When we were first married, my husband had to wake me up in the middle of the night regularly to ask me to let him back in the bed. I would snuggle up to him in my sleep and he would move away. Do that enough times and he was falling off the edge. I didn’t even know I was doing it. Eventually I learned to stay on my own side of the bed.
Before we go to sleep, though, he will snuggle, with my head on his shoulder, pretty much as long as I want, especially on a non-work night. Sometimes I tell him he should go to sleep, and he tells me he’s willing to stay if I want. I know he’s just lying there awake in the dark, while I’m dozing off.
But when snuggle time is over, we head for opposite sides of the bed.
I like cuddling. I also move around in my sleep. Perfect solution: cuddle until one of the two of you falls asleep. If it’s you, then you fell asleep; problem solved. If it’s her, then you roll over and go to sleep. She won’t notice; she’s asleep. (Caveats: if she does notice, pretend you’re asleep. If she’s willing to wake you up just to yell at you for not cuddling, then take that as early warning and get out while the getting’s good, because fuck that shit.)
This strategy has been tested and approved by the Committee for Successful Cuddler/Noncuddler Relationships.
This thread is awesome. As someone who is well and truly happy with the fact that I’ll never again have to share a bed with someone of the opposite sex (and only of the same sex under very special circumstances), my heart is swelling. I think I’m going to go now and pass out in bed while eating crackers, even though it’s only 6 pm
I like sex, and I like cuddling, but I see them as largely unrelated. A lot of people don’t get this, and I thought it was just me.
I don’t see cuddling as foreplay or after play but as something unto itself. Like sex it’s a form of intimacy, more affectionate even, but also like sex it’s something both (all?) participants should be in the mood for and should agree to break off without hard feelings (no pun intended) and return to separate corners when finished. (“Ah well… goodnight” is the first cue for “I’m through cuddling”; the second is when I roll over and stop cuddling; this is not meant as an insult or an “I never want to hold you again” gesture.)
An odd thing: of the guys I’ve been to bed with, and admittedly (I say with neither shame nor pride) that’s not a very large sample, two were emotionally distant when not in bed- i.e. self involved, not at all what you’d call demonstratively affectionate, generally not particularly nice people- were the clingiest cuddlers. Out of curiosity, does anybody else have this experience?
My most important ex I no longer have sex with but we still cuddle sometimes, then split into our separate beds- there’s honestly nothing sexual about it.
Incidentally, what I particularly dislike about postcoital holding of somebody is my arm under their body. That’s uncomfortable as hell. I don’t mind it at the top of the bed, and the one draped over you may not be so bad, but nobody is too light to not cut off circulation or at least make it uncomfortable to move. And I’m another one who HATES having an arm draped over me when I’m trying to sleep.
We usually cuddle right when we get into bed, and it lasts until one of us starts nodding off. Then we usually untangle ourselves and leave each other alone. Both of us like to cuddle but both of us also value our sleep so it works out just fine. Lucky us I guess.
I can’t stand sleeping with someone’s arm around me. The weight bugs me, rubbing my stomach bugs me and it’s hard to move around and get comfortable without waking them up. If I try to go to sleep with my head on their shoulder I don’t know where to put my lower arm that doesn’t cut off the circulation to it. I like cuddling but when it comes to sleeping I just want to be left alone. I don’t even mind being woken up for or by sex as long as I don’t have to get up early in the morning as long as they quit touching me as I try to fall asleep.
So, do women enjoy being felt up in their sleep, coupled with a raging boner pressing up against them in the middle of the night? That sounds like a swell time to me.
Lounging on the couch- cuddling is OK.
Sitting by the fire- cuddling is OK.
Post sex in the morning- cuddling is OK, and one or both of us might actually fall asleep.
At night, in bed, post sex or no sex- absolutely no cuddling.
Every night, I get into bed and my wife turns out the light then climbs in, and we have to feel for each others’ faces in the dark to give a goodnight kiss, then we roll opposite ways from each other, backs a good foot apart, and fall asleep. Even if we’ve had sex in bed at night, I roll off and she goes into the bathroom to clean up, and when she comes back we retreat to our own sides of the bed. I’m often asleep by the time she returns. But for some reason, if we’ve done the morning nasty, I can lie on my back with my arm around her while she curls into me with her head on my chest and her leg across mine, and we’ll both probably drift off. But at night- forget it.
Fortunately we both just naturally are of the same opinion about this, so no negotiation was necessary.
ETA: she has also told me that if I feel the need for her services in the middle of the night, she’s agreeable. She’s proven this to be true on many occasions.
It’s been a long, long time since I cuddled with an adult in bed. When I’ve had to share a bed with a kid, it’s easy. Some sort of primal mama switch gets flipped in my brain and I can hold the kid and sleep and pretty much not get woken up unless something dire happens.
Many years ago, a friend of mine was a horrible cuddler and seemed to think that just because she was 5’2", she didn’t weigh anything and could drape herself on me. No, honey. Your gigantic, bulbous head is destroying nerve tissue in my arm and also any chance that I’ll ever agree to spend the night at your house again. It may have been her way of trying to initiate something of a romantic nature. It failed.
But, maybe I’d enjoy it with somebody larger, and I could be all, “Oh, look at me! I’m a cute little girl and am going to cut off your circulation and make you overheat and you have to put up with it if you want to continue getting sex!” As I’m not that sadistic, I doubt it.
Big point of contention with me and my late bf, he thought that I should “work on” learning how to sleep in a cuddle whereas I have a hard time finding a comfortable sleeping position even when alone…add 2 extra knees and elbows into the mix and becomes impossible.
Rubbing a boner against me to wake me up guarantees that I will awaken quite out of the mood. Rubbing a boner against me when I’m awake guarantees that I will be totally turned off, unless I am already agreeable to the idea of having sex. Try rubbing your hands over a woman, if you want to arouse her.
But I have to! He steals all the blankets and it’s winter in Iowa.
Actually, he’s more of a cuddler than I am, but time and cold weather have taught me the value of extra warm bodies in bed. It’s when he has me trapped on one side and three cats are packed in on the other that I start feeling a little standoffish.
I feel like I’m at a Cuddlers Anonymous meeting here.
Hi. I’m lobotomyboy63 and I love to cuddle. What’s worse, though, is that I’m a subconscious cuddler. That means I could go to sleep totally exhausted and, rarely, in no mood for cuddling at all. But when I fall asleep, I will roll over and cuddle.
The ex- said that my arm was like a sack of flour crushing her. True, there was a lot of latent hostility in our relationship, but that was affection. And as for the morning wood, yeah, we can’t control that. I’m a big fan of “waste not want not” but YMMV…hers certainly did.
My proposed solution: get one or two of those long body pillows. Put them between the two of you. That would remind someone like me, even if I’m half-awake, that I’m entering neutral territory.
ETA: How much of the cuddling comes from BS on TV? They always show people in bed with her head on his chest as they sleep peacefully…I don’t think so, Tim! Sooner or later somebody’s uncomfortable…even if it’s just waking up with a wicked-ass crick in your neck or an arm that has died from lack of circulation.
I always liked the scene in Sex & the City where Miranda and Steve were cuddling and she asked “How long do we have to do this?” That’s pretty much how I feel about it. (I’m a girl.)
I am ok with morning snuggling between the time when the first alarm goes off and when we have to get up, and I can fall back to sleep - or at least doze off - then. But other than that, sleep and cuddling do not go together. And cuddling at all is best done in limited quantities.
