A boy situation...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Alright, Just A Girl has Just a Boy “situation” of sorts. I’ve been very good friends with this guy for a little under a year now. During that entire period, he’s had a girlfriend - I think their total dating time was around a year and a few months. Now, during this time I’ve had boyfriends and dated and everything, and we’ve had a completely plutonic relationship, one that I value a great deal.

Here’s the situation:
He and his girlfriend broke up about a month ago. He is the one who broke it off, as she was bad about lying to him and just treated him poorly in general. We started hanging out more, and I began to see him as more than a friend. Being the shy girl I am when it comes to guys, I would never have said anything, especially since he’s just out of a relationship. A few nights ago he informed me that he does, in fact, like me in the same way I’ve started liking him.

The query:
I have been in his situation before - I know what it’s like to be just out of a serious relationship and still have an undeniable attachment to your ex. He’s very open with the fact that he is still attached, which I understand is normal. He wants to take the approach of “whatever happens, happens.” I’m afraid that I may be a rebound chick. Since I’m his closest female friend, I may be the easiest jump. I really want this to work and I’ve had bad guy luck lately - but our friendship means a lot to me. Should I just go ahead and date him and take it slow (please take note of that…should we start dating within the next few weeks, I would take it VERY slow, as I don’t want anything to really progress until I’m sure he’s ready to completely move on), or wait (grrr…and I can be IMPATIENT :p)?

I really need some good advice on this one…I really like this boy a lot…but I want to support him without being used as some sort of “comfort date” if you will. Help!

2

I would definitely take it slow. Although he’s your friend and you both like each other, you could be the rebound. Don’t get too attached right from the start.
If something just doesn’t feel right yet, I would wait. From all you’ve said, though, it sounds as if it’s worth a shot.

3

Definitely take it slow, but if you really care about him then how can you just leave it? Just make sure you discuss it openly and honestly with him. Let him know your concerns. Don’t settle for rebound girl whatever your feelings.

What truly concerns me is you saying he admits he’s still attached. If it wasn’t for that I’d be advocating a frontal assualt. If he’s still thinking about her you may be best suited as friends for the time being and waiting for the immediate future.

You can support him by being a friend too remember. Don’t let it progress past that point without discussion though. Let’s face it: he’s expressed interest in you ** BUT ** also admits he’s still attached. So either he’s confused or looking to enjoy his new freedom or perhaps both. if this seeming incongruity isn’t resolved I think you’ll end up hurt.

{{{Just A Girl}}}

1964: The British sci-fi TV series Dr. Who began as did US sitcom Bewitched and "The Addams Family" and "The Munsters", Mary Meyer, lover to John F. Kennedy up to his assassination, was brutally murdered on a walking path by the Potomac River
4

Just whatever you do, don’t ask Milossaurian for advice.

Seriously though, I would give it some time. If you think it has been long enough, talk to him honestly about it. Tell him your worries. You two should be able to come to some kind of conclusion if you talk about it.

5

Have you been keeping tabs on me? This sounds very familiar. I was once in this situation, but I was the guy. I just got through a 2 year relationship and I’m now with this wonderful girl who I love very much. But, I know what the guy is going through. Now, if this back-fires or something don’t come hunting me down, cuz all guys are different. Anyways, he needs some time right now. After a year, he feels very comfortable with her, and so he probably doesn’t want to change, but he feels he has to. I was very confused too. Give him some time to make sure you’re really what he wants. I wouldn’t suggest changing anything your current relationship with him, don’t be extreamly flirty, cuz that will just make him more confused. Also, take everything he says with a grain of salt. Sometimes guys say stuff they don’t really mean or feel. I don’t know why, but I’ve done it and I’m sure others have as well. I also had the “whatever happens, happens” attitude. I think that’s the best one to have b/c nobody knows how things will turn out, so it’s just best to let things kinda flow.

I don’t want to get your hopes up too high, but if he’s gone far enough to break up with this girl, then he’ll be able to get over her. The attachment thing is just a byproduct of all the time they spent together. It will fade after awhile. Honestly, I think he wants to be with you, but he needs time. If you guys have had a strong friendship then you have a good chance at having a good relationship. Just be open and honest and make sure he’s open and honest with you. Oh and if none of that works give him a blow job…that always does the trick. :smiley:

6

OK… I don’t see where I, you’re online betrothed and soon to be ex, fits into this situation… you didn’t make that clear. :stuck_out_tongue:

7

and I agree with this one!

having been in a situation like this, I can definitely say that talking about it really helps. my (pretty much) best friend and I were living together in a uni flat, and her BF was always giving her probs.

When he finally broke it off, as usually happens, I became the shoulder to cry on. I’ve always liked her probably a little bit more than I would admit to her, but she guessed anyway! We talked about it, but in the end thought that it would just be too strange…and we were both scared it could ruin a fantastic friendship. This happened about 6 months later mind.

