When I was 24 I was in a Jersey Shore house with some friends. So I’m talking to this girl in a club who ended up being like 34 with a 18 year old kid. Like many guys that age I was like “whoa! this chick is OLD!” But on furthur reflection, it dawned on me that the 18 year old high school seniors I had hooked up with at a party the week before would probably think the same about me. So I ended up making out with the older woman in a club.
Whoopee, yet another pre-fab cultural model that Breaks All The Rules — and is useful mostly to subtly reinforce the idea that you can’t just break some of the rules.
But let’s be honest; if BG is 42 and he’s chasing women “in thier twenties” you could be talking about a 42-year-old dating a 28-year-old. That’s not particularly noteworthy.
The sort of things referenced in the other thread are actors in their sixties and seventies macking actresses in their twenties and thirties - for instance, “Entrapment” starring Sean Connery (69) and Catherine Zeta-Jones (30) or any number of Woody Allen films.
Frankly, if a man in his forties or fifties came onto me, I’d be creeped out by the power imbalance. That’s only ten years younger than my mom. What does a man of that age want with a girl of my age? If he was a high school teacher it’d be even weirder, considering I’m maybe three or four years older than the kids he teaches (I finished high school in 2002. A 44-year-old finished high school in what, 1980? Four years before I was even born?).
I don’t have life experience even near equivilent to his. We probably wouldn’t share any of the same cultural preferences or hang out in the same circles. What’s it gonna be like when he takes me to meet his friends and they sit around talking about their next promotion and their sixth-grade kids? I can’t imagine he’d be interested in my conversation, no matter how well-read I was (in my experience, older men don’t tend to take anything a 20-something woman says seriously. Maybe you’re different, maybe not). So he’s with me for my tight body? How about in ten years when it’s not so tight anymore, is he still going to want me then? If he believes (as you seem to believe) that I’m silly and immature, why in the world should I want to date him? Why should I date a man more than twenty years my senior, who only wants me for my body, and who doesn’t have anything in common with me and who thinks I’m immature and witless? What in the world would I get out of such a relationship? When I could go out and find another 20-something who has everything in common with me and who’s on my experience level at that? (As it happens, I’m in a relationship with a 20-something right now, but this is a hypothetical situation).
My husband’s belt buckle from Vietnam is older than his second wife. They didn’t last (obviously). Sometimes the age thing can be an issue. But it depends on the actual life experience and maturity and all that. It can work.
You don’t have to convince me to not chase girls your age. I’ve already stated that I don’t and I’ve given a couple-three reasons why. I don’t know if you personally are immature and witless or not. I do think that your Vietnam war remark indicates that you lump everybody not in your age group an amorphous group who are “old.” As for the “old” guys who do hit on you because they think you are attractive, would you prefer they thought you were ugly?
When I was in my 20’s, I dated up the age scale, and found it most rewarding; between 22 and 26 I dated a 34, 40, 42, and a 44 year old. These women were just that, women, not empty headed chippies with malls on the brain. 1 had kids, that just loved me (kids like you, the mom likes you) and frequently brought her friends by for les menage, 1 flew me from Chicago to NY and gave me her x-husband’s jeep and spending money to drive home, 1 (married) wined me and dined me at the finest restaurants and took me for stays at places like Sybaris, Swissotel and the Drake. All of this came with incredible sex, (the kind that comes with experience) stimulating conversation, and a freedom that younger women just don’t have (or at least didn’t 10 years ago).
That said, I think older men seek younger women because of their fresh perspective. They aren’t carrying the weight of life experience on their shoulders, and are more optimistic, less jaded, and can be more open to the possibilities that life can offer. Things are less rote with someone who hasn’t done them a hundred times before.
That said, as far as the “ick” factor, I get squicked out by Anna Nicole Smith and Larry King equally. It’s clear what they’re up to, but how does it hurt me, or society if Ms. Smith wants to flog some ancient bastard for his stacks?
Ick, like oooh! is in the eye of the beholder.
When I was 28, I dated a woman that was considerably older than I. One of the things she liked about me was that I could talk with her about all sorts of things, including, I imagine, the Vietnam War… despite the fact that I was nine when the war more or less ended and 11 when the last helicopter left the American Embassy in Saigon. But notwithstanding my young age at the time, I grewup to recognize that the Vietnam War had a profound effect on our nation’s history and collective consciousness, and was thus a worthwhile topic of conversation – and learning.
