Oh, please, all this flattery could turn a guy’s head.
No, I shouldn’t be sarcastic. I appreciate the kind words. Although I do sort of wonder if the fact that I’m concealing my status makes it that much harder to overcome.
Is this what coming out of the closet feels like?
Ice skating in the afternoon was great fun. Something hit me during dinner, though. It was like half-formed thoughts just started stacking up on themselves and formed a logjam somewhere between my brain and my vocal cords. I’m not the life of the party type, but that’s the only time I’ve ever been so completely paralyzed.
I don’t think anyone is laughing. Your story really touched me, and I’m so sorry you’ve struggled with this for so long. I hope things turn around for you soon. It’s never too late.
See. These are the kinds of things that make me a bit anxious. I’ve done the deed, but only through a friend with benefits. Never had a girlfriend that I had procured myself. Lost my card 4 years ago when I was 22 and I’ve always just assumed that with that monkey off my back things would happen sooner or later.
Now, I’m very honestly happy not being in a relationship, though sooner or later I’m probably going to want to find someone. Hearing from people with extended dry spells is kind of heartbreaking, both from the point that I know the feeling and it’s horrible, and the fact that despite a social life (or lack of one) I’m content with at the moment, I see no reason I couldn’t be in the same situation in 20 years.
Thank you Renee. It’s not a fun place to be, but by this point, I really don’t see it changing.
And then I see something like the last line of Green Bean’s post:
I guess you’ve just disproved the notion that all elderly virgins are hideous losers with no social skills whatsoever.
and I realize that sometimes things really are as they seem. Welcome to my world.
One of the things for me is that it isnt sutch a big deal,
Part of me thinks if I realy wanted I would make it work, find help,
lower my standards, try to live up to theirs…etc…pay her…
maybe I’m bit A-sexual or something,
do A-sexuals masterbate daily?
A couple of general questions for the virgin/dry spell folks:
–If you do want to have sex, is it important to you that the experience be with someone with whom you are having a serious relationship? Or would you take a good opportunity if it came your way? Or “other.”
–Do you feel that your sex drive is lower than average?
I’ll bet it does.
When I’m considering sleeping with a new guy, the subject of sex naturally comes up in conversation. You know, exploring general attitudes, like and dislikes and so forth. If a guy were to be all squirrelly about the conversation, I’d inevitably conclude that there was something really off about him and/or that we were sexually incompatible and would stop seeing him. But if the guy just told me that he was a virgin…well, it would certainly be a huge red flag for a variety of reasons, but it wouldn’t necessarily be a dealbreaker.
Who knows? For some women it could be a turn-on.
Sorry that my comment made you feel worse. Your post touched me as well. I was just trying to pay a (lame) compliment to Robot Arm because I’ve met him. Frankly, knowing he’s a virgin definitely changes a lot of my assumptions.
I don’t have hard-and-fast[sup]*[/sup] rules; at least, not to those specific questions. I don’t want pity. It’s supposed to be fun, right? So I don’t want someone who’s just in it for the money.
The evidence suggests that it is, although I don’t have the faintest idea what the average sex drive feels like.
I think this is getting to the issue, in my case, at least. You say it “naturually comes up in conversation”, or “a good opportunity if it came your way”. That just sounds remarkably passive, as if those things just happen. In your case, they probably do. It’s not as if I have those conversations and then everything turns sour, it’s that the subject just doesn’t come up.
I heard a bit of an interview on NPR recently. I don’t remember the show or the exact subject, but the guest was talking about social behavior observed in children. He said that those who are most subject to peer pressure are also the ones who are most adept at social cues and form the sort of networks that are necessary later. For all its pitfalls, there are benefits to feeling connected to people and sharing the way they think. Maybe I’m just too much of a contrarian. And that doesn’t mean that I dislike people, or think they’re wrong. I just get the most interesting ideas when I look for things that are different.
If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that everything is a turn-on for someone. However, this is not how I go around introducing myself. By the time they find this out about me, they’ve probably already formed whatever impression they have of me.
