A man takes a ride in a hot air balloon. The wind blows him far off course and the ground below him begins to look unfamiliar. He sees a farmer in a field on his tractor. He begins yelling down at the farmer. “Helloooooo! Helloooooo!” until eventually the farmer looks up and notices him. The man in the balloon yells down, “I’m lost. Can you tell me where I am?” The farmer chuckles and says, “Heh, heh, you can’t fool me. Why, you’re up there in that little bitty basket.”
Q. What’s the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A. A rooster clucks defiance.
Q. What’s the difference between the Panama Canal and a blonde?
A farmer walks into a bar with a pig. The pig has a wooden leg. Farmer says to the barkeep, “Give me a beer, and one for the pig”.
Barkeep says, “we don’t serve livestock”.
Farmer says, “But this is no ordinary pig, last year a wolf was attacking the sheep, and this pig charged at the wolf and chased it away”.
“Is that how he got the wooden leg?” the barkeep asked.
“No,” said the farmer, “A couple of months ago there was a big fire in the barn overnight, and this pig squealed and squealed until I woke up and found he had already busted the lock on the barn door and let all the animals escape the fire”.
“And that’s how he got the wooden leg?” the barkeep inquired.
“No,” said the farmer, “Just last week my tractor turned over and I was pinned underneath in a flooding ditch. This pig pulled me out from under the tractor, and then called the ambulance and filed all the insurance paperwork for me.”
“And that’s how he lost the leg?” the barkeep asked.
“No,” said the farmer, “It’s just that when you have a pig this great, you don’t want to eat it all at once.”
Lone Ranger and Tonto are walking through the desert one day, when Lone Ranger stopped to take a piss. He ran over to the bushes to pee and a snake came and bit the head of his dick.
Tonto asked what he can do to help.
Ranger says, “Go back to town and get the doctor.”
Tonto talked to the doc and said, “Lone Ranger got bit by a snake, what should I do?”
Doc said, “Suck the poison out of the wound.”
Tonto ran back to Lone Ranger to help him.
Lone Ranger asked, “What did the doctor say?”
A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “we don’t serve pieces of string in here”. So the piece of string goes outside, wraps himself around and around himself, and ruffles up his ends. He goes back into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “Hey! I know you! You’re that piece of string I threw out” The piece of string looks at him and says “nope, I’m afraid not!”
(I don’t know if this is all that old. So sue me.)
Guy walks out onto his front porch, sees a snail on the doormat. He picks up the snail and tosses it into the yard.
One year later, same guy hears a knock at the door. Opens it, and there’s the same snail on the doormat, pissed off. Snail says “What was THAT all about?”
A man goes to dinner at a restaurant. He’s casually dressed in a shirt with an open collar. The maître d’ stops him at the door and stiffly informs him, “I am sorry, sir, but this restaurant has a dress code. We require all gentlemen to wear a tie in order to be seated.” The customer says, “Wait right here.” He goes to his car, opens the trunk, and returns wearing a set of jumper cables loosely tied around his neck. He says, “Here’s my tie. Am I properly dressed now?” The maître d’ replies, “Very well. You may enter. But you had better not try to start anything while you’re in here.”
Little Johnny was called on to say a poem in class but he hadn’t done his homework and written one. The teacher tells him to sit in the hall until he thinks of one. After a half hour she goes into the hall to check his progress to find he is finished. It goes like this:
as I sat in the hall
I saw a cockroach go up the wall
“Well, it will have to do” she says, “but leave the cock out”.
So he goes in all smiles and recites it to the class:
as I sat in the hall
I saw a roach go up the wall
with his cock out
A man takes a ride in a hot air balloon. The wind blows him far off course and the ground below him begins to look unfamiliar. He finally sees a man walking along a road. He begins yelling down at the man. “Helloooooo! Helloooooo!” until eventually the man looks up and notices him. The man in the balloon yells down, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 42 and 44 degrees north latitude and between 83 and 85 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the man, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
It’s been a long winter, and Beaver is starting to get cabin fever. One stormy, sleety, icy day he decides it’s time to get out of the house for awhile, so he sets off to visit his best friend Moose.
Beaver has a tough time getting through the forest. He’s not making any progress, in fact, he’s losing ground. The forest path is so icy and slippery that for every step forward he makes, he literally slides two steps back.
Eventually, a very cold and exhausted Beaver arrives at Moose’s place.
“I almost didn’t make it. The forest path was so icy and slippery that for every step forward I made, I literally slid two steps back,” says Beaver.
“Then how did you ever manage to make it all the way out here,” asks Moose, “if you slid two steps back for every step forward you took?”
