On Trauma, Helplessness, and Political Outrage

Great Debates
1

I dunno if this is the right forum due to the emphasis on personal experience, but dragging politics into it might make it qualify. I don’t know if people are going to ‘‘get’’ this at all, but here goes…

I was diagnosed with complex PTSD when I was 18 years old, due to repeated childhood trauma. I am 34 years old now, and I still have it. Sure, I’ve worked hard and made progress, but PTSD is the gift that keeps on giving. Just when you think you have one thing figured out, it bites you on the ass with three more. We typically associate trauma with restless nights, flashbacks, hypervigilance – and I have experienced all that, for sure. But in people with more complex trauma histories, you also see more pervasive personality issues, like disruptions in one’s system of meanings, emotional lability, low self-esteem, excessive guilt, etc.

I have had a long and conflicted relationship with what I’ve viewed as, until now, two opposing parts of my personality: the one that wants justice and the one that wants to make peace. I have sought to understand alternative points of view while battling within me a deep-seated rage. My relationship to the Dope has been particularly challenging over the years, as I have struggled to be a voice of reason, particularly when confronted with issues I have a deep personal relationship with. The political hatred and divisiveness has been unbearable, but on the flip side, misogynist views and views that dismiss/discount rape victims upset me to the point that, however reasonable I might seem online, the internal rage has made it difficult for me to sleep at night. I still get upset sometimes over things that happened years ago on this board. Over time, my interactions here have come to be a pretty reliable barometer of my mental health, which is why I’ve dissappeared at times when things get overly emotional.

See, people make jokes all the time about ‘‘trigger warnings’’ but people with PTSD actually have pretty extreme reactions to things that remind them of their trauma in some way. I feel shame for admitting it, but I am one of those people. The election of Trump, for example, fucked me up good, because here is a man who has boasted openly about sexually assaulting women and a good portion of the country doesn’t seem to give a damn, in much the same way that my family didn’t give a damn about my own abuse. I acknowledge that these issues are mine, and that is part of the point of this thread, so don’t get defensive on me just yet.

Anyhow, I’ve been doing hard labor on my trauma issues lately, following the end of my relationship with my highly invalidating, mentally ill mother. I have described before what it was like to live with this woman, but honestly, it’s impossible to grasp if you haven’t lived it. It was one, long, extensive mindfuck and the upshot is I learned to question anything I believed about everything, constantly, while experiencing crippling anxiety that I might be wrong.

And one of the major shifts that I’ve experienced as I’ve gone through this therapy (EMDR) over the last few weeks has really surprised me. It’s that I don’t get as emotionally invested in shit that goes down on this board, no matter how much I disagree. And more generally, I don’t care as much what other people think about my value system. I seem to not care anymore if people think I’m wrong, or crazy, or terrible, or whatever. The anger and the anxiety have dissipated.

And this is what I have pieced together:

  1. I grew up in a highly invalidating environment in which my relatively accurate view of reality was constantly forced to fit my mother’s.
  2. I felt a constant conflict between standing up for myself (rage) and making peace (compliance.)
  3. This exact same dynamic has been playing out for years for me, internally, on the Straight Dope.
  4. Rage is a response to a feeling of helplessness. The more your voice is drowned out, the more frightened you are of revictimization and the more angry you get.
  5. Rage alienates other people from you, prompting them to drown out your voice even more.
  6. You get angrier.

Do you see where I’m going with this? It’s our politics in a nutshell. I’m a tiny microcosm of a giant fucking universe of helplessness, rage, alienation, and hate. We often don’t want to acknowledge how deeply our poltiical roots are grounded in our personal experience – particularly painful experience. But as I’ve dealt with the stuff with my Mom, I finally feel like my internal self is starting to reflect my external one – the one who wants to facilitate understanding. There is no part of me that still wants to scream through a bullhorn. I don’t feel like I’m scrapping and fighting for survival anymore. I’m not as angry. And I’m definitely not as threatened by opposing viewpoints.

It’s as if what many of us really need – and I acknowledge this is going to sound really cheesy – is healing. We have to reckon with the past that shaped the person we are today. We have to determine in what ways it’s serving us, and in what ways it’s not. Particularly on the liberal side (as most of the people I know are liberals) I see a lot of traumatized, broken people who are angry because they don’t know how else to deal with what they’ve been through.

I don’t know if there is a debate here. A discussion, maybe? Whether your favorite people to demonize are feminists or fundamentalists, maybe this is worth thinking about. You see people flying off the handle for no reason, but you don’t know what their background is like, or what their internal world is like. You don’t know what kind of life experience is making them feel so desperate (and it is desperation, for many of us.) It might be overly optimistic, but I’m hoping to shed a little light on the psychology of an outraged person, so that these people can be more, well, people – instead of caricatures. I’ve seen a lot of that oversimplification of the issues (and the people) come up on these boards, and I think the reality is a lot more complex than that.

I don’t know if this is useful for many of you or not, but I thought I’d put it out there and see where it leads. Also, I’m by no means claiming to have a perfect, reasonable grasp on life – just saying it’s improving.

