How many Ethnics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. For they are stupid Ethnics and they do not understand the concept of electricity. Also they smell bad.
“Queen Anne, the peasants are revolting.”
“Of course! Most of them don’t bathe.”
Blonde? Do people really get upset by blonde jokes?
I guess I shouldn’t have to ask. I knew a woman (blonde, of course) once who hated blonde jokes with a passion. In fact, she hated to see blondes do anything dumb because it perpetuated the stereotype.
She told me one time she was driving somewhere and she saw a blonde woman out in the middle of a field sitting on the ground in a rowboat, pulling at the oars. “I don’t know what the hell she was doing,” she said, “but it drove me mad! I wanted to stop the car and yank those oars right of her hands! I would have too, if I knew how to swim!”
Offensive* joke, but funny.
Redneck driving around in his truck. Whenever he sees a homeless person, he runs him down. One day, the redneck stops to pick up his pastor. As he’s driving around with the pastor in his truck, he sees a homeless guy. He speeds up to run the guy down, but then remembers the pastor in his passenger seat, closes his eyes and swerves at the last minute. He yells to the pastor, “Did I hit him?” The pastor replies, “No, but I got him with the door!”
*Modified the context from the way I learned it.
Mine is twelve inches long, but I don’t use it as a rule.
It’s funny because it’s true.
What do you call the two quadriplegics above your window? Kurt & Rod
What did the leper say to the hooker?
“Block that kick! Block that kick!”
“Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.”
Old Laugh In skit- stupid but makes me laugh:
Teacher (Lily Tomlin): Class, today I want you to write a short story. It must include all of the following: religion, royalty, romance, and mystery.
[five seconds later]
Student (Flip Wilson): I’m through!
Teacher: There is no way you could have written a short story that includes religion, royalty, romance and mystery in that time.
Student; Yes I did.
Teacher: Well read it to us.
Student: “Good God”, said the queen, “I’m pregnant. Whodunnit?”
The older gas company man was showing the new guy the ropes. He parks the truck at the bottom of a hill and starts up the block reading the meters at each house. The younger guy has it all figured out and starts running ahead a house to read the meter then running back to the older guy who writes it down in the log. “It wouldn’t be so bad,” thought the older guy, “if he’d stop saying old man every time he talks to me.”
Well, it turns out the old guy also runs in marathons and was just taking it easy.
At the last house at the top of the hill, the older guy suggests they race down to the truck and the loser buys the beer. The young guy likes this bet and says, “Okay, I’ll even let you say go!”
The old guy says, “Go” and they’re running down the hill to the truck. The younger guy stumbles but is able to catch himself. The older guy is sure footed and is pounding down the hill. It’s a close race and at the end the old man touches the truck first. As soon as the old guy touches the truck, and stops, both men are slammed from behind by a woman wearing a house coat! All three go tumbling to the ground.
The old man yells, “What the hell are you doing?” at the lady.
The lady is out of breath and pants, “well,” pant, “gas man reading,” pant, “meter run away,” pant, “I’d better run,” pant, “away too!”
I heard it a little differently…
The blond executive is driving from the hotel to the airport and she sees another blond in the middle of a corn field rowing a row boat. The blond is pissed off and stops the car, jumps out, and yells, “You know! It’s blonds like you that are giving the rest of us blonds a bad name! And if I could swim, I’d swim out there and KICK YOUR ASS!”
BBJ (bonus blond joke)
The blond office worker shows up to work looking a little dishelved and crying. Her boss asks her what’s the matter, she says her mother passed away over the weekend. The boss tells her she can go home. The blond says that she wants to work, she’s going crazy at home and the work will distract her. The boss says okay.
So the blond goes to work and she’s working away, the crying stops, she’s smiling, getting things done. Then the phone at her desk rings. She answers the phone and gets a horrified look on her face, then starts bawling all over again and hangs up the phone.
The boss runs over to see what happened, who was on the phone?
The blond tells him, between sniffles, “That was my sister,” sniff, “her mom died too.”
There are several jokes about Junior Leaguers (a charitable sorority group for those not familiar whose stereotype is social climbing well-to-do snobby white women).
Q: Why don’t Jr. L’s have group sex?
A: All the damned thank you notes.
Q: Why did the Jr. L’er hire a homeless guy to pose for her painting but say no when he offered to fix her driveway?
A: Because she likes homeless people in the abstract, not the concrete.
Q: What do you call a black Jr. L’er?
A: Call her anything she wants to be called but for God’s sake call her when that guy from the paper starts taking pictures.
Q: What do Jr. L’s think about during sex?
A: Beige. Yeah. I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.
Southern Baptist jokes:
Why don’t Southern Baptists have sex standing up?
-They’re afraid somebody might see them and think they’re dancing.
Alternate: Why are Southern Baptists against drugs and premarital sex?/They’re afraid it might lead to dancing.
Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as head of the church.
Southern Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six.
Why six?
Hey!! It just does, OK!!? You got a problem with that?
In court, a judge is reading Mickey Mouse’s request for divorce from Minnie Mouse.
“Mr. Mouse, if am reading this correctly, you wish to divorce Mrs. Mouse because she is crazy?”
“No, not crazy! She’s fucking Goofy!”
#2 A young woman goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I have a strage problem that has bothered me all my life. I don’t have a belly button. Instead I have a golden screw where my belly button should be. Why is that?” The doctor said “I don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like this before. I’ll get a screwdriver and take the screw out and see what there.” So he unscrewed the screw and her ass fell off.
#3 To commemorate the 150th aniversary of the Battle of the Little Big Horn the Bureau of Indian Affairs hired a famous artist to paint a picture honoring the battle. Noone saw the painting until the unveiling at the ceremony and when they took the curtain away from the painting they were surprised to see a canvas that had hundreds of indians engaged in sexual intercourse in a border around the edges of the painting. In the middle was a pile of manure. Sticking out of the manure was a cavalry sword. “Good Grief” said the official who had hired the artist. “What is this supposed to be?” The artist said “It is supposed to illustrate General Custer’s last words: Cut the shit! Did you ever see so many fucking indians!”
Good one. Did Paula Poundstone do this one on the PHC Joke Show?
Country woman goes to the hardware store and asks for a hinge.
The clerk says “You wanna screw for it?”
She says “Nah, I’ll just pay cash. Might consider it for one of them wheelbarries though…”.
“But do they call me ‘MacGregor the Barnbuilder’? No!”