The NinjaChick has once again, gotten herself confused.
I made either a great mistake or a very wise choice about six months or so ago, by finally acting on my crush on C. C, who happens to be an instructor at my TKD school. Part of why it took me quite a while (two months, perhaps?) of infatuation before making an attempt to give him the proper signals was this relationship: Even though we’re both black belts, he’s far more advanced than I am (3rd dan to my 1st), thus, it’s still a clearly defined instructor-student relationship. Not a situation that is conducive to flirting, I must say.
Most of my (non-martial-artist) friends didn’t see this obstacle, because they aren’t martial artists. They saw obstacles in race, in age, and in him not having graduated high school. I did see these as potential stumbling blocks, but not as definite relationship-preventers, nor did he. We both saw the Major Issue that of being able to keep our relationship in the school the way it should be. It’s a big issue for the both of us, as we both take our training seriously.
For the most part, we’ve been able to do so. There have been a few ‘incidents’, of course: C alluded to a private joke while teaching a class and I had to excuse myself to be able to stop laughing, there have been enough times when I catch myself being on first-name basis in uniform, and so on. No big issues there. Thus, for the past six months or thereabout, we’ve basically been laughing at the skeptics. It’s been an issue of some (read: huge) weight with my parents: they trust him as an instructor, but aren’t so fond of him being more than that with me. It was a serious point for a rather rocky bit, but we got that worked out (mostly).
And now, for some reason, things are souring, and I’m finding myself wondering if this was ever a good idea. We’re still ‘together’, but we’re both finding ourselves not as ‘into it’ as before. It’s not a physical thing, which I think might be part of the issue: to make a long story short, I have serious emotional baggage that makes physical relationshps awkward. Unless I’m in a certain mindset, I tend to shy away from physical contact, and I just don’t feel much desire for much more than light ‘making out’. He’s been very understanding and respectful of this, but I can’t shake the feeling that C wants more, and I know a relationship can’t be based on cuddling alone. There have been more little issues during classes, and things simply aren’t as pleasant. By no means is anything unpleasant, but I can’t shake the fear of us just going downhill.
This is the first serious (meaning longer than a month and a half) relationship I’ve been in. C, on the other hand, was about two months out of a 5-month, relatively serious relationship when we got together. He’s older, he’s much more experienced, and I think I’m becoming more self-conscious again. When we first got together, I was horribly so, because I was afraid that the slightest not-perfect thing would end it. I finally relaxed after a bit, but I’m starting to stress over it again - basically, I’m afraid that our relationship will end up trashing itself, we’ll have an ugly breakup, and things will be horribly awkward at our school, because contact would be unavoidable.
Which (finally!) brings me to my question: should I just end it now? It would keep the aforementioned awkward situation from occuring, and it would keep just about everyone from saying “I told you he would break your heart” to me, which would not be what I would need. On the other hand, I don’t know if this is just a little ‘bump’ in this, and I would hate to end something and then regret it, because that would also be awkward. Again, this is the first time I’ve been in anything this serious, and I desperately need some sort of guidance here.
Thoughts?