This makes me feel a bit better. I can sit there and listen while people talk and enjoy it to a point.
Not that I’ll agree with them, but I understand their point and have learned they think a certain thing or a certain way.
But rarely am I interested in saying much about myself, for various reasons. Which is just as well, as people think I’m weird anyway.
And that’s definitely not the point I was trying to make, because there is a huge difference between being a naturally introverted person and having a deficit in social skills. 
I wish I wasn’t as much of an introvert as I am (which, by all accounts, isn’t quite as introverted as I always thought). What I mean is that I’ve always envied people who can just talk right off the cuff to anybody about anything. I’m convinced it’s a gift. I live too much inside my head to naturally do something like that unless I consciously change my mindset so I’m not inside my own head. I’ve done it before. It’s like going onstage where you wait for your cue and BAM, there you are, just DO IT.
Which is fine if you’re literally onstage. But if you’re not…
Yes yes yes! Having good social skills seems to be quite unrelated to extroversion/introversion, although the easy assumption to make is introvert = bad social skills, extrovert = good social skills.
There are all types of poor social skills, from people who don’t contribute enough, to people who contribute too much, to people who ask the same questions over and over because they don’t actually listen to your answers.
I disagree that introvert means ‘can’t talk right off the cuff to anybody about anything’.
Making good conversation is a skill, and it’s unrelated to introversion/extroversion. I can talk to anyone about anything when I decide to (and I often have to for work). The only affect that introversion has is that I’ll feel tired afterwards and need to recharge with some alone time.
Like any skill, some seem born with it, whilst others have to work to develop it.
I am very introverted but not at all shy. But I do have a poor sense of how to contribute in ways to enhance the social experience of small groups. I am very comfortable being with people either one-on-one or in front of very large audiences. In the former environment I can really be myself, in the latter I love to be a bit of a showman. Being on stage is invigorating but being in a small group is exhausting, like walking around with my biceps constantly flexed. Right now I have the best of both worlds: my work is entirely solitary, but I teach larger groups of people for an hour or so at a time.
In small groups I have a tendency to be either very quiet or, if I let myself go a little, unintentionally argumentative and dominating. I usually just go with cold and awkward instead of insincere and aggressive. My wife excels in these sorts of environments, so she does all of the friend-making in our relationship. That works very, very well for me.
Of course group socializing is a skill and I have learned what I can over the years to get on and have been pretty successful in an extroverted world. But now I try to avoid these kinds of environments when they are not absolutely necessary. I am more temperamentally suited to sitting by myself for hours and concentrating, so I do that instead. I am much happier and more content than I used to be when small groups were the norm.
Yeah, that’s basically what I was thinking when I read the OP.
Publicly calling attention to another person’s perceived shortcomings isn’t helping to make this a pleasant social experience for everyone. And what kind of answer is the asker expecting? I can’t think of many plausible, honest responses that wouldn’t make things even more awkward. I mean, the real reason is most likely “Because I don’t feel like talking” or “Because this conversation is boring to me”, although it might be something like “Sorry, I’ve been kind of distracted since my husband was diagnosed with cancer.” None of these are going to liven up the conversation.
If the quiet person isn’t usually so quiet and others are concerned that there’s something wrong, there are more discreet ways to check than saying “Why are you so quiet?” in front of a group. If the goal is just to prompt the quiet person to say something then there are plenty of better small talk starters one could try, even just “So how was your weekend?”
That’s essentially what it was. On top of not getting the “Why are you so quiet?” questions (and my friends getting the “Why doesn’t Joey like us?” questions), hoenstly, it would warm me up to the crowd, help me make new friends and after I loosened up a bit I sort of got over myself and end up being a bit more of a chatterbox and yes, that was actually more enjoyable for everyone. I could push the conversation towards one of my interests or at least something mutually interesting and they didn’t just have one person at the table who wasn’t talking.
I’m not sure if that’s sarcastic or not, but yeah, that’s pretty much it. It you are introverted and would prefer to sort of blend into the background when you find yourself in a large gathering, a little small talk here and there will go a long way.
Oh, I absolutely agree. It’s a rude thing to say, and I suspect it never has the desired impact. What I was trying to say (perhaps badly) was that I understand the motivation behind saying it, even if the thing that is said is rude.