For that matter, I’m not sure how many of my friends know. It’s not exactly a secret that my romantic life has been somewhat frustrating, but only one person I know has ever asked if I’m a virgin. The others either don’t suspect, don’t want to know, or figured it out for themselves.
While I’m not a master of getting laid, I am pretty consistent about it and I have an issue with something:
This is a larger problem than you may think. It’s also a problem easily fixed by you. If a relationship is going to become sexual, it’s probably going to happen sooner rather than later and it’s because you “implant” the idea of being a sexual being in the other person’s mind.
If you get Friend Zoned, you’re not a sexual person to her anymore. Guys that display their sexuality, either blatantly or more subtley do not usually get Friend Zoned. In my experience. It still requires follow-through and all sorts of other shit, but displaying your sexuality in some form or another is an important building block.
That’s great in theory, but I’m not sure exactly what it means in practice. Do I put on a John Deere hat, stuff a couple socks down the front of my pants, and spray myself with Axe?
Never mind. I think I’m just being contrarian again.
No, those things don’t just happen, even to a stone fox like me.* People don’t just say, “It’s time to talk about sex now.” If both parties are amenable to the conversation, then both are subtly trying to steer it there, or will at least accept the other person’s attempts to make it go there.
Look, did you ever see* Hitch*? In it, Hitch explains something important to Albert. When you take a girl home from a first date, and she stands at the door and plays with her keys, she wants a kiss. If she just turns, unlocks the door, says goodnight, and walks in, she doesn’t. Now lets apply that to talking about sex.
When you’re talking to a woman and she says something flirtatious or sexy, do you respond in kind? Do you say flirtatious things and see how she responds? That’s how sex eventually comes up! And that’s how opportunities to have sex “come your way.”
I phrased it that way in order to elide the matter of how one might choose to pursue things, not because I meant that opportunities just come along with no effort on the parts of both parties.
Hmmm…do I detect a defeatest attitude? See CiB’s post. The best way to stay out of the Friend Zone is to send strong sexual signals sooner than later. And no John Deere hat is required. It’s all in conversation and body language and all that.
And you know what? Even if you’re a total dork about how you express interest in a woman, you’ll have much much better results than someone who doesn’t even try. See Hitch for a case in point.
I specifically left out examples because I didn’t want my post to get boring. Being a contrarian is not a bad thing, if you know when to turn it on and off. If someone is trying to help or teach you, try to at least lower the amount of contrarianism you put out.
Example: Bring up the subject! Duh.
How? I actually have no specific examples that don’t have a ton of previous qualifiers. The girl I’m seeing now, during our very first conversation, I mentioned that it must be tiring for her to always be meeting guys that only want one specific thing. Then I say that it’s not like I don’t like sex, it’s just not the end all be all lots of guys make it out to be.
And bam, sex is now our current subject, but it wasn’t our first topic.
The whole conversation, paraphrased, went as follows:
Her: I dated a guy named Andrew in high school.
Me: I hope he wasn’t an asshole who was after only one thing and already ruined my chances of dating you.
Her: He kind of was.
Me: Well I hope you still are willing to give me a chance, because I’m not like that.
Her: Ok good.
Me: But don’t think that doesn’t mean I don’t like sex though.
That’s funny. For this specific girl though, she seems like she wouldn’t have taken too kindly to such a joke. Plus, it’s not like I could just sit around and think of a more humorous or playful thing to say.
As a girl, I have the opposite problem of the guys in the Friend Zone - all the guys consider me the reliable chick who they can talk to about their girlfriends! I’m the girl who will always be there for you, but is never dating material.
I was diagnosed with social anxiety when I was 9. I had full blown panic attacks when confronted with social situations. I have plenty of friends now, but I’m still an introvert who needs to recharge her social batteries a lot and can be really awkward in social situations. Oh, and I’m fat. So quiet fat chick who trips over her tongue isn’t exactly sexy time material for most guys.
But I haven’t quite resigned myself to old virgin cat lady yet, I just turned 23.