Thanks for listening,

Christy

2

Excellent OP, you articulated yourself extremely well. I don’t know if you’ll see it with the same revelance to your OP as I do but I feel compelled to share this anyway. Regarding the pain, hardship and struggle that I have experienced at the hand of my disability, if I had to sum up what I’ve taken from these experiences it would be that suffering is inherently subjective. By this I mean that just as nobody else will really understand some of the thoughts and feelings that I have wrestled with, I will never really understand someone else’s suffering. It has made me a much more compassionate and empathetic person.

3

Great post Spice Weasel.

ISTM that one possible theory to explain the political rage in America is that people feel that they are being subjected to “gaslighting” - knowing full well that their views are accurate (at least, to them) but that there is a media, a government, an opposing political faction, etc. that is determined to portray their truth as false and falsehood as truth.

4

A few days ago I had an idea for a post here, but didn’t post it since this board tends to have a one sided political slant and I didn’t think I’d get much info. I was going to ask people who consider themselves politically ideological as either liberals or tea party conservatives (who each make up maybe 15-20% of the electorate) why they hate and fear the other side so much. I wanted to see what all came up, because we do have valid reasons to hate and fear each other.

And I don’t think there is a solution. I made up a list myself and came up with something like a dozen potential reasons a tea party type may hate and fear liberals, but could only come up with 5 or 6 reasons a liberal would hate or fear a tea party type (and I’m a liberal who was playing devil’s advocate).

One example: According to Jonathan Haidt, conservatives value purity and tradition, liberals do not. The problem is that ‘purity and tradition’ usually accompany injustice, which liberals do care about. The treatment of racial minorities, sexual minorities, women, etc. I think many conservatives consider liberals, racial minorities, sexual minorities an impurity in their culture, but because liberals do not feel the same we aren’t bothered by it (we are more comfortable interacting with those who are not in line with mainstream culture). At the same time, we do see the injustice that mainstream culture can inflict, and want to end it, which conservatives interpret as violating tradition and purity.

Conservatives don’t want the nation to go bankrupt from excess spending, they don’t want abortion on demand, their guns taken away, their culture to die out, terrorists and gang members running amok, etc. Liberals don’t want the safety net taken away, minorities mistreated, the environment to collapse or to live in a corporate oligarchy. Etc. There are valid reasons we fear the other side so much, our values in life and quality of life are under threat.

I came up with a bunch of examples like that. I guess my point is that, I don’t think there is a happy ending to all this bickering. I think our moral values deep down inside are set up so that our values and sense of identity are invalidated by the other side now. It is almost zero sum, one side winning means the other side loses.

What has helped me a bit is realizing politics is like a pendulum, and one side winning race X means the public wants the other side to win race Y. A lot has been made of the fact that under Obama, the democrats lost something like 1000 seats in various legislatures and governorships. And we did, but under Bush the GOP lost a ton of seats too. Trump winning the presidency empowers a liberal grassroots movement that’ll lead to liberal elections, just like Hillary winning the presidency would lead to a conservative grassroots movement that would lead to conservative elections. Its basically 6 in one hand, half a dozen in the other. When I think about that I get less angry because I think on a national level, the public don’t like one party rule (in certain geographic regions they are more open to it though obviously).

However I do have trouble discussing politics with family without turning into an asshole. I’m trying to work on that, but not doing well. I prefer to just avoid it when possible. I’ve taken to just pretending I’m interested in something on my phone or leave the room.

5

Excellent discussion, actually discussions, going on here, and lots of food for thought. I’d like to congratulate Spice Weasel for having the guts to write the OP. As someone old enough t be his father I must say that it can’t be easy in an age of “get over it”, “get a life” and other put downs for people in his position to even mention some of his issues he raised in his post. I haven’t the time to writer much further but just want to jump in with a figurative high five for this brave young man.

6

Great post, Spice. And I agree with the general thrust of what you wrote: politics absolutely reflects our experiences. That’s why, no matter how much logic we try to inject into a debate or how rational we might think our arguments are, they don’t always resonate with others. What I’ve come to understand over time is that, even when I believe I’m 100% right, I’ve stopped trying to believe that I have to win an argument. I think that’s what people on both ends of the political spectrum need to realize. Winning a debate or an argument now isn’t as important as just having the conversation and seeing where it goes over time. By all means: confront bullshit when you think you see it and refuse to be gaslighted. But don’t expect to convert people overnight. And in the process, we should try to keep our own minds open.

7

Thank you, john b. Minor correction: I am a lady weasel.

I look forward to responding more after work tonight.

8

Excellent OP, Spice Weasel.

As the OP is pretty personal, I am not sure if I should respond very much for fear of looking like I am talking about you personally, but at least I can say that this

This is good, and I am glad, and I am sure we are all glad, that it is helping and that you feel better and happier.

No more for now. Just that.

Regards,
Shodan

9

Totally with you, Spice Weasel. Part of my current hopelessness, no, feeling of inability to communicate with many/most people these days is that the will to ‘heal’ or find common ground seems to have been lost. And, when someone else has given in to rage (as you put it), it makes it that much harder for you to not give in.

