A doctor got a call from a Polish woman, who screamed “Doc, get over here, I’m in a lot of pain!”
The doctor raced to the Polish woman’s house and saw that her ears were both badly burned. The doctor treated the burns, then asked her how it had happened.
The woman said sheepishly, ”Well, I was ironing the clothes, when a friend of mine called me up. I was so dumb! Instead of reaching for the phone, I held the hot iron up to my left ear and burned it.”
“Oh,” said the doctor. “Then, how did you burn the RIGHT ear?’
“Well,” the woman replied, “I had to call YOU, didn’t I?”
Bartender, “Holy shit a talking duck! What’re you doing here!”
Duck, “I’m working at the construction site across the street.”
Bartender, “You should go to Hollywood!”
Duck, “Why? Do they need a bricklayer?”
We used to tell this back in like 7th grade in the early 1980’s, so forgive the political incorrectness, but for some reason, I still laugh whenever I think about this one (and its pretty stupid)
How do you know when your best friend’s a fag?
When his dick tastes like shit!
A man decides to build a fireplace in his home. He does a bunch of calculations, and figures out exactly how many bricks he’s going to need. He goes to the hardware store and buys exactly that many bricks.
Over the next few days he builds the fireplace. When he’s done, he has one brick left over. He can’t figure out why. He goes over his calculations and everything is correct, so he can’t find out why he still has one brick.
After a while he shrugs his shoulders and tosses the brick out the window.
That cracks me up every time!
An old lady gets on a city bus. She’s carrying a little dog. She sits in a seat next to a window. A guy gets on the bus, and he’s smoking a cigar. He sits down next to the old lady. The smoke from his cigar is going past her face and out the window.
Lady: “Young man, would you please put out your cigar?”
Man: “No.”
Lady: “Young man, please put out your cigar.”
Man: “No.”
Lady: “Young man, if you don’t put out your cigar, I’m going to throw it out the window.”
Man: “If you throw my cigar out the window, I’m going to throw your dog out the window.”
So the old lady grabs his cigar and throws it out the window. He grabs her dog and throws it out the window.
A few stops later, she gets off the bus. Her dow comes running up to her. Guess what he had in his mouth?
Man goes to the doctor’s complaining of hearing loss. The doc says “Can you describe the symptoms?”. “Sure,” says the man, “one’s a lazy dumb fatass and the other’s got blue hair up to here, but what’s that got to do with anything?”
A man goes to the doctor. “Doc, you have to help me. I have a terrible case of silent flatuence. I’ve already passed gas silently three times just since you came in. Can you help me?”
The doctor nods, pulls out an otoscope and looks in the man’s ears.
“I think so, but first we have to check your hearing.”
