What’s a baby seal’s favorite booze?
Canadian Club.
Divorce Court Judge: Mr. Mouse, you can’t divorce your wife just because you learned she’s a little strange.
Mickey: I didn’t say I learned she was a little strange. I said I found out she was fucking Goofy!
@Quasimodem:
The doctor is looking at an X-ray, and then turns to the patient. “Hmmm, it looks like you might have Agrecian Urn.”
Patient: “Oh, my gosh … what’s Agrecian Urn?”
Doctor: “Oh, about 200 drachmas a day.”
Husband brings wife 2 aspirin and a glass of water.
Wife: “What’s this for? I don’t have a headache.”
Husband: “Great! Let’s fuck.”
Why wouldn’t Helen Keller go out with Stevie Wonder?
She didn’t like Blind Dates.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Why the long face”?
A Groucho-ism: “I’ve had a wonderful time. Tonight wasn’t it, but I have had one.”
and
“Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”
A variation on the cow joke already told:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Impatient Chicken.
Impatient chi…
BRRAAAWK!!!
By God you’re right. That’s how I remember Mom setting it up: Little Johnny runs in and tells his mother that a car ran over the dog’s ass; Mother chides him for being vulgar, saying “not ass-- it’s rectum.”
I came back to the thread to tell this one that still makes my wife giggle. It’s from the 30’s or 40’s and was a favorite of her Dad’s. More of a poem than a joke.
She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
And all through the night
it was honor and offer.
A priest, a dog, a drunk and an Aggie walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, some kind of a joke?”
Why couldn’t the pirate’s daughter see the movie?
Because it was rated “arrrgh!”
A pirate walks into a bar with an eye patch, a peg leg and a ship’s steering wheel down the front of his pants. He’s pretty scary so no one’s brave enough to ask him about it all. Finally the brave bartender walks over.
“Say, could I ask why you have that eye patch?”
“Sure. I was defending me ship in a duel and a durned scurvy pirate poked me eye out.”
The bartender is eased. He then asks, “Why do you have that peg leg?”
“I was defending me ship from another scurvy pirate and he chopped me leg off.”
Now the bartender is feeling pretty brave and asks, “May I ask about the steering wheel?”
The pirate looks him in the eye and says, “Arrgh, it’s driving me nuts!”
One boring summer day, two boys decided to break up the monotony by swearing. They would swear in front of their mother and see what happens. One decides he’s going to goddam, the other decides he’s going to say fuck.
The next day they go downstairs for breakfast.
Their mother asks “So what would you boys like for breakfast?”
The first kid says “I guess I’ll have some goddam Cheerios.”
The mother blows up “How dare you, young man? Go to your room. You are grounded for the rest of the day!” She then glowers at the boy. “Well? What do YOU want for breakfast?”
He replies “I don’t know, but I sure as fuck don’t want Cheerios!”
A snail and a turtle got into a knife fight at a bar and killed each other.
The police arrived and asked, “What happened?”
The bartender said, “I don’t know… it all happened so FAST!”
Why can’t Helen Keller have children?
Because she’s dead.
The thread has taken a turn in the joke flavor… These are for the early part of the thread…
Favorite from when I’m a kid: Q) What’s big red and eats rocks? A) A Big Red Rock Eater!
…
I didn’t get this one for years after I heard it: Q) When is a boy not a boy? A) When he walks down the street then turns into a store.
…
This is one of those IQ type riddles: Q) Why can’t you take a picture of a man with a wooden leg? A) It’s easier if you use a camera.
…
Okay, so now for a less tasteful joke more in alignment with the last couple of postings:
The airplane hits some turbulence, a bird, one engine dies… the next engine goes out… people are freaking out. The pilot comes on over the intercom and tells everyone to brace for a crash landing. An attractive female jumps out of her seat and Yells, “Someone make me feel like a woman before I die!”
A man gets up and yanks off his pants.
The girl is looking at him with a smile an her face.
The man hands her the pants and says, “Iron these!”
…
Interrupting CIA Agent.
Interrupt-
FREEZE!
Okay, start discussing the economy with someone, the debt ceiling, the market, S & P’s downgrade, whatever… After a while use this one.
You know what Adam Smith would say today if he was alive today?
(pause)
(Wrap your knuckles on a hard surface) “let me out of here, hey, hello, …”
An old Johnny Carson/Karnak the Magnificent joke:
Answer: “Sis Boom Bah…”
Question: What sounds are made by an exploding sheep?
There are a lot of jokes like these- I’m sure there’s a name for them, but basically the punchline is from spoonerisms. A couple of examples:
What’s the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits
After the first one just the first (non dirty) answer is given. Example:
Q: What’s the difference between a gang of pygmy bankrobbers and Casey Anthony jogging with Ann Coulter and Nancy Grace?
A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
Q: What do gay horse’s eat?
A: Hayyyyyyyy
{basically, “hey” in an effeminate drawling voice}
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
What’s worse than a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, it’s to whom, you idiot.