I’m an introvert with a capitol I and dealing with more than 3 or 4 people at a time in an unstructured environment is like having the life sucked out of me.
I also have the added complication of Aspergers though so I probably don’t fit into the same mold as your typical introvert.
The best way I can contribute to a social situation is to absent myself. I don’t have anything to offer except making others uncomfortable with my presence. So your question doesn’t really apply to me personally.
Intellectually I can see your point. Practically, I can’t do small talk, even one-on-one. I have had it explained to me numerous times but the questions people suggest you ask to start a conversation seem horribly invasive and rude to me. I can’t imagine prying into someone’s personal life who I have just met. Do people really ask each other things like this without the other person saying “Mind your own business!”
Like most introverts I am happy leading groups, participating in meetings, teaching, etc. But put me in a room with other people and tell me to “mingle” and I will find an excuse to leave for all our sakes.
Really? Most introverts? I’d rather jump off a cliff than do those things, and I certainly chalk that up to being an introvert. I think you more accurately described most extroverts.
Do you have to be an introvert to relate to these? Because if you had to pin me into either extrovert or introvert (like most people, I’m a little bit of both), I’d say I’m in extrovert camp and I could relate to a lot of these. A lot of these just seem like fine examples of being human.
Yes. And they expect you to ask similar questions and be appear to be interested in that tedious, yet, personal, minutiae.
This is the ‘small talk’ you hear about. People can’t stop talking for five minutes, and don’t want to say anything substantial.
I’m not really sure it’s introversion, though. For instance some people are amazed at how easily I start chatting with complete strangers. Which isn’t what an introvert would do, I guess.
But I definitely have an almost vital need to be alone by myself a lot of time (if not most of the time).
I’m going to send a link to a friend of mine who spent some time at my place last week and is puzzled by my behaviour (In fact, she’s been puzzled by it for about 15 years, nothing new). She’s one of these people who can’t bear staying alone and won’t do anything alone (going out, take a walk, whatever). I like her very much, but her presence is always exhausting for me.
It can be. Again, being introverted is not the same as being shy (or having poor social skills, or disliking people). The main question is whether you are energized by being by yourself and lose energy by being around others (introversion) or energized by company and lose energy by being by yourself (extraversion).
How are you in groups? Introverts may well chat up perfect strangers one-on-one, but are less likely to dominate in a group full of them.
-“How are you?” I dislike this one because if you say anything other than “fine” “alright” or “great” here, you’ve basically broken social code because in truth nobody actually cares how you are when they ask this question.
-“What do you do?/What’s your major?” Better than the average question because this could possibly segue into real conversation, however literally everybody uses it so its value is lost. Also, people can use this to annoyingly “prove” how much they know about what you do or study.
-Something about the weather. Nobody cares to talk about the weather unless possibly you use it as a segue to talk about long term weather trends, past megablizzards, and interesting stuff like that.
-“Where are you from?” Especially awkward for the person who has moved as a child or a lot as there is no clear answer. Usually results in annoying stereotypes about the location you mention or a simple “oh I heard that place is nice.” Yeah, great.
A large amount of items on that list are invasive or awkward to me. I would not engage those questions with a stranger. My reaction to most would be “whoa, how the hell did you jump to THAT question. Why the heck do you WANT to know if I believe in true love? Uhhh ok I think I see a friend, uh, bye”
It’s entirely different if they start with answering the question themselves. So if they said “You know, what I miss about being a kid is having time for astronomy…”, I would welcome that far more as a conversation starter than a pointed question to me. Kind of an “I’ll tell you my name if you tell me yours. It’s only polite.”
This is why I like group settings where at least two people know each other. They can have a REAL conversation and everyone can pile on that as a starting point and branch off from there.
I’m a total introvert, but I like talking to people (people I like, which seems obvious to me but strangely, there are a lot of people who will be friends with people they can’t actually stand). I don’t like talking in big, loud groups (I know a lot of loud people, and I’m a quiet person) because I would feel like I was competing to get heard or something. If I’m at a large gathering, I prefer to talk to one or a small group of people. I don’t mind being in a large group for a certain amount of time, I just won’t talk much. I don’t think people usually think I’m being rude because when I do talk I’m very nice and friendly, but it does happen. An old boyfriend’s family kept asking why I was so quiet the first time I met them. Good way to get me to feel more comfortable joining in, assholes.
Ah! This one. Even worst in my case since I can be pretty talkative…when I’m upset, nervous, anxious. The more anxious I get the more I talk to the point of logorrhea. And the better I feel, the more silent and contemplative I become.
Which means that the better I feel, the more people ask me if I’m upset, and the worst I feel, the more they tell me how fine I seem to be. :smack:
I think we’re confusing introversion with shyness here. Most introverts don’t feel the drain of interacting with a group if they are “alone” in a role while with the group. If you are there in a role like teacher, technical consultant or speaker you aren’t really a part of the group and don’t feel drained like you would interacting as just yourself.
I’m not so much “drained by” as just “uninterested in” interacting with most people.
I don’t want to hear about their petty problems, their mundane concerns, or their absurd misunderstandings of the world.
