On (maybe) bowing out gracefully... (long)

The NinjaChick has once again, gotten herself confused.

I made either a great mistake or a very wise choice about six months or so ago, by finally acting on my crush on C. C, who happens to be an instructor at my TKD school. Part of why it took me quite a while (two months, perhaps?) of infatuation before making an attempt to give him the proper signals was this relationship: Even though we’re both black belts, he’s far more advanced than I am (3rd dan to my 1st), thus, it’s still a clearly defined instructor-student relationship. Not a situation that is conducive to flirting, I must say.

Most of my (non-martial-artist) friends didn’t see this obstacle, because they aren’t martial artists. They saw obstacles in race, in age, and in him not having graduated high school. I did see these as potential stumbling blocks, but not as definite relationship-preventers, nor did he. We both saw the Major Issue that of being able to keep our relationship in the school the way it should be. It’s a big issue for the both of us, as we both take our training seriously.

For the most part, we’ve been able to do so. There have been a few ‘incidents’, of course: C alluded to a private joke while teaching a class and I had to excuse myself to be able to stop laughing, there have been enough times when I catch myself being on first-name basis in uniform, and so on. No big issues there. Thus, for the past six months or thereabout, we’ve basically been laughing at the skeptics. It’s been an issue of some (read: huge) weight with my parents: they trust him as an instructor, but aren’t so fond of him being more than that with me. It was a serious point for a rather rocky bit, but we got that worked out (mostly).

And now, for some reason, things are souring, and I’m finding myself wondering if this was ever a good idea. We’re still ‘together’, but we’re both finding ourselves not as ‘into it’ as before. It’s not a physical thing, which I think might be part of the issue: to make a long story short, I have serious emotional baggage that makes physical relationshps awkward. Unless I’m in a certain mindset, I tend to shy away from physical contact, and I just don’t feel much desire for much more than light ‘making out’. He’s been very understanding and respectful of this, but I can’t shake the feeling that C wants more, and I know a relationship can’t be based on cuddling alone. There have been more little issues during classes, and things simply aren’t as pleasant. By no means is anything unpleasant, but I can’t shake the fear of us just going downhill.

This is the first serious (meaning longer than a month and a half) relationship I’ve been in. C, on the other hand, was about two months out of a 5-month, relatively serious relationship when we got together. He’s older, he’s much more experienced, and I think I’m becoming more self-conscious again. When we first got together, I was horribly so, because I was afraid that the slightest not-perfect thing would end it. I finally relaxed after a bit, but I’m starting to stress over it again - basically, I’m afraid that our relationship will end up trashing itself, we’ll have an ugly breakup, and things will be horribly awkward at our school, because contact would be unavoidable.

Which (finally!) brings me to my question: should I just end it now? It would keep the aforementioned awkward situation from occuring, and it would keep just about everyone from saying “I told you he would break your heart” to me, which would not be what I would need. On the other hand, I don’t know if this is just a little ‘bump’ in this, and I would hate to end something and then regret it, because that would also be awkward. Again, this is the first time I’ve been in anything this serious, and I desperately need some sort of guidance here.

Thoughts?

Maybe you should talk to him about this? (scary, I know, but probably the best place to start.)

I don’t know- what are your ages, out of curiosity? First and foremost, if I were you, I would get some counseling and work on why your physical relationships are so strained. I would tell him that you’re doing this (for you) and working on the issue, because whether you stay with him or not, it needs to be addressed. (If you’re underage for sex or wanting to stay a virgin or somesuch, ignore that, but if you’re a sexually mature adult and cannot be intimate with your partner, it’s a serious problem now and for the future)

Best of luck to you, but all I can advise is don’t stay together for any reasons except that you love, trust, and respect one another. What other people thing, your school atmosphere, etc are completely secondary to doing what’s best for both of you.

Ok, firstly, my SO was one of my Hap Ki Do instructors. He’s professional. I’m professional. We don’t mess around at the dojo, end of discussion.

This part has confused me.

However, I agree with Zette - while I don’t necessarily think you have to be hoping into the sac, I’m assuming you’re an adult. If you’ve made some sort of vow to chastity for religious or spirtual reasons, great. However, it sounds more like you would like to be intimate, but have a psychological barrier to that.

Listen - deal with that barrier now. It will NOT get better as you get older - it will compound itself. Do this for yourself - not for your man. Regardless of his “needs,” your needs are just as important.

Can a relationship weather this sort of problem? Sure - I’m friends with a couple that were not intimate for the first 5 years of their relationship because of a rape the woman had suffered. She got counselling, healed and now they are happily married. In fact, it’s this couple that inspired me to become a counselor (which I’m currently going to school to become.)

Take care of yourself.

To clarify a few points: I’m 16 (will be 17 in a month), he’s 21.