I would prefer it to be a part of a normal, at least somewhat serious, relationship. Or rather, I would like to have both of those things, not just sex by itself. Not to say that I would turn down the opportunity if it did come my way, but as Robot Arm said, those opportunities don’t just happen. To further complicate matters, I am generally uncomfortable with strangers and I fear a one-night stand scenario would end up being tense, awkward, and unenjoyable.
I don’t believe I have a below average sex drive. At least, I would enthusiastically engage in the activity with a willing partner just about every day if given the chance
As to the advice already given, I have read most of these types of threads in the past and I have learned quite a bit, but there is a limit to how helpful it can be, through no fault of those giving it. The statements that are general enough to apply to most situations, while completely accurate, are too vague to be useful in a specific encounter. And specific examples, while illustrative of the point being made, don’t really demonstrate how one knows what to say and what not to say in other situations with a different set of variables.
Now like I said, I have a better understanding of some things than I used to. Maybe I’m alone in this, but I sometimes feel a bit uncomfortable about using the things I’ve learned. To someone who naturally understands people, I’m sure it feels, well, natural. But I have to put so much thought into it that it starts to feel coldly calculating and kind of manipulative. Like I’m working a computer program where if I use the proper inputs, the woman will output the desired response. The analogy above about learning to play the piano is a good one, except I’m trying to “play” people instead.
I’d like to believe that just being myself would be enough, but that is obviously not the case.
I was about to say ‘not in the slightest, the hell you talkin’ about?’, but after reading what Diz said I’m not so sure. If it “came up” I would definitely jump at the chance, but I wouldn’t want to spend the whole night trying to pretend to be someone else so that she doesn’t figure out I’m Dorkimus Prime. Actually thinking about this with my pants on, I’d say that if there was someone who’d put up with my tics and charming personality and wanted to do me, she’d hafta be a pretty special lady. Like I said, I wouldn’t turn down anybody unless it was a threat to my health or safety, but I can’t see myself pursuing somebody I couldn’t have a conversation with. (and there’s a hell of a lot of people I can’t have conversations with. I got the awkward silences and hasty goodbyes to prove it.)
Very much no. Like that guy from the Onion, I’m getting pretty good at masturbating. I don’t think it’s that the interest isn’t high enough or there’s a physical problem for any of the guys here, but rather that sex necessitates talking to and being open with someone and more’n likely getting rejected.
I am feeling a lot more upbeat reading the encouragement. Spending the last two years at the University of Casual Sex and Cannabis, I kinda got the message that anyone who still had their V-card at 18 might as well give up. If that’s what everyone’s telling you, it kinda becomes self-fulfilling; I really did nothing, in any sort of social situation, with anybody, for the entirety of sophomore year. Just went from my room to class back to my room.
Why don’t you just go to cooking classes (well find whatever activity you have an interest in) and go to meet people. The more new people you meet, the more likely you’ll meet someone you like, and the more likely you’ll meet someone that likes you. I’ve met all my boyfriends through friends. Meeting new people → making new friends → hanging out with new groups of people → possibly meeting new girls. You don’t have to go to these activities and hit on chicks, just make conversation, make friends. With men and with women. Cause say you make friends with a dude in whatever activity or class. He’s got a group of friends both male and female. He invites you out with his group, hey new women and new men who know other new women. I don’t know many people who just randomly went up to someone, hit on them, and then they ended up in a relationship. Usually there is some mutual force at work - a friend in common, meet at work or school, etc. Not some random person in a bar you just think is hot. Instead of having the main goal be “find someone to date” have it be “meet new people.” Takes pressure off and cuts down on the nervousness or weirdness. You gotta watch out for the friend zone thing but you can control that to a point.
I missed these questions the first time through; sorry 'bout that. I do want to be careful how I answer, though. It would be very easy to sound like I’m discouraged and resigned about the whole thing, and I’m really not.
I can’t remember the last time a woman said anything flirtatious or sexy to me. Maybe they do it all the time and I don’t notice, but it doesn’t seem to happen.
I try to, sometimes here on the board. Usually there’s no response at all.
Welcome to my world.
