This woman goes out to play a round of golf, but shortly after she started, she got stung by a bee. She soldiers on and completes the game, but goes to complain to the club pro after. He asks:
Pro: “Where did you get stung?”
Golfer: “Between the first and second hole”.
Pro: “OK, first off, your stance is too wide…”
Two antennas meet and fall in love.
The wedding was OK, but the reception…
HAHAHAH!
I’m loving these jokes and have to admit I’ve been feeling kinda down lately, so I had a selfish reason for asking for them, so thanks very much, y’all! BTW, a bunch of folks at a birthday party heard some of these tonight and laughed their collective asses off.
I had to write the punchlines on a Post-It, so I wouldn’t forget the three that I told. It’s kind of a family tradition in Dondra’s family that Bill always tells at least one funny joke, and the ones I told were a hit. JSYK. 
Quasi
Have you heard the one about the window?
Aaah, you’ll see right through it.
Have you heard the one about the broken pencil?
Nah, it’s kind of pointless.
Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well!
This is the one I would have offered. I overheard my mother tell this joke when I was about nine (in 1959), didn’t get it for a couple more years, and it still makes me giggle.
“Rectum, hell! It killed him.”
.
I think those are commonly known as “Little Johnny Jokes”, TC, and you’re right, they’re funny as hell!
Q
Two seagulls are on a perch. One says to the other, “Do you smell fish?”
Mr. and Mrs. Cohen had a girl baby they named Carmen. Mrs. Cohen called her Carmen, but for some odd reason her father always called her Cohen. After only a few years she didn’t know if she was Carmen or Cohen.
“Mommy, mommy, we don’t wanna move to Istanbul.” “Shut up kids. Daddy knows what’s Bosphorus.”
“Mommy, mommy, we don’t wanna go to Europe.” “Shut up and keep rowing.”
“Mommy, mommy, I’m tired of walking in circles.” “Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.”
And the blind man said “Good morning ladies”
In 1st grade class, the teacher was going through the alphabet and having kids spell words that begin with each letter…
Teacher: OK, class, who can spell a word that begins with “A”?
Mary: I can! Apple…A-P-P-L-E…
Teacher: Very good, Mary…OK, who can spell a word that begins with “B”?
Eddie: I can! Banana B-A-N-A-N-A…
…and so on…until the teacher reaches “W”…
Teacher: OK, who can spell a word that begins with “W”?
Johnny: I can! Womb…W-O-M-B…
Teacher: Very good, Johnny…that’s where babies come from, right?
Johnny: No, it’s the sound of two elephants fucking…WOMB! WOMB! WOMB!..
Political correctness be damned, here come the Helen Keller jokes:
-How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her when she was bad?
They rearranged the furniture.
-How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her when she was worse?
They put doorknobs on the wall.
-How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her when she was terrible?
They left the plunger in the toilet.
-Why did Helen Keller use two hands to masturbate?
She used one to moan.
How did Helen Keller burn her hand?
Trying to read the waffle iron.
Why did Helen Keller have yellow stripes on her socks?
Her dog was blind too.
What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
She screamed until her fingers turned blue.
You don’t understand … Chunks is my dog!:eek:
A man its walking down a rural road when he sees a farmer feeding his pigs from an apple tree. The farmer picks up a pig and holds it next to a branch so that it can eat an apple from the tree. Then, he puts the pig down, picks up another pig and repeats the process.
The man says to the farmer: “You could save a lot of time by hitting that tree with a stick. All the apples would fall to the ground and feed the pigs at the same time.” The farmer replied: “Yeah, I thought about that. But then it occurred to me, what’s time to a pig?”
(stolen from a joke thread on Google +)
Um, am I supposed to recognize some of these jokes by just their punchlines? 'Cause I don’t.
Thanks
Q
Here in Georgia, we kids used tell it like so: “…killed his damn ass.”
“Johnny, please don’t say ‘ass’. Say ‘rectum’”
“Wrecked him hell! Killed his damn ass!”
You have to say ass as if there’s an “i” after the “a”, and “hell” has an “ai” instsead of the “e”.
There: Instant Jawja acccent!;)
Quasi
Four nuns are are riding in the church van when the van crashes. All four nuns are killed, and they arrive at the pearly gates.
St. Peter: “before I admit you into heaven, I need to ask, have any of you ever touched a penis?”
First nun: “well, yes. I assisted with a circumcision once.”
St. Peter: “thats fine. Just put your hand in this holy water, and you are admitted into heaven.”
The second nun steps up. St. Peter repeats the question.
“well, I helped with that circumcision, so yes, I have.” After asking the second nun to put her hand in the holy water, St. Peter allows her to enter heaven.
The third nun steps up, but before St. Peter can say anything, the fourth nun elbows her way up to him and says, “you better let me gargle with that stuff before you let her stick her ass in it!”
Duck walks into a drugstore and orders a chapstick.
Clerk says cash or charge.
Duck says neither, put it on my bill.
Guy committed suicide by drinking varnish.
It was a terrible way to die but he had a great finish.
Where do cousins come from?
An Aunt hole.
(this only works for people who pronounce aunt like ant)
New Guy gets hired at Wal-Mart. During his training, he assigned to the lawn & garden department. The trainer tells him, “the secret to selling is to up-sell. So if someone comes in looking for grass seed, try to sell them a lawn mower. Like that.” New Guy says he gets it.
Couple weeks later. New Guy is manning the register at the pharmacy counter when a guy comes up with a box of tampons. New Guy says, “so can I interest you in a lawnmower today?” The customer gives New Guy this blank look for moment, then asks, “why in hell would I want a damn lawnmower? I’m buying tampons for my wife!” New Guy replies, “I know. And since you aren’t getting any this weekend, might as well mow the lawn.”
Then there’s the one that ends, “I’m fucking disgusted/this custard!”, but I don’t have time right now to type it out…