I do know the basic root of this ‘barrier’, had a little bit of counseling about a year ago, and basically gave up, because at that point, I wasn’t ready to deal with it. It’s not something I particularly want to deal with. I’ve talked about it with him a bit, and at this point, he also knows the basic reason for it. He, again, respects it, but probably wants a little more, and I don’t blame him.

alice: We don’t fool around at the school, really. Occasionally, there’s a slight ‘breach of decorum’, but that’s not really an issue. The big deal to me is that if this turns bad, I know I would end up feeling awkward around him.

twickster: I know I should talk to him, and plan to, sometime in the near future. As you said, though, it’s scary. I’m terrified that I’ll end up screwing this up. As cliched as it sounds, this is the first time I’ve felt like this about someone, and I can’t imagine what I’d do if I somehow screwed it up. It’s either just fear of this ending unpleasantly (or maybe just ending), or teenage angst on my part, or both. That then gets me afraid that it is just teenage angst, and if I mention it, he’ll think I’m being immature - which I know is utterly baseless, but still…

I have no real answers for you. I’ve thought about this a lot since I first read your post earlier tonight. I have sent you an email instead of posting it all here.

Ugh. I wish I had more answers, but step 1 is definately getting serious help with the intimacy issue. It’s going to be a barrier no matter what relationship you’re in, now or in the future.

Says who? I’m not saying you have to be a virgin until you get married, but why the rush? My girfriend (later fiance, later wife) and I cuddled and kissed for something like 8 months before anything else happened. It was nice to know that we enjoyed each other’s company WITHOUT sex.

Barry

well, since no one else has waded in with overtly psychological analysis here, i guess i’ll be the parlor shrink du jour.

first off, add another check in the column for “get your inhibitions worked on”. this is, as others pointed out, NOT a roundabout way of saying “oh, just jump in the sack already!” there’s absolutely nothing wrong with waiting before you cross that sexual frontier. it didn’t kill others of us to wait a couple decades before finally doing the deed. and frankly, teen hormones to the contrary, i think it’s much better, indeed “safer” for you mentally to get past the teen years without adding sex to the devil’s brew of adolescence. IMHO, the more time and emotional maturity you can garner before that particular element goes upsetting the emotional applecart, the less devastating the effects will be if things Don’t Work Out.

and quite frankly, given your respective ages, my money would be plunked quite solidly on the “Isn’t Going To Last” side of the ledger. before you draw yourself up in indignation to tell me how Terribly Wrong i am and how Truly Mature and In Love the two of you are, let me give you my analysis, based on what you’ve told us:

you’re 16. you’ve already had some manner of happening in your past that makes physical intimacy seem inherently scary and off-putting. Quote: “This is the first serious (meaning longer than a month and a half) relationship I’ve been in.”

basically, you’re still in the learning phase of how to do the boy-girl thing. this is the farthest down the road you’ve yet to venture, and entering unknown territory is giving you the jitters. you have no experience in longer-term relationships, and at some level, you’re pulling back, perhaps fearful of continuing to explore the unknown. what’s in your past may or may not have some bearing on this. but basically, you’ve skated to the end of the “he LIKES me” phase, to confront the part where infatuation fades and the actual work of being a couple begins to crop up. and since you haven’t much experience with this phase of togetherness, it looks scary, and hard, and possibly painful. perhaps, you think, it’s better to bail now, before i get in too deeply.

i know there are as many arguments for “oh, my First Love is now my spouse and we live happily ever after” as there are broken teenage romances littering the landscape of schools and neighborhoods worldwide. and i’m not necessarily saying that you’re right (OR wrong) in questioning the general wisdom of the two of you being together. what i’m saying is, whether you know it or not, you seem as though you’re still in the “training wheels” phase of being with someone. everyone has to learn how to do it, and most of us do not escape without an assortment of cuts and bruises during the process. dumping someone because it MIGHT not work out and you MIGHT get hurt sounds like avoidance behavior.

since i can’t look into the heart or head of either you or your boyfriend, i can’t see exactly how deeply you may be committed to each other. but given the amount of work you need to do just with yourself, i tend to think you are being a bit premature in trying to form a lasting partnership with someone else just yet.

I sort of feel like whether they’re going to be together forever or not is pretty irrelevant to this discussion. She’s not choosing between breaking up with him and marrying him.

MHO is that you should give it your best try. Talk to him about your feelings, seek therapy for your issues if you want to (I’m another one who doesn’t think that you should necessarily be having sex, butI think you should be choosing not to have sex for the right reasons rather than from fear).

I don’t know much about the Martial Arts authority environment, but as long as he’s not your direct superior (as in you answer to him for advancement etc.) it’s okay by me.

Okay, here’s my bit of psychoanalysis: It sounds like you’re super-ready to give up. Could this be another facet of your intimacy issues? Could you not want to work on it because you think you’ll fail or because you don’t feel you’re good enough to do it or whatever? Examine closely why you feel the way you do.