For me, what people seem to have a hard time understanding, is that often I want to be around people, I just don’t want to talk or interact so much. There are lots of times when I want to sit at your table at lunch because I like being close to you, but I really don’t have the energy to have a conversation. People seem to think that it’s absolutely necessary to talk in these situations, even if it’s just to say “why the heck aren’t you talking”? (And somehow, the answer “because I don’t feel like talking” doesn’t seem to work very well.)
And then, when I stay quiet, leave, or, even worse, reluctantly manage to produce some low-quality small talk, people think I’m being rude or grumpy.
Really, I don’t want to be. I want to be your friend, I just don’t want to talk right now. Just shut up, give me some scritches behind the ear, let me watch you eat your sandwich, and I’ll be as happy as a pig in clover.
I’ve always just interpreted “why are you so quiet?” as “I would enjoy speaking with you, but I’m too socially awkward to just ask you a question.” Or, perhaps, “I just want to make sure you are having a good time.” It’s never accusatory and is often jovial.
When not talking was actually a problem, no one bothered asking me anything. They just flat out told me that there was something wrong, either directly or not quite behind my back. Or they just stopped inviting me.
That’s only happened a couple times, though. Then again, I’m pretty good at doing that whole active listening thing, where I don’t actually have to say much. Or, at least, I was–I’m severely out of practice. I may be getting out, but I don’t talk much while I’m there.
I tend to lean more to the introverted side, but it carries a number of misconceptions. I think your link has some truth to it, and also some exaggerations based on generalizations. It’s fun and can lend to some good discussion topics.
Here is another I recently stumbled upon, which makes for a good read. I actually plan to purchase Cain’s book on the topic.
Socializing is fine, but the problem is how different people perceive the concept of socializing. Some introverts see showing up to a social event as being social, and are more than content with taking it all in and watching people engage. Granted, it’s more passive, by definition, but on their scale, it’s social. More extroverted people see that as a bear minimum, preferring to actively engage or even lead conversation, because that is fulfilling to them and bears qualities that can only happen in groups of people (meaning active socializing directly contrasts anything that could ever happen in solitude or more introverted environments).
The “why are you so quite” question can peeve introverts, because it assumes an extroverts point of view is how social situations should unfold. This isn’t true, but it has largely been characterized and shaped through social conditioning. In order to be social, one idea is that you have to be seen talking to people, as it exudes panache, breaks the ice, etc.; an introvert can spend one-on-one time with someone new, in a corner, and that would qualify just the same, just not on a macro level.
I can see the validity in the question, but it’s short-sighted. It’s not making it a pleasant social experience for everyone, it’s an attempt to force someone to engage on a level which doesn’t necessarily fit their personality type, for the benefit of others. It insinuates that something is wrong with them for “killing the mood”, when that isn’t the intent.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with your line of thinking, once it’s genuine. That’s the ideal with all this-- you want people to feel comfortable in any setting, by engaging as they see fit. Introverts or people who lean in that direction, aren’t necessarily shy, for example, since I have no problem public speaking, commanding/leading on projects, engaging people, enjoy company at the house/vacation, etc. However, I do have many qualities which align with an introvert, and I happen to be at my best among small groups, don’t actively seek attention, listen more than I speak, and sort things out in my head, before doing so verbally.
There are pros and cons to each, but they shouldn’t be defined or criticized by a specific type of social situation/engagement.
Here’s an interesting one. I’m at a big house party (I was always the designated driver, and I liked the friends I was going with). I’m sitting around on a couch or something drinking my red Gatorade. Another guy comes up to me and says “Gatorade huh, me too” I said “Yup, but I really like the blue kind and they were out of it so I had to get red”. I shit you not he said “I like the red one but they were out, so I got the blue one”
We traded bottles and 15 years later we’re still friends (well, facebook friends at this point since he lives a thousand miles away).
Worked a lot better then “How come you don’t talk to anyone?” or “Why aren’t you drinking beer, you allergic or something?”