There are certainly good reasons to limit your dating to a particular age range. But an inability to find areas in common for conversation is not something I’d be happy about; I’d like to think that I could have an interesting conversation with a 21 year old or a 61 year old. I’d probably not date either of them, because neither of them would be in the same place in life and share the same sorts of goals. The 21-year-old is likely still in school or just beginning to build a career; the 61-year-old is looking at retirement. It would be challenging, at the least, to intertwine my life and goals with either situation … but I’d be confident in my ability to be an interesting conversational companion to either of them.
And of course, Mrs. Bricker doesn’t really let me date, so that woould be another challenge. 
This reminds me of an article I can across on the web.
I’ll start this off by saying, age shouldn’t be a factor when two people get along, and share common interests. I don’t really have ay problems with younger men and older women, or older men and younger women as a couple, but people who EXCLUSIVELY date younger can be problematic in my mind. I have dated older, younger, and sometimes by as much as 10 to 12 years difference. Almost all the relationships in my family have large age differences. Some are good relationships, some have had issues.
There are some people who relate better on a personal level to people younger than themselves. I have a couple friends like that, their interests and tastes are more similar to people who are 10 to 20 years younger than them. Most of my friends who are like this are highly creative people, and although they often date people younger than them, they do not only date younger people but they do date people who are young at heart exclusively. This is something I have no problem with at all, nor do I have a problem with any happen stance relationship between people with age gaps between them.
There are those who date younger than themselves who are interested in a short term fling. I see some potential of psychological issues in people who date younger due to wanting to avoid commitment. A few of the men in the article stated that the younger women were less interested in long term relationships as an issue.
What I find funny is most women I know in their 30’s and 40’s are no longer interested in marriage, because either they have been there & done that or they never wanted to marry anyway, where as women in their 20’s often have a dream of marrying by the time they are 30.
What I see in some situations where an older person dates younger to avoid commitment, is that the older person does not want a relationship with an equal aged person because they think of the younger person as not being marriage material. Because of the difference in age, the older partner can avoid thinking of the younger person’s own desires for a relationship, because they do not see this partner as an equal. In a way this is a power play for the older person.
If someone is just out there to have fun and have a wild fling, age should be irrelevant to the equation, but by choosing only younger people, it is selfish if the reason for choosing the younger person is a perceived belief that younger people aren’t interested in marriage or long term relationships, and to project your own belief that they are uninterested is dismissing another’s emotions.
Although there are aspects of power struggles in almost all relationships, a May/December has a built in imbalance, and sometimes an older partner is seeking that because of their own conscious or subconscious desires for control.
Another excuse used in the above article is that older women had “baggage”, or older women were less set in their ways, or that younger women were more easily impressed. These excuses seemed like men seeking naive women, again a power struggle in the making. The three in that article, Larry, Alan, and Bill, do give me a little bit of an ick feeling - in that they see life experience as a negative thing. It seems to me they want a one sided relationship where their decisions are not questioned, and where they can easily “lead” the relationship without question.
Some of these guys seemed a little less icky than others, but even so, if a person is making a decision to date only younger people, they should examine themselves and their reasons a little closer and see if perhaps they have some issues with control.
[insert your own Woody Allen joke here]
Which of you has more power?
Because an older partner has more experiences, quite simply his skills, and decision making is based off of more knowledge. Take for example the article ( Match | Start Something Great ) where, Alan who thinks a woman his age will always think he’s lying to him. A woman his own age has developed life skills and may be skeptical because she has seen behavior like his before. A younger partner doesn’t always have a baseline to compare behavior against, therefore doesn’t have the knowledge that some of their partner’s actions or behavior may not be not appropriate under the circumstances. Is that not an imbalance of power?
I’ve been conditioned my whole life to defer to older men. Fathers, uncles, teachers, all older men who held seniority and power. I would perceive a man in his forties and fifties as an authority figure and I would have a harder time refusing him, or challenging his decisions if I thought they were wrong. Someone my own age is on a much more even keel as far as power in a relationships.
Let’s see – a middle aged man with a bald spot and a bit of a paunch, or a 20-year-old hardbody babe? No, I’d say the 20-year-old holds all the cards in that relationship. Which one do you think is going to have first right of refusal for sex, for instance? Which one is going to get all the expensive gifts? If the relationship ends, which one is going to have an easier time finding a new mate?
No, we middle-aged letches like younger women primarily because they have power over us, what with their perky boobs and all.
And I don’t think I’ve ever met a guy who sought a mate he could have power over. Most guys I know want a) someone hot to have sex with, and b) someone they can stand for more than 5 minutes.
But you people who think relationships are all about power, perhaps you should question your own assumptions. Personally, I think that’s where the real “ick” lies.
**tdn ** is right, and I’ve been trying to think of a way to say it all day but couldn’t come up with it. Relationships should not be about power plays or controls, and that assumption - that it automatically will be - will damage the relationship right away.