Guess what I’m trying to say, is that you definitely need to talk about it. I didn’t broach the subject with her for ages for fear of just being the rebound guy too…but that’s my experience!

8

Coming from a person who got to marry his best friend i would say that it is worth considering as long as you both remain honest with your feelings. However, with him just getting out of a long term relationship I would not rush into anything.

Also, a word of warning. Don’t go into such a relationship unless you are willing to lose the friendship. If you do try it and it is just a rebound thing. Your friendship will never be the same. Especially if this develops into a sexual relationship before breaking up. Just something to keep in mind.

But, if you two are really serious about taking your relationship to a new level I wish you the best of luck and hope it goes wonderfully for you.

9

After reading your OP, here’s how I see it. It might not be correct, obviously, but it’s the first thing that popped into my head.

First I should explain that I’v always had close female friends. I think it’s a great thing for anyone, to have close friends of the opposite sex. You can learn so much, which will help you immeasurably in your future relationships. I can also tell you that, at least in my experience, and those that I’ve known throughout my life, more often that not these close friendships eventually develop into relationships.

I believe that the friendship starts out that way to begin with. There may be some innocent start to it all - perhaps you are both involved in the same project at school, or you both work together, or whatever - but there is a sub-conscious attraction to each other. It’s only a question of when that realization comes to surface. In your case, these feelings are surfacing now for both you and your friend.

I think I can see his point of view from my own similar experience. I was dating a girl once, but I also had a good female friend. I was in HS, about your age, but my GF was basically lying and doing the types of things that I would guess your friend’s ex did. Guys at that age, just like girls, are insecure about a lot of things in a relationship. If they’re not, then they’re likely jerks to begin with, because they probably think that they’re hot shit, and that’s not really the type of person that I think you’d be interested in. Again, just my opinion.

In my case, I was a little afraid of breaking it off with my GF because, afterall, at least I had a GF, and I didn’t need the added angst of being in HS and not having one. My female friend, however, was always there to talk (even when she had a BF), she was open and honest about things, and I could tell that she really cared about me. I felt the same about her. As my situation got worse, that’s when I began to go through that “Gee, I wish my GF could be more like my friend.” stage. That’s when the little bell went off in my head. I decided to go ahead and end it with the GF, and one thing led to another as I talked to my friend about why I ended it with the GF. My friend and I started dating, and we had a great time. We eventually stopped seeing each other because of going off to different colleges, which is fairly common. We didn’t have any bad feelings, but we did eventually just lose touch with each other. My guess is that your friend is realizing what a great girl you are, and it’s not just a rebound thing.

The point is that you can probably have a really good relationship with this guy - it sounds like you two care for each other a lot. If that foundation is there, then it’s more likely than not that even if you end things eventually, you will be able to do so amicably. I would just take it slow - there’s no need to rush - but from my experiences, these things just have a way of developing on their own. Just be yourself, since obviously it’s been enough for your friend to develop an attraction for you. The rest will come naturally.

10

Thank you so much for the good advice. You’ve given me a lot of different ways to look at the situation and I think I’m gonna have a talk with him when we hang out this weekend. :smiley: I’ll be sure and let you know if or when something happens.

Don’t take it personally Whammo…a girl’s gotta have some REAL companions too!
…plus, I don’t think he has Freudian dreams about his mom…

::ducks and flees from virtual husband::

11

Could this boy’s name start with a D? And his ex…her name start with an A? And her best friend wouldnt happen to be related to me…would she?

12

Yes.
Yes.
Yes, she would be.

It doesn’t matter anyway because he oesn’t want to date anyone right now (thanks to him for lettin me know AFTER we went on a date…sorta makes me feel bad!)

Sorry for not tellin ya IQM.

13

Okay… what’s a plutonic relationship? Is that like the one Mickey Mouse has with Pluto? They are buddies and they live together but they never have sex. Or is it like the relationship Pluto the ninth (sometimes the eighth) planet has with the Sun? Attracted from far away but the pull is never strong enough to overcome the speed at which you’re moving?

Or do you actually mean Platonic? Derived from the name of some creepy Greek guy who promised to the parents of his students that all those camping trips with the boys were totally innocent and they really should let him be the Troop Leader of the Boy Scouts of Achea? <— Ancient Greece

Hopefully, I’ve totally obfuscated the original post. Thus, mission fufilled, I slip away unnoticed into the night.

Tenth utterly useless post and counting.

14

Ya shoulda jumped his bones!

::runs for cover and hides::

15

Not a problem Just A Girl, you knew my thoughts on him and his ex and you didnt know how I’d react. I can understand that :smiley: My sister had told me about it anyway, and told me not to tell you :rolleyes: