Omnibus Stupid MFers in the news thread (Part 2)

The BBQ Pit
2341

Anyone whose owned a cat should know they’re furry little murderbots.

Our cats like to sit at the sliding glass door, open but with the screen in place, and watch the chipmunks get seed from the deck. They’ll spend hours there just watching the little buggers go back and forth. My wife got them harnesses and took them out on the deck. Seems the chipmunks have gotten used to the cats being around when they eat, so one goes right up to the cat.

You know where this is going. Thankfully the cat didn’t quite get the chance to murder Chippy (all chipmunks are named Chippy) but you know damn well she wanted to. They’re literally sitting there for hours watching creatures running around on the deck and they want to KILL ALL OF THEM. Their favorite pastime is dreaming about murdering things smaller than they are.

2342

I don’t think you needed the modifier at the end of this sentence.

2343

Or more amusingly:

2344

Well, we had a semi-feral outdoor cat, and the only evidence we ever saw of murderous intent was the occasional dead gopher. For that she was my hero. She had the patience of a saint, and Superman hearing apparently, because she could hear (or feel?) them digging underground, but they couldn’t tell she was there. Bingo bango, dead gopher.

2345

2346

I mean… that’s what predators do, you know? Murder is as much a part of nature as photosynthesis.

2347

Shark: I read that more people are killed by cows than by sharks. Do you think that’s true?

Cow: I haven’t given it much thought. Been too busy with all the murdering.

2348

Yeah, it’s just the idea that the sweet little year old kittens who we setup with some Cat TV for their enjoyment are actually enjoying the thought of tearing off a chipmunk’s head and eating it. When we go “look they’re so excited!” they’re actually working up a murderous rage.

2349

It’s not a rage, it’s excitement. When our ravenous pittie targets gophers and bunnies, it’s the best thing he has in his day. He’s on FIRE with happiness!

2350

kek-kek-kek-kek-kek-kek-kek-kek

2351

I can’t believe that people forget that cats are stone cold killers by nature. To me, that’s half the appeal. I like the fact that the John Wick of the animal world wants to cuddle in my lap.

Now that chirping sound, that’s just a stream of profanity, IMHO. It’s the cat muttering, “Fuck you, birds. Fuck you!” over and over again.

2352

Of course, the birds are all saying one of two things, either “Heeeey, baby!”, or “You! Get offa my turf!”.

2353

And now back to our regular stupidity:

Ah, Florida Woman. Determined not to be left behind in the race to the bottom.

2354

Lauren Riley, 41, was sitting shotgun when her friend was pulled over in St. Petersburg for failing to wear a seatbelt…

This is why you should always wear your seatbelt!

2355

If you saw a pizza running around in your backyard, you wouldn’t want to pounce on that sucker?

2356

Hey, it’s one reason I retired from teaching…

Well, ok, I guess it’d be down the list after Declining Memory, Declining Health, Declining Patience… and number one: Declining Restraint When Speaking to Bureaucratic Asshats.

2357

You actually had that at one time? I guess I was born with a defective Tact gland!

2358

Is that Sam Kinison’s sister?

2359

To be fair, I’m pretty sure that Bureaucratic Asshats to Whom One Must Speak are a feature of absolutely every job.

2360

Good for you. I’ve been in GIS since before it was called GIS. I developed a fantastic DB that is going to go crazy with additions and changes.

My job for the next 18 moths is to show people what it is. That’s what I’m working on.

To not do that would be unfair to the people I care about. And unfair to the public that the system supports.

Honor? Ethics? Morals? Duty? No. I just care. Simple as that.