He’s also right in saying the woman has the power. I see what you’re saying, Mississippienne, but it doesn’t compute. If it is a real power play sort of relationship, the girl will learn it soon enough and learn how to use it.
On the other hand, he could teach her good advice and she could take it gently and balance it with her own feelings and learn from him.
In the end, it seems like we’re getting overly fixated on this age thing. It shouldn’t matter so much. If you two are compatible, a little age thing should not slow you down.
Thanks, babe. I’ll be undressing you with my eyes as soon as I can find my bifocals.
The old man usually believes he does.
When I was in my late teens/early 20s I used to date anyone of any age provided that they were good conversationalists, we had similar interests and hobbies, and they bothered to ask me out. I used to talk to anyone who would talk to me and wasn’t overly rude/sexual and a lot of older guys wanted to talk to me. I even dated about 5 men older than 30 in what were some of the worst dating experiences of my life.
For one, some of them were pedophiles or close to it. When I was 18 I could pass for 12 and I had a lot of scetchy guys express interest in me. When I told them how old I was they would lose interest.
Secondly, for most of them it was a power/dominance thing. I’ve noticed that most of the men who kept hitting on/persuing me when they were old enough to be my father had dominance problems in their lives. They would often talk down to me, always had to be right, and would constantly try to get me to change things about myself in an underhand nature. When I was casually dating one I was 95 pounds, which at 5’3, is underweight. I have a high metabolism so I can eat tons of food without gaining weight. One time I was pigging out at a buffet and he told me that I shouldn’t eat so much or I was going to get fat. I would’ve had to have gained 45 pounds before I would be overweight! I’ve never had a guy around my age talk to me the way that the older men talked to me.
I’m not saying that all older men are into it for power/dominance, I’m just saying that that was the case for all the much older men I’ve dated/allowed to flirt with me. It completely turned me off to dating older men.
I did have a good experience with a 31-year-old when I was 23. He treated me like a partner instead of a toy or a kid. When I met him on our first date he was shocked at how young I looked in person and without makeup. He said that he normally didn’t go after girls as young as myself but that he really liked my profile.
Although I have been attracted to guys old enough to be my father, it was always mental and emotional rather than physical. Because older men don’t do it for me sexually, it’s a real turn off when they come on from a sexual angle rather than an emotional or intellectual one.
Finally, I don’t care how old you are, if you are married, don’t hit on me.
Firstly, I don’t want to be in a power play sort of relationship, or one that would develop into that. Why should I play mind-games with some man? If he was really my man, I wouldn’t have to.
I think the differing perspectives on who has the power in a relationship is based off of individual experiences and how you were raised. In my mind, men automatically have more power. They have the physical power to hit you, to hurt you, to throw you out, to abuse your children. They usually have more money and better careers, so they don’t depend on you for monetary support. In a personal sense, they have the power to cheat on you, to divorce you, to belittle you and berate you, to betray your love and trust. If a fifty-year-old man tells me to be quiet because I have nothing worthwhile to say, it’s a lot harder for me to fight back than it would be if it was a twenty-year-old man. (Mind you, any man who would treat me in any of these ways is likely to find himself very lonely very quickly).
In what way is that different from a young man?
In what way is that different than a person of any age or either sex? You think young women can’t cheat? You think they can’t hurt you?
That’s a significant amount of power that you wield there. Leaving him, that is.
Over in the CS thread we were talking about movie relationships, which is something we’d have to pay $10 to watch for 90-120 minutes. Personally, I enjoy watching interesting, complex characters who are incredibly hot. 
IRL if grandpa wants to get it on with the homecoming queen, I’m not so much bothered as long as I don’t work with or for either of them. Also, as many above have said, it is the people involved that create (or negate) the ick factor, so it’s hard to generalize.
Anyhoo…several years ago I worked for a dating service which catered mostly to wealthy (heterosexual) professionals who claimed to be looking for long-term commitments. This was before the internet and reality TV became the preferred methods of finding a mate. The membership was mostly in the 30-45 range, but there were a lot more female clients than males. The males skewed just slightly older than the women, but the bulk of the clients were in their late 30’s/early 40’s. Many of both genders were divorcees, though I believe there was a higher proportion of divorces on the female side, where a larger portion of men were never-married (I never saw any hard data, this is just from looking at a lot of profiles over the course of a year).
While the women in general were pretty open-minded about who they met, most of the men (except for the oldest ones) refused to consider women older than their early thirties. The most depressing thing I realized at the time was that most of our female clients were educated, accomplished, interesting, attractive women, but more often than not they were rejected sight-unseen just because of their age. I felt bad they paid all this money for a client pool of men who didn’t deserve them.