Relationship advice- should I give this guy a chance?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Long story short, a friend of mine just broke up with his girlfriend of 1 year. By all accounts it was a Bad Relationship- jealousy, constant fighting, cheating, manipulation, etc. His ex is a bit crazy, and the break up did not go well.

I just found out that he has a major crush on me, and has had it for a while. I don’t know him very well, he’s only been in town for a year, and only hanging out with me and my friends for a few months. But, talking to him recently I discovered a few things that make him more intriguing- for instance, every language I am either studying or want to study, he wants to study too. Multilingualism is a huge turn-on for me. Other than that, he’s pretty cute, fun to hang out with, and shares a lot of my interests.*

I’d like to get to know him better. At this point in my life, though, I think a casual dating sort of ‘relationship’ would better suit me than something serious. I’ve done the dating thing once or twice before, enjoyed the freedom and no-strings-attached attitude, and with everything I’ve got going on now (finishing my BA and applying for grad school) it would be much less stressful.

There’s a few problems, though. First, he just got out of this crazy relationship. Like I said, I’d like to keep it casual because we don’t know each other so well, but it still gives me pause. Plus, he’s 20 and I’m 25. Not necessarily a huge deal, but I’m not sure we’re on the same level maturity-wise, which could make it a huge deal. Then there’s the fact that he’s got a huge crush on me, whereas I’m just interested in getting to know him better. That, combined with the age difference and recent break up, makes me worry I’ll end up breaking his heart.

What should I do? No matter what, if I do decide to get involved I’ll be taking it very slow. I told his best friend the other night that, if I should come up in conversation, to mention that I’d like to spend some time getting to know him. Basically let him know I’m interested, but not ready to be swept off my feet, i.e. take me out to a movie, hint, hint.** Who knows how that’ll come out on the other end, it could end up “Dude, she totally wants to bang you.”

*We hung out a few times last week, and had a lot of those “You like x, wow, me too!” moments, to the point where he finally asked me if I was just agreeing with everything he said. I gave him a :dubious: what do you take me for? sorta look, but that should give you an idea, we do seem to have a lot in common.

**I have no problem asking guys out on dates, but in this case I hesitate to do anything that might be interpreted as me being more interested than I am.

2

Seems to me like you have already made up your mind.

3

I am not a relationship expert. :eek:

However I note from your post that this guy has just finished an emotional rollercoaster relationship and has now been told that a new girl, that he has a major crush on, is interested in him.
Under the circumstances, I would expect him to go for you with intense passion.
I would be surprised if he was ready to take things slow and have the ‘casual sort of dating relationship’ that you want.

Good luck, whatever happens!

4

Well, either way he’s cool and I’d like to hang out with him more often. What I’m worried about is, if it should progress beyond just hanging out, that he won’t understand what I’m looking for. Basically, as I told a friend a while back, I want to be courted. Real dates, not just some prelude to getting busy back at my place. In fact, no sex at all, for a while. I myself got out of a very serious longterm relationship only a year ago, and I don’t want to jump right back into that. From what I gather, he hasn’t had a lot of relationship experience yet, and I worry that the only options in his mind are a) friends b) fuckbuddies or c) girlfriend. There’s an old-fasioned sort of middle ground that I’m not sure exists much anymore.

5

Okay, do that. Sorry to be curt.

6

My last relationship has just imploded so YMMV:

If you’re not sure that he knows what kind of relationship you want - TELL HIM. As 20 year old guy I had two main ideas about dating. Firstly overblown romance, restaurants/candles/soft music. Secondly hot sweaty monkey sex.*

Make it clear to him what you want, and what you don’t want. And, if you can, tell him why. Let him know what your concerns are, if he is mature enough he’ll understand and ease off. This sounds cruel (and if you’re not careful it can be cruel) but if his crush is that big then you are in control. Run things at your pace not his. But always let him know why, don’t come across as playing with him.

Lastly, don’t worry too much about him being heartbroken if things go wrong. It’s happened to us all. He’s got plenty of time ahead of him to find that someone, as do you.

In the end, it may be cliche, but openess and honesty is the foundation of any lasting relationship. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and may happyness find you.

  • Of course now I’m older and wiser I realise it’s BOTH overblown romance and hot sweaty monkey sex.
7

I’ll be less curt than bigbabysweets. :wink: But he’s right. Do that. Hang out. Get to know each other. Maybe become friends. Maybe become more. But give it a little time and see what happens.

