Old ladies calling you fat

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I’ve noticed that when a person gets really old, they seem to lose the “disconnect” between what they are thinking…and whether or not it would be okay to verbalize it. What with one thing and another, I have a lot of elderly people in my life. I can honestly say that I don’t recall ANY of them saying anything rude when they were younger. But now? Sometimes they come out with stuff I wouldn’t say in a million years. Not to my worst enemy, my best friend or anyone in between. Even if it was true. Probably esPECIALLY if it was true.

It has become my [sub]probably totally unsubtantiated by science[/sub] opinion that the first brain cells you lose from getting really old are the ones that support the mind/tongue connection. And just to be clear, I’m not defining “really old” by chronological age. I know some 70+ people who are younger than some 50 year olds I know. Usually, when people start with the “possibly true but rude” comments, it is after their physical condition has started to deteriorate. Which is why I think it might be an actual consequence of aging.

And since I am frequently stunned into silence by things like that, I always use the same response. “exCUSE me?” and the only thing is, you have to have the right expression on your face. Sort of a cross between “amazed” and “I can’t have HEARD that correctly”. That kind of thing.

22

I think Scotticher brings up a good point. Don’t forget that many elderly people are suffering from the effects of problems like stroke and dementia that can lead to changes in personality/behavior. So, personally, when elderly people say things like this I don’t take it personally. There’s a good chance they can’t help it and weren’t purposely trying to be rude.

23

I would have put on my best nursery-maid face and asked, “didn’t your mother ever tell you that it’s rude to ask people about their weight?”

24

I’ve got so many great replies to this post, and not a single one of them that wouldn’t get me yelled at by a mod.

25
  1. Raise one eyebrow.
  2. Stare for 3 seconds.
  3. “Bless your little heart…”
  4. Flip ‘ignore’ switch.
26

As soon as she poked my stomach, I’d return the poke, only a little harder . . . then ignore her and return to my conversation.

27

Yeah, so having had a few drinks (and since sobered up) in the new year, thanks for the responses everyone.

I do think she must be in slight dementia, the other part of the story which I didn’t mention is that she didn’t recognize the friend I was talking to even though she’s been attending the church for probably seven years or so. Maybe it was the context, or maybe she’s just never run into her before - but I thought it odd.

But dementia or not, the comment still stung. Those of you encouraging me to make a remark are right, I did want to say something, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe next time if she does it again.

As for those who don’t know, I’m a 6’6" doper dude. Sorry for the confusion. The eyeliner gets some people.

– IG

28

I’ve been the recipient of quite a few of these comments myself, but from the other side of the spectrum: I’m scrawny, and for some reason, some people seem to think that I’ve failed to notice it and take it upon themselves to inform me of that fact.

I’ve had the bald comments like, “You’re too skinny!” and the painfully unfunny “jokes” like, “The wind is strong today. Better hold onto something!” Whereas a sense of decorum will sometimes hold back those who would comment if a person was fat, everyone seems to think the skinny folk are open-season and they take full advantage of it.

Express displeasure with these comments and the common response is a roll of the eyes and a sarcastic comment along the lines of: “I wish I had that problem.” No-- you don’t. It’s not fun being cold all the time and nagged to eat by all and sundry, subject to disbelieving looks when I explain that I do eat-- quite a lot, actually. It’s not fun having your butt-bones bruise against a seat, or being relegated to sit in cramped areas because, “You’re small.” It’s not fun to have to explain every time someone sees me drinking a Slim-Fast that, no, I’m not dieting: I drink it for the extra calories and vitamins* on top* of my meals.

With strangers, the comments can be deflected. A personal favorite of mine is to keep saying, “What? I didn’t catch that,” until the person gets embarassed at repeating comments like that in an increasingly loud tone of voice or gets frustrated enough to drop it. But with acquaintances, co-workers, family friends and the like, it can be much more difficult. If you voice an objection, they pull a wounded demeanor and explain that they’re only saying something because they’re concerned. (Yeah-- as if you’d go up to a cancer patient and say, “Man, you look ate up! Better get yourself some chemo!”)

29

No. nono…Not a poke, a PAT.

A kindly “you poor little old thing you can’t possibly know what you’re saying” pat on the head, or shoulder and a kindly spoken “Oh, Mrs Blathermouth, I’m sure you just forget and can’t help what you say sometimes”.

30

I don’t think you need to go around justifying your weight to people who are being rude, either. I know “but I just lost 30 lbs!” was the first thing you thought but obviously it just made you MORE upset because of her reaction.

Are you new to being fat or something? There’s a lot of great comebacks. Much better than “I lost 30 lbs!” :wink:

Quick story: My grandparents are getting up there and they’re starting to say “mean” things all the time. My cousin has a new baby who is…way fat. The kid looks like a stuffed polar bear. But, his mom (my cousin) is super-model-hot on good days and she was JUST as fat as this kid when she was a baby. It’s just genetics. Anyway, my grandparents mentioned about 7 times apiece on Christmas how fat the baby is, because, they say, he’s overfed. Poor little guy was getting over a stomach virus and threw up. My grandparents insisted it was because he eats too much :confused:

My dad was snarking on them big time to me about this “fat” business when they’d left. The next night we were with a different set of cousins, one of which happens to be a big dude (adult) and as my dad got more drunk HE started with the fat jokes (as side remarks.) I told him “ok, enough, Grandpa” and he shut right up.

You got to call the old folks on their rudeness or they’ll never learn!

31

You’re in Church?

