That’s a funny thing to say about the city that Men’s Fitness Magazine called the fittest city in the country.
Don’t blame Seattle if you can’t find any women. All you have to do is go to Green Lake and you’ll see fit joggers everywhere.
I wasn’t sure why this topic is so fascinating to me, but I think I got it. I think it’s because if I was a man, I could see myself having a really hard time getting dates/sex too, because I’m just not that social or in some ways assertive. But I’m a woman, so I can just stand back and wait, which is what I do for the most part, and I lost my virginity at 16/17.
But I always have to push myself to socialize, whether it’s with romantic interests or just friends. It doesn’t come effortlessly to me. And every single man I date complains that I don’t act like I like him and stuff like that. I just can’t do it. I hate romance and it makes me extremely uncomfortable. So while I’ve dated a lot of men, I can still imagine being in this place. It’s hard to put yourself out there. I hate the initial stage of getting to know someone and I want to just skip to the comfortable phase.
But it really does get a bit easier with experience. Some of you are saying the topic just doesn’t naturally come up. Well, if the other person is receptive, you’d be surprised how easily it does come up if you just give it a little subtle push. Just gently steer the conversation toward dating/relationships/sex. Like a conversation I had with a guy at work I had just met and we were just making small talk. I had no idea whether or not he was interested; I couldn’t tell. Well, we were talking about what we had done the previous weekend and he had a couple times mentioned hanging out with his friends and their girlfriends. If I wasn’t at all interested I would have just let that go. Because I was potentially interested, I said something like, “Oh? You seem to spend a lot of time with your friends and their girlfriends.” It turned out he was interested so he jumped on that opportunity and mentioned he was single and it went from there. It may seem the conversation just naturally went in that direction, but it didn’t–we were both subtly steering it there. But if either of us hadn’t been interested, it would have just fizzled out without awkwardness or direct rejection or anything.
Various reasons, one of which being I just don’t get crushes easily. I can’t think of a girl sexually until I’ve known her for a good few months, and when I get crushes I get them full force and for a long time. I’m 19 (almost 20) and I can count the number of crushes/people I’ve felt attracted to on one hand. I also suck at picking up social cues… or scratch that, I’m excellent at it but I’m a PRO at convincing myself they mean absolutely nothing. This goes for friendships as well as dating, it then goes into a massive downward spiral where I think about the conversation logically, realize then that they probably wanted my to hang out/talk or whatever. That then causes me to think they hate me and are mad, so then I try to avoid them which I then realize weeks later probably made them feel bad if they weren’t before already and… well…
I’m always on the outside circle of friends too, I’m an interesting diversion for 20 or 30 minutes or during class, but I never get invited anywhere or any IM info or phone numbers or anything. In addition, as an extension of my long crush cycle I’m really only interested in long term relationships which at this age just doesn’t fly well. I also tend to feel guilty for thinking of the people I have crushes on that way, I try to hide it because I know that being not very social they deserve someone better than me.
I wouldn’t say I have an abnormally low sex drive, not that I’d know, it’s just focused differently.
I’ve pretty much just accepted being perpetually single.
Edit: And yeah, I have social anxiety. It’s so bad I’ve had three psychologists over the years give up on me for being hopeless.
You would think that reading this would make me feel better about my relatively short dry spell. But it doesn’t.
On the other hand, at least that’s a lot healthier then a fly-by night “romance”
So before getting into the questions I’ll just buzz through my life in 2 seconds. 23, never had sex (god I hate saying/typing the “v” word). For me it’s really simple enough: I never wanted to til I hit college, then early freshman year I met a girl who was strict wait 'til marriage. We graduate, she says “I’m leaving you”, and I’m left with…this.
[quote=“Green_Bean, post:26, topic:513637”]
A couple of general questions for the virgin/dry spell folks:
–If you do want to have sex, is it important to you that the experience be with someone with whom you are having a serious relationship? Or would you take a good opportunity if it came your way? Or “other.”
This is hard to answer. At the time of first relationship I wanted to wait a while, but not the whole way. I would say I was ready after about a year because that was when I was very very much in love with her. I say even if we do break up I did it with someone I loved (much less the first time). I fear in my current relationship (another wait 'til marriage girl…whoda thunk?) I might insist on it a lot earlier, and fear I might “turn her”. If it was with someone who would be willing right off the bat, unfortunately I probably would WAY sooner than I want. But the hope is that I would wait a year or two.
–Do you feel that your sex drive is lower than average?
Unfortunately no. Although I am pretty content with doing everything else.
There’s probably nothing I can say to cheer you up, is there?
Holy crap, GESancMan, you sound almost exactly like me, personality-wise, and partly situation-wise.