If I don’t have anything to add to a conversation, I don’t add it. I personally have never been told I’m “too quiet” though, because eventually there is always something I could add (often to goad the main talker towards their next talking point or add an anecdote of my own). I’ve never considered talking in a group setting as part of “contributing towards others enjoyment” because I just don’t parse socializing or conversations that way. Just being around people can be enjoyable. Then again, I also don’t parse small talk so I never engage in it. I only ask questions I genuinely want to know the answer to or talk about. I tend to hang out with people who also think along these lines - extrovert or non.
I socialize very easily once I know the other people involved and what they like to talk about (which I learn through observation first). There has to be at least a 40-50% ratio of people I know in the group though.
I have gotten the “lighten up” part, however, because apparently when I am walking and thinking I get resting bitch face. I’ve also been told I “look lonely” because I am eating lunch alone, even though I have a book and am perfectly happy to eat lunch alone. People have some serious issues about other people eating alone or something.
And yes, it IS boggling the amount of people who seem to be offended that I don’t drink alcohol.
Also, at least for me, being quiet in social settings is usually not about not *wanting *to take part in the conversation, but literally not being able to. Like pushing a one-ton boulder up a hill, when you visit the land of giant bodybuilders, isn’t something that you could do just because it’s socially expected that you do it and you just choose not to. The fact that everybody else are doing it effortlessly makes no difference. Me attempting to push that boulder will just result in it rolling back down and most likely crush my foot in the process.
And (again, at least for me,) this gets worse the bigger the boulder is, or that is, the bigger the group gets.
If you chop that boulder up into small pieces (let me interact with you one-on-one) it’s easier, then I’ll get it up there just fine, just in smaller portions.
If you let me power up on some steroids (leave me alone for a while to recharge, or catch me on a good day) it’s also easier.
I’m just saying, I’m not leaving that boulder there just because I’m a dick. And honestly, it would be kind of nice if not every party we go to have to involve boulder-pushing. Those things are heavy. Or you go push that boulder up, and I’ll stay here and watch, if it’s all the same to you. You seem to enjoy pushing it, since you always run up to every boulder you see and start moving them around. It’s not like you really need me to get it up there anyway, and to you the thing isn’t actually a boulder at all, but a helium balloon. And really, I’m having fun watching you do it.
(And I apologise for that very confused analogy.)
No, not at all sarcastic! I’m pretty introverted, and it took me some time to realize that if everybody’s dancing, the worst thing you can do is stand still, because you’ll stick out like a sore thumb and everyone’s going to take notice. (This is just for illustrative purposes…if my choice is to dance or run away, I will run). I put in the misleading smiley because I realized I was channeling the makeup lady from Edward Scissorhands with the “blend, blend, blend”.
I’ve started telling people that I lose all inhibitions when I drink and if I had a sip, I would instantly start humping their leg. Usually shuts them up.
Besides, it’s kind of true.
The introverted thing was a big reason I smoked so much in college. “Oh, every is dancing/talking/playing a drinking game…time for a smoke” It was a great way to get outside or at least have a good reason to go to the other side of the room and keep to myself for a few minutes without anything thinking much of it. “I’m going outside for a smoke” is a lot more socially acceptable than “if you’re going to blather on for the next ten minutes about the last three super bowls, I’m going to tune you out and day dream, snap me out of it when you’re done talking about sports. kthxbai”
I respectfully disagree. I think there is a correlation, often, between introversion and poor social skills, for the obvious reason that extroverts (by the way, that should properly be “extraverts”, but that’s another battle I’m losing, so never mind) get to practice their socials skills a heck of a lot more.
Saying “fine, it’s OK that you’re an introvert, but - AAH! You have poor social skills! Now I can dislike you again!” can be just another way of picking on introverts, by the back door.
(That said, no, not all introverts have poor social skills. I don’t know what the ratio is. I know some introverts with *amazing *social skills. Mine used to be shit, but are better now. Still not great, though. And obviously, some extro(a)verts have poor social skills, too. Being oblivious to how people react to you is another way of not getting practice.)
And you say that there are different types of poor social skills, including people who contribute too much. Yes, but these are not treated equally by the world. Contributing too much is a heck of a lot more socially accepted than contributing too little.
Actually, come to think of it (and sorry about double posting), you’re absolutely right, too. When I tell people I’m an introvert, they are then later often surprised that I can be charming, funny and enjoy their company. “I thought you said you were an introvert!” Yeah, it’s really not the same thing.