Tell her you forgive her rudeness, because that’s the Christian thing to do. :slight_smile:

32

Improv Geek, please take another look at what happened. This little old geezette on the very edge of your circle of friends and acquaintences came up to you, poked you in the belly, and told you you’re getting fat. Your circumference is a sore point with you, so you saw it as rude and vicious. You missed a few things, though.

She came up to talk to you, which means she knows you better than you think she does. She probably knows your family, and the friend you were talking to.

Her comment was abrasive, yes, but she probably thought of it as kidding. If you weren’t so quick to see it as a putdown, you would have seen these things: You don’t poke strangers; she feels she knows you well enough to get into your personal space and give you a poke. Her comment about your girth says she’s been aware of you for a long time. It also says she feels close enough to you to make a very personal remark. She includes you in her circle of friends.

I read something about the wife of a presidential candidate a few cycles ago. She was uncomfortable in the limelight, then she changed her view of herself. She said, “I am who I am, I weigh what I weigh, and I am my age.” Once she faced herself, she was more at ease facing the press.

You’re not happy with your weight, and you are probably working on it. You are still you, though, even at your current weight.

I’m nearly as tall as you, and I am also overweight. If I had been in your big, shiny shoes that Sunday, I probably would have said, “Yes, I am getting fat. Howya been, Myrtle?”

33

About an hour later, I fret that I might have gone overboard. I still think that anger and pointy comebacks are not the right response, but I may have prattled on too long.

34

I think people can say true things about you or false things. If it is true obviously it cannot be hurtful if you accept it about yourself. If it is false, then obviously it cannot be hurtful.

35

Nasty comebacks won’t make her comment sting less. You behaved like a gentleman when faced with bald rudeness and you should proud of yourself.

Saying “I lost 30 pounds” is inadequate. You didn’t just lose those pounds, you fought to get rid of them and that’s no small feat. You should feel proud of yourself for that, too.

36

AskNott, I began posing a response and then threw it away. What you said is true and for 95% of the world, I don’t care what people say. I mean seriously. I can let most things roll off and move on in life. But there are some things from some people which stick.

Yes, she did come up to talk to me, but so did a dozen other people - why should I let her comment slide? Why shouldn’t it bother me and surprise me with its audacity? Also, I know it wasn’t kidding, I was talking with my dad at church and apparently she has made a similar comment to him before too - apparently she’s openly critical towards fat people. Something I just never knew.

The feelings from yesterday have worn off and I’m just over it. At the time all the “should’ve smacked her down” comments made me feel better and now I’m over it. Life goes on. It’s 2007.

– IG

37

This is my take on it as well. My ex’s father was always lucid and able to think clearly, and he was a gentleman who would never knowingly be rude. However, by his mid-70s he started to have issues with forgetting to use his “inside voice” and would say things that I don’t think he meant to say out loud.

He once reached over and felt my sister’s bicep and said: “You’re arms are getting to be like a man’s” and then continued to sip his coffee as if he had done no such thing. It’s as if he lost his impulse control momentarily and didn’t quite realize he had actually done what he meant to only think about.

38

Your arms rather. I wish this board provided a short window to edit typos. That one is a pet peeve of mine. :: sigh :: And I previewed too.

39

I can understand how upsetting that could be. I hope in the future she can keep hurtful comments like that to herself. But it does remind me of something that my father-in-law did at my niece’s school recital. As the kids walked across the stage to take their places on the risers, my father-in-law said, in a very loud voice, “ Good grief! Look how fat the kid in the blue shirt is! He is huge! How did he ever get that big?..Look, there is another big fat kid right behind him, what a slob! And look at that big fat girl over there. What is going on with all these fat kids in this school?”

The rest of us were quite horrified by this outburst. It went on as long as it did because we were all so stunned, none of us could say anything. It was so completely out of character for this usually nice, kind, reserved man. He had never said things like that in private, much less in public. We could not imagine why he did that.

A few days later I was sitting across the kitchen table from him. We had been chatting about the weather or something. He paused for bit and just stared at me. He said, “ I have a feeling that you are very important to someone around here. But I can’t for the life of my figure out why.” I had no idea what that meant. I replied, “ I am married to your son.” He asked me for how long. I said 7 years. He looked down at the table and said, “ I probably should have known that.” It was a heartbreaking moment.

Shortly after that he was diagnosised with Alzheimer’s.

So as much as I can understand your wanting to say something back to her, I think you did the right thing by just letting it go. I imagine it would have been worse had you told her off, only to find her family has been searching for a nursing home that takes dementia patients because she is losing her mind.

Now if it turns out that she has always been a rude, busybody woman and this is just typical of her, then if she mentioned it again I would suggest she skip the adult church service and sit in on the 5 year old’s Sunday School class where they will be covering the topic of, “If you can’t say anything nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.”
On preview I see she does have a history of doing it. I can not understand what could make a person behave as she does. Best if you can avoid her.

40

I don’t agree with those saying you can’t say anything back to her for a variety of reasons. You can always say something to someone being rude to you; it just might not have any effect. Even if she does have dementia or Alzheimer’s, Improv Geek, you can always say something like, “Well, that’s your opinion” and walk away.

It reminds me of an incident that happened this last Christmas season. We were all lined up at Sears, and it was taking a long time. An old guy walked up to the counter, completely ignoring the line, and wanted to pay for his underwear purchase. The cashier told him the back of the line was over there. He said I don’t want to wait in line. She basically said too bad - get. And he went (to a different cash register). Like I said before, being old and/or not in control of your faculties is not a free pass.