And, if we extrapolate these individual behaviors to population behaviors, I don’t know what the answer is. If a family is mired in destructive dynamics, individuals can find help from the outside; family, friends, or therapy, or just distance can help heal both parties, or at least one. When a whole society is mired in destructive dynamics, there is no outside. I’m afraid that, as Wesley Clark says, there is no happy ending. We’ve let unhealthy situations fester and spread for too long, until even the (metaphorical) therapist and the social worker who we once might have been able to count on to help us work through this are trapped inside the same mess.

10

This. Daily, I grapple with the fact that a large portion of our country does not believe in the reality that I have always known. Daily. Since Nov 8, I’ve raged and raged and then sunk into depression.

The hate has also been hard for me. I feel hated. The “grab em by the pussy” was traumatizing. The fact that that meant so little to so many. It’s horrific.

Every day, EVERY day, I’m stunned and horrified that my country has become so awful so fast. It’s hard to cope.

11

Great post.
It shows why the ideas of trigger warnings and words as violence are so insidious. They try to help people and are well intentioned but end up hurting people. People who are traumatized and hurt emotionally do not need for the world to be cushioned for them, they need therapy and healing. Rage at politics is not a good thing, it is a sign of a psychological problem.
Happiness, peace, and contentment can never come from outside events such as elections. They have to come from a person taking responsibility for their own happiness and psychological well being.

12

Yeah. I’ve come to the same conclusion, although for me the ‘‘aha’’ moment was my miscarriage. Despite everything I had been through up to that point, nothing prepared me for it, and miscarriage is an incredibly common experience. So many women (and some men) came forward to share their own stories. It made me realize, ‘‘Oh, life is just painful in general, not for me, specifically.’’ There are things people have been through I cannot imagine, but the suffering part, that is universal.

Part of the problem with political narratives is that in order to work, they have to take leave some peopel out of the conversation. A conservative friend, for example, asked me how I would define misogyny. I said I would define it as discounting and minimizing the experiences, opinions, attitudes, and ideas of women.

He thought that was a very non-political response, because it would have to encompass all women, not just the ones who fit the liberal narrative. He works at a nonprofit that helps pregnant women in crisis - the intent is to minimize the frequency of abortion. I am pro-choice, he is pro-life, but we were discussing, in particular, the emotional experience of pregnant women, how the right claims that 95% of women who have had an abortion regret it, and the left claims the opposite is true. We tried to get into the science, but it is an inherently biased subject. But it made me think: Yes, there are women who do regret it, and we act like that doesn’t matter because those women don’t fit our narrative.

We also discussed a film, I cannot recall the name, which is centered on one woman’s decision to have (or not have) an abortion. For some reason, it becomes a hugely public and controversial event. At the end of the film, we see her walking out of the abortion clinic, alone. The protesters, the pro-lifers and the pro-choicers at each other’s throats, don’t see her at all.

I remain pro-choice, but I am trying to think more broadly about whose perspective we shut down in favor of our own.

But if we all participated in constructing the reality, we can participate in dismantling it. I’m not about to wax poetic about The Way We Never Were, but there have existed periods of time in which people’s politics were not seen as indicative of their worth as a person. ‘‘Trump is a scumbag’’ is no new sentiment; ‘‘You are a scumbag for voting for Trump’’ is a different kettle of fish.

So, we can make choices. And people, you know, they have a right to hate. It’s just not who I am.

See, I forgot one of the most important insights I got out of the last session. A certain contingent of liberal thought has lambasted me for trying to reach across the aisle. I described the conflict I had between standing up for others and making peace. I saw these as fundamentally opposed because I was buying into an ideology that saw these as inherently contradictory. If I am not an uncompromising, angry, vengeful overlord, I don’t really care about those people. Well, it’s not true. I realized that for me, reaching across the aisle is how I stand up for others because I believe in my heart of hearts it’s the only thing that will ever work. And honestly, I probably took a lot of flak for it not because it’s wrong, but because it’s hard, and they didn’t want to do the harder thing.

13

Well, I’m curious what you think. Thank you for your kind words.

Funny you say that because I am a social worker. I dunno if we can save the whole country, but I can work on cultivating this little corner of the world.

I came from a very dysfunctional family and I played the same role within it - trying to make peace. At a certain point, I had to let go of that role in my family because I served as a crutch for them and it made me miserable. But I could make a decision in my own personal relationships not to let that dynamic play out. So I’m learning to let go of the responsibility I’ve always felt to change other people’s minds, to ‘‘save’’ others trapped in dysfunction - let them save themselves, it’s more powerful and more meaningful when the change comes from them, anyhow. But by the same token, I’m not adding to any of that mess. For once in my goddamn life I’m not responsible for what other people do. If people want to fling shit at each other, that’s their business, but I’m going about my own way of things.

It’s almost creepy how all of this has paralleled my personal politics, and I never saw it until now.

This was the hardest part for me, too. I reacted so intensely to some of the issues around the election, so viscerally, that I knew it was some unresolved something inside of me. One of the biggest, most unexpected moments was when I was debating my cousin on Facebook, and he said some rape apologist thing that made me literally shriek out loud. Visceral, caged animal rage