Just simply not interested in most people as individuals (though as a species I find them fascinating).
I read this link last night and smiled. I’ve always been wary of the introvert/extrovert title. I think most people not only exist on a spectrum, they’re constantly sliding on that spectrum.
I get how there are people whose comfort zone exists on the extremities of introversion, which leads to comments like:
but really, I don’t think it’s fair to stake a claim on introversion and call others fake introverts based on motivation or circumstance.
I’ve heard a lot of different ways to explain what an introvert is. People who get anxious in groups. People who lose energy when in groups. People who lose energy/get anxious with strangers. People who prefer to listen than talk. etc. I think each has a valid point but there is no true end-all be-all paradigm of introversion.
You would have to be one hell of an outgoing person to not have any of the 27 listed (and more) examples resonate with you. You’d have to be one hell of a hermit to nod your head and agree with all 27. Hopefully everybody resides in a happy medium in between.
This is exactly why I don’t describe myself as an introvert to anyone I’m talking to. Doing so sets you up for all of the preconceived notions. It’s actually a form of prejudice, though most like to reserve that term for more bigoted ideas.
Agreed, a lot of the traits are just being human, but I think it’s the extreme examples which tend to get lumped in with either type, which then form generalizations (which IMO, is what this thread serves in debunking). People need to get away from mistaking an association with a defining attribute.
For example, I know some extroverted people who just don’t handle strangers well. Among their friends, watch out, as they’re the life of the party, but they’re selective and that’s where it stops. In other words, most people probably exist in grey area, while getting defined by others in relation to where they place themselves. Something like politics.
I suppose. But still, I certainly question any assumption that introverts are the ones typically drawn to being speakers or teachers, or to take charge in groups. I’m not saying introverts can’t or won’t do those things (I’ve seen many introverts in those settings, certainly teaching), I just think it’s more typical to for extraverts, and introverts are more likely to be drawn to more quiet and contemplative pursuits. I don’t think your “like most introverts” makes sense or holds up in practice.
I might dominate in a group, but I do find it tiring, and I’d rather be in a one-on-one situation. I definitely “lose energy by being around other people” Or rather, I feel more and more stressed as time pass, unless I can manage to isolate myself from time to time (as a previous poster mentioned, smoking is an excellent pretext) or I’m left alone (as another poster said, if I like you, I can be perfectly happy watching you eat your sandwich).
If it’s the definition of introversion, then I’m definitely an introvert.
Indeed. That was another reason why I doubted I could be called “introvert”. I’d have no issue adressing a group of people, but socializing with the exact same group would be tiring.
People usually react with surprise when I tell them I’m an introvert or I’m shy, because either my social skills are better than I think or I’m just really good at pretending to be outgoing. In fact, I would describe myself as significantly introverted, but I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone ask me why I’m so quiet.
I’m pretty good at one-on-one small talk with acquaintances or complete strangers (although I’m usually not the instigator, but I can and will be in the right circumstances) because I find that other people usually love talking about themselves and I can always think of more follow-up questions to what they’ve said. It’s funny how many times I’ve been told, “This was a really nice conversation!” when I literally have said nothing personal about myself and have just encouraged the other person to talk, and they haven’t noticed. On the other hand, a friend of mine once pointed out that I was easy to like but hard to get to know, so sometimes people do notice (and that might be why I pursued a deeper friendship with that friend – she’s pretty good at making sure our conversations are balanced).
The only times I really get quiet are when I’m in large groups of people who are aggressively talking over each other and I would have to fight to raise my voice to be heard (I just don’t have the energy to compete like that), or if I’m in a group of people where either everyone else knows each other well and they’re having a cliquish conversation that shuts outsiders out OR they’re all experts in a field I know nothing about and I wouldn’t know what to say or what to ask, anyway.
On top of being introverted, I also have social anxiety and tend to avoid situations where I would be a complete stranger in a crowd full of friends, but I have to admit that when I force myself to go to such events, I usually get along fine with people and end up having a good time. I just can’t seem to remember that lesson the next time such an occasion arises.
I am an introvert, but I can talk to almost anyone. I can make small talk, make friends, go to parties, etc. I’m good with people and good in social situations, I just get drained by it.
What I don’t have is the contempt a few of the introverts in this thread have for other people. I like people.
while I can be pretty quiet in some situations I can be fairly social in others. it depends on my mood and who I am with. I sometimes feel like I should socialize more, mostly out of fear people will think I’m intentionally being rude. but at the same time I know extroverts, and some are among the most self absorbed people you will ever meet who have little concern for what other people want or think. I don’t agree with the extrovert=better mentality because of this.
Yeah. I’m uncertain how much of my own personality is about introversion and how much is about other stuff. I can be *extremely * (heck, obsessively) interested in certain individuals, but the vast majority are just NPCs, and I’m bored stiff by them.
I try to remind myself that most small talk is really just phatic communication. Conveying information is not the point, it’s just about running fluff through the channel to make sure it stays open (for a lot of people, though, it does seem that the more noise and less signal, the better).
– she’s pretty good at making sure our conversations are balanced).