A kangaroo hops into a bar and orders a scotch. The bartender is surprised, but serves the drink and says “that’ll be $10.”
The kangaroo pays up, then drinks silently. Finally, the bartender can’t stand it anymore and says in the most conversational tone he can, “Say, we don’t see many kangaroos in here.”
The kangaroo looks up from his drink and says, “At these prices, you won’t be seeing many more, either.”
Synchronicity! Moments ago, I mentioned this thread to my wife, and she cited this joke! It’s one my 4-year-old niece just learned!
Joe
I don’t get it.
When he’s on his way into the bathroom, wouldn’t he be Russian?
When he comes out, wouldn’t he be Finnish?
(And when he gets back in bed with his wife; Himalayan?)
The mechanic said “Well, it looks like you blew a seal”
And the penguin replied, “No, no, I just had a vanilla ice-cream cone!”
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
Nothing. He just let out a little wine.
A turtle is walking along with a snail on top of its shell.
The snail says to the turtle, ‘whoa!’
What’s twelve inches long and white?
Not a fuckin’ thing!
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender: “Hey, we have a drink names after you.”
Grasshopper: "You have a drink named “Bob”?
Slick city guy is lost in the boondocks and sees a local farmer. So he goes up there and asks haughtily for directions.
(song lyrics from a Michelle Shocked song, Arkansas traveller)
Hey farmer! You been livin’ here all your life?
Not yet.
Hey farmer! Where does this road go?
*Been livin’ here all my life, it ain’t gone nowhere yet.
*
Hey farmer! When you gonna fix that leakin’ roof?
Ah stranger, when it’s a rainin’ it’s too wet to fix it and when it’s dry it’s just as good as any mans house.
Hey farmer! You’re not too far from a fool are you?
Just a barbed-wire fence between us.
Hey farmer! You don’t know very much do you?
No, but I ain’t lost.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
[nitpick]Arkansas Traveller is a traditional tune, and the comedy routine is from Pete Seeger. (I think adding it to the tune for “color” was Seeger’s innovation, but I don’t know for sure.)[/nitpick]
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
“Soccer? I just met 'er!”
Last night I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.
“knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting cow”
“interrupting c…”
“MOOOOOOOOO!”
Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot Cross Buns
Also a moldy-oldie one from my mom, stupid but it makes me grin 'cuz it’s the first “dirty” joke I ever heard her tell:
Hey, didja hear there was a streaker in church last Sunday? Yeah, they caught him by the organ.
Three blondes walk into a bar…
You’d think one of them would’ve seen it.
Why do ducks have flat feet? For stamping out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? For stamping out flaming ducks.
What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper