A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”
“No, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied.
“What happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn’t help myself and we had sex right there on the floor.”
The pastor said, “Then I’m sorry. You’re not welcome in our church.”
“That’s OK,” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at the Home Depot anymore either.”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert, and suddenly, Tonto gets off his horse, kneels down, and puts his ear to the ground.
“Hmm, kemo sabe, me hear war party of Indians to the south.”
He listens some more - “And another to the north.”
“And another to the east.”
and finally, “and more to the west.”
To which the Lone Ranger replies, “What should we do, my trusty friend?”
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blond are each pregnant, and they are sitting in the doctor’s office. They begin discussing a magazine article.
Brunette: See this article about how your sexual position during conception determines the sex of your child? It says here that since I was on bottom when I got pregnant, I’m going to have a girl.
Redhead: Oh look, since I was on top, I’m going to have a boy.
Three pregnant women are sitting in the doctor’s office, and all are knitting as they wait to be called in. The first woman pauses from her knitting, takes a pill out of her purse and pops it in her mouth. “I almost forgot to take my iron pill!” The second woman asks, “Why are you taking iron?” The first woman replies, “I want my baby to be strong.”
The second woman then sets her knitting aside, takes a pill out of her purse and downs it. “You reminded me that I need to take my zinc!” The first woman says, “Why are you taking zinc?” The second woman says, “I want my baby to be smart.”
The third woman throws down her knitting with a sigh, rummages in her purse and swallows a pill. “What are you taking,” the first woman asks. “Thalidomide,” she replies. “Thalidomide?!?? Why in the world are you taking that?!?” The third woman replies, “I just can’t get the sleeves right on this damned baby sweater!”
Tonto and the Lone Ranger go camping. In the middle of the night, the Lone Ranger shakes Tonto awake. “Look up and tell me what you see, and what it means.” Tonto replies,“Well I see millions of stars, philosophically, it means we are small and insignificant, astrologically, we are in Leo, and meteorolgically, tomorrow will be sunny. What does it tell you Kemo Sabe?” “It tells me someone stole our tent!”
Did you hear about the guy who died of a heroin overdose at a convention of people who like to dress up like an animals? He injected himself through the hood of his costume.
He was forever after known as the
wait for it
wait for it Furry with the syringe on the top
*The original involved furriers.
There are two cows standing in a field. One says, “Are you worried about this mad cow disease going around?” The other says, “No, it doesn’t affect us giraffes.”
