad. Just because two of the members met sooner they should have their part of the relationship acknowledged but not the other? Two of the partners should tell the third, “sorry but this is an event for couples only so you’re not invited”?
So, all of your friends are couples and one of these people, whom you’ve known for a long time, had a sex-change operation and is in a relationship and you’re ok with that, but polyamorous is where you’re getting tripped up on?
And are they making out or light cuddling and nothing more?
:dubious:
I pretty much agree with everything Ellen Cherry said. If they want to troll with this garbage, let them do it somewhere else. You are under no obligation to accept their trick of the week and pretend it doesn’t bother you. This goes double if they want to parade this shit in front of your kids (if they’re doing it in front of their own kids, they’re even more contemptible).
I think it’s ludicrous to try to compare swinging to sexual orientation or gender identity, by the way. There is no biological component to it. It’s not an identity, or an orientation or anything they have to do. It’s immaturity and lack of commitment. It would be hard for me to respect people who were incapable of putting their kids ahead of their sexual psychodramas. If they can’t stand being faithful to each other, then they shouldn’t be married.
Perhaps if they actually last a few years as a coherent, stable unit, I might reconsider.
Wow … this discussion is making me pretty uncomfortable. As far as the original post … well in my umble hopinion, if you really don’t want to socialize with these people because of their partners, then you should decline to go to functions they’ll be at.
As far as some of the other posts … I doubt other board members would share my constellation of values, but variety is the spice of life. … Why is it “flaunting” when polyamorous people bring their partners to social events? Should married heterosexual couples introduce their partners as friends so as not to inflict their sexuality on others? How would they explain the children who live in their homes? Of course people who are polyamorous know that others may be uncomfortable with their choices. But that’s who they are so if you can bring your SO to a party why can’t they bring theirs? If you don’t want your children exposed to people whose lifestyle is different from yours, well first of all good luck, but second of all, don’t bring your children to events with this circle of friends.
Having multiple sex partners is not a “sexuality.” It’s just having multiple sex partners. It’s not “who they are,” it’s just something they do.
I hear ya, dragoncat. Really I do. And I’m working my way toward accepting that this is their choice and not mine and that it doesn’t affect me, really. Also, my kids are older teens who’ve been internet-savvy since early grade school so it’s quite likely this concept isn’t new to them. If it’s any help in your understanding me, we’ve been friends with this couple for over a decade, and this aspect of their lives has just now come out in the open. So we’re just trying to come to grips with “the new ‘normal’”.
I think that you should handle this the same way you’d handle any other situation where someone is doing something that makes you uncomfortable.
First, since these are friends of yours, approach them and just tell them honestly what they’re doing upsets you and why. Who knows, maybe they just have no idea it’s freaking people out and they’ll tone it down - Mr. and Mrs. Jones will continue to show up with their “friends” Bob and Barb, but Mr. Jones won’t go playing grabass with Barb at the BBQ.
Depending on how that works out you may also need to have a conversation with the mutual friends (the ones hosting the parties) and let them know that while you really want to come over, you’re very uncomfortable being there when the polyamours are present doing their thing.
It is then up to the hosts to decide what to do - they can talk to the couple and say “cool it when you’re over” or “don’t bring your lovers” or “don’t attend”…recognize the possibility that they may tell you “It doesn’t bother us so if you’d rather not be around it, skip the party” or perhaps they’ll invite either you or the polyfolks but not both to any given event.
Good luck!
Don’t let anyone bully you into thinking you have some moral obligation to “accept” it, or that you’re a bigot if you don’t. Accept it if you sincerely feel it, otherwise don’t. You;re entitled to feel exactly as you want to feel about it. The comparisons to sexual orientation and gender identity are bullshit.
Thanks, Dio. I don’t feel bullied. I’m still trying to figure out where I sit.