I’m 43, and the last time I had sex I was 29. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20, and didn’t have sex with the same woman more than 2-3 times mainly because the relationships turned out to be “short term”. Basically, the sex was with girls I dated a few times and sex happened.
When I was 23 I started dating a 17-year-old coworker (She asked me out the first time, and it went from there. And before anybody asks, 16 is the age of consent in my state.) She was beautiful and mature, incredibly intelligent, and had a wonderful personality. She became the only “long-term” girlfriend I’ve ever had; that is, we dated for 18 months. She was a virgin when we started going out and we didn’t have sex until we’d been together for 3 or 4 months. She turned out to be very enthusiastic about sex, and willing to try just about anything once, and we had sex at nearly every opportunity. She eventually broke it off, for two primary reasons: 1) I was turning into a major drunk — if I wasn’t with her then I was out drinking, and I frequently turned up for our dates with good buzz going; and 2) I was young and stupid; I got complacent and, frankly, I took her for granted. She wanted to get married and so did I, but I wouldn’t commit to anything, and came up with plenty of excuses for putting it off, mainly revolving around the fact that I wasn’t making much money at the time (even though she didn’t care about that). She finally had enough and ended it.
Her leaving practically killed me, mainly because I realized I’d screwed up the best thing I’d ever had, and my drinking got worse and worse, to the point where I was drinking a minimum of a half-case of beer every single night. Over the next six years I had the occasional one-night-stand with women I’d meet in bars, but that was it. I somehow had the presence of mind to realize how messed up I was with all the drinking and made a conscious choice to not attempt to start a serious relationship. I didn’t want to inflict myself and my issues on somebody else. I got a DUI when I was 26, and that stopped me driving, but didn’t stop me drinking (it was only a 90-day license suspension, but I wasn’t interested in stopping drinking or getting treatement, so I just decided to more-or-less permanently give up driving). Then, when I was 28, I found myself in a being-stupid situation that ended with six cops pointing their guns at me. No charges ended up being filed, but the situation was enough for me to say “Enough of this shit!”, and I stopped drinking, cold turkey.
The last girl I ever had sex with was a young lady I’d known way back when I was 21. She was 10 or so when I was 21, and I became aware at that time that she had a little-girl crush on me (which, of course, I did everything in my power to discourage). By the time I was 22 I had relocated and didn’t see her for several years. But I happened to bump into her on the city bus one day when I was 29. She remembered me, and informed me that she was 18 now. One thing led to another, and, well, we did the deed. We kept it up for a couple weeks, and then she drifted away without really saying anything. I suppose she had just been looking to satisfy her crush from way back when, and our hookup either got it out of her system or seriously disappointed her, and she moved on.
Unfortunately, quitting drinking wasn’t the end of my troubles. During my drinking years I pretty much neglected all of my financial obligations. I’d always paid my rent and my electric bill, but the rest of my money was spent on beer and cigarettes (didn’t have to spend much on groceries - then, as now, I was a professional cook and did most of my eating on the job). A couple months before my 30th birthday, all those debts I’d neglected caught up with me, and I found a large chunk of my pay being garnished. That left me in a situation where, one month, I had enough money to pay either the rent or the electric bill, but not both. Since one was really no good without the other, I elected to pay neither. I moved out of my apartment at the end of the last month I’d paid rent on, and into the local men’s homeless shelter.
I lived at the shelter for the next eight years, a living situation that obviously does not lend itself to getting laid. I didn’t even bother trying to get into a relationship during that time, because I knew at some point in a relationship I’d have to mention where I lived, and I could imagine how that would go over 
I did, however, manage to settle most of my financial obligations while I lived there, and I moved out of that place a little over five years ago.
And so, between several years of avoiding romantic relationships while I was a drunk, and eight years living in the shelter, I basically lost what little skill I had at chatting up the opposite sex. Another problem is that the physical attraction aspect is, for me, stuck in pre-age-30 mode, as all my relationships back then had been with women my age or younger. I still find the same physical characteristics attractive — characteristics that just aren’t common in the women-over-40 crowd. And when I do see an over-40 woman who is physically attractive to me, she turns out to be married, and I’m not going there. Even most of the attractive 30-something women I meet are married. So I’m in the sad situation where I can’t find any “age appropriate” women who appeal to me, and I’m clever enough to realize that there are few 20-something women who are interested in being hit on by an over-40 dude.