That’s adorable. But this guy is likely not that guy. This guy is rebounding, and rebounding is all about fucking your way to forgetting.

There’s nothing wrong with what you want, but given his age and his situation, it’s probably deeply incompatible with what *he * wants, and it’s likely to result in frustration for both of you.

8

Side note from a guy -

Guys are dense. Be up front, blunt, and candid. Do not simply imply anything as guys will likely not get it.

9

I think you are sending mixed signals: To me, “courting” is when you are leading up to something serious. “Hanging out and kinda dating” I think is what you are looking for. The difference is that in hanging out and kinda dating, more often than not you go together where your social group goes and sit next to each other on the couch; courting, you withdrawl from your social group to spend huge chunks of one-on-one time. Hanging out and kinda dating means you each pay your own way to everything; courting, either he pays or you two switch off every date. Hanging out and sorta dating means you talk about TV, your friends, your past: courting means you talk about all that but you also talk about hopes and dreams and fears and deal-breakers.

10

Am I the only one who thought “oh my, Landromat Man made a better first impression than I first thought” on reading the thread title?

[I kid, I kid! :wink: ]

11

I’d be a good punching bag for this. Tell me what you’d do to capture his attention. If it doesn’t get through to me, it might not get through to him. If it gets through to me, it should cut through him like a brick through a window.

12

There’s a few things there that would give me pause, but nothing that should keep you from having fun.

First, obviously… how recently did the last relationship end? A few weeks? A month? The last thing you’ll want to be is the girl he uses to rebound and help him avoid the whole grieving and moving on with his life part of the break up. However, if you’re just interested in the “kinda/sorta dating”, that may be okay. But you have to be careful, because if he’s that enamoured with you, you may have difficulty keeping the pace as slow as you’d like.

As far as the age, I think it’s an over-rated indicator. I’m 25 as well, and I’ve known plenty of women a few to several years younger than me that are mature enough for me to date, and many more at my age and older, who aren’t anywhere close. However, what I think is mroe important is where you are in your life. I started dating my fiancée, who is three years older than I am, when I was in my last semester of my Masters program and she was in her next to last. She had initially had concerns about my age (she thought I was older than I am :)), but even though she’s older, we were at similar places in our lives. If I were suddenly “back on the market”, I’d have a hard time finding women my age I can relate to simply because I’m at a point in my life that not many people my age are.

That is to say, what I think would be more difficult for you is if you’re going into grad school, and he’s either meandering through community college or stuck in a dead-end retail job. Or if you’re a home owner, and he’s still living at home with his parents. Or if you’ve been out of the youthful partying/experimenting stage, and he’s still in it. OTOH, if you’re not looking for a serious relationship… I’m not sure how much those factors matter.

13

Nope, you’re not the only one. Then again, I’m twisted that way!:wink:

I’d say hang out together and enjoy his company. If you want something more serious to develop or be courted, bring it up in a general sense, maybe in a discussion about what men and women want out of dates and relationships. It’s early days yet. As friends of mine pointed out when I started dating a guy a few years ago, don’t worry about where you’ll end up; just enjoy the journey.

Oh yes, good luck! I hope that, at the very least, you get a good friend out of this, and a bunch of good memories.

14

Like Manda JO, I think your desire to be courted may be incompatible with your desire to keep things casual and with his rebound status. I see nothing wrong with starting something casual with this guy, but if you want something more I’d stay away. Similarly, if you want to date a while before getting physical, I would stay away. DianaG put it very well – rebounding guy needs sex, not love, right now. He’s either going to end up frustrated or involved in an emotional relationship he’s not ready for.

15

The breakup happened fairly recently, a few weeks ago. I can’t be sure of the exact time frame, because both he and his girlfriend stopped hanging out with everyone after he let slip, “Why can’t you be more like RedRoses?” :eek: :eek:

As for the courting vs. casual dating aspect, I have no problems with this getting more serious, I just want to take my time making that decision. My last relationship it was a month of hanging out and a couple of dates and suddenly I’m his girlfriend. That’s fine, that’s what I wanted at the time, but I’m not interested in rushing into anything right now. Should it become apparent that this wouldn’t work out, I’d hope a break up would be easier for all involved since there’d (hopefully) be less emotional investment.

And I think he’s already found his rebound girl and gotten that out of his system. I hear tell of a rockabilly girl he boned after he told his girlfriend he’d had enough.