So I’ve pretty much resigned myself to celibacy. But it’s okay; I’ve got the Internet and World of Warcraft 
It’s been a couple of years for me, and a little longer than that since anything other than a quite drunken mistake with a friend. What’s frustrating about it is that I’ve spent more than two-thirds of that time in a relationship (well, series of things that were actually relationships, but only one of which was actually an official “relationship”). A combination of girls who I wasn’t with long enough to really want to sleep with (I’m not religious, but still lean kind of conservative in my attitudes toward sex) and one who was (is, actually) a virgin and was extremely shy and slow-moving about the whole thing. Which is fine, of course, and I’m naturally not going to push her, but it does frustrate me. I’m back together with the last one right now, and while I’m still happy to wait, I’m not holding my breath. Honestly, if I simply wanted to have sex, I wouldn’t be with her right now. So I’m probably putting sex on hold for a minimum of a year right now, and I think I’m OK with that.
I notice another potential parallel in myself with regard to many of the other posters in this thread, and that’s alcohol. My family history suggests a tendency toward alcoholism, and I can see the potential in myself- I really enjoy a getting a buzz in the evenings. So much, in fact, that I have tried to limit myself in the last couple years to no more than one night a week in which I get actually drunk, and no more than two when I have a beer after work. It’s not much at all for a college student, so I’m not worried about my consumption right now, but I do see the potential in myself for alcohol to become a problem.
One thing I like about the girl I’m with now is that I don’t drink around her. Not that I never have, because I do- her family is quite French and she enjoys wine with dinner. And not that she cares, because I’ve been quite drunk around her and she’s thought it was more funny than anything. But simply that it never occurs to me to drink when I’m around her, and I think that’s a healthy place for me to be.
THIS.
When I first started really dating women I was frustrated because I was turned down a lot. Of course at the time I was basically waving a huge sign that said “guy with baggage that wants someone to whine at”. I started shifting my tactics, dating online simply to meet people. I expanded my horizons, because even if the date went awful it always made for a great story for my friends later. Pretty quickly on I was getting exactly what I wanted all along.
Some guys also just need to really working on finding that fine line between ‘creepy’ and ‘clueless’. That, and I honestly think people make a lot of excuses for their status. To me, someone saying they are ‘just really picky/don’t fall for people easily/people don’t get me’ is just doublespeak for someone who is lazy and either too shy or not motivated enough to shrug off the ego bruises it takes to meet someone that really works for you.
Also, I think it would help some people to find something (preferrably active) they can do that puts them in mixed company. Its easy to get sequestered in this ‘comfort bubble’ where you never have to be in an awkward situation, but when you are in that position you never really grow as a person.
Nothing that I can think of.
FWIW, I last bought condoms in the spring of 2008 and was checking them this weekend and they’re good until 2012. Trojan extra thin, if it matters.
Heat and humidity, like keeping it in a wallet, will make them break down much quicker.
I don’t want to grow as a person. I’m a terrible waste of flesh and to grow I have to subject other decent human beings to myself. I’m more liable to make the entire room miserable than become better. Honestly, I’ve been asked out once or twice and I’ve declined and told them to leave me alone forever because they clearly had no concept of what a terrible human being they were speaking with and I would fear for their mental stability if they were to hang out with me. Right now I’ve decided to get off my ass, stop making people miserable, and alienate all my relationships as subtly as possible. It’s surprisingly easy, a glare here, an “accidental” incident of ignoring someone saying hi to you there and nobody wants anything to do with you.
There, I feel better now that I’ve said the real reason. And because people have accused me of this in the past when I post my real feelings:
No, I’m not being sarcastic, condescending, or making fun of this poster’s ideas in any way.
Good point.
Well, I’ll take a stab at it, anyway. There’s still a lot to to in the world; songs to write, mountains to climb, that sort of thing. I’ve had great times, I have friends who’ll remember me when I’m gone, and I’m not dead yet. This is not the sole measure of who we are.
Oh jeesh…
I’m sorry everyone… sigh again. I’m having violent mood swings again, one hour I feel like this and the next I feel perfectly fine and remember that I just did stuff with people er… yesterday. I really wish I could get over this, it’s really getting annoying now but my brain doesn’t seem to be listening to itself.
Really, really sorry.
That’s not healthy you know. It also hints at bipolar disorder.
But then again, I’m not a doctor in the least nor do I play one on TV, the internet or on the radio. Much salt is to be taken with the preceding statements about your mental health.
Like I said in my earlier post, I’m so mentally fucked up I’ve had three psychologists give up on me, like, “you’ll never be a functioning member of society, sucks to be you” gave up. Psychiatrists haven’t fared much better and most medicine just makes my depression/general anxiety/social anxiety (depending on whichever train of logic that particular doctor hopped on) worse, or makes one thing better and something else many orders of magnitude worse.
Yes I remember reading that post, but never associated a particular name with it. In that case, I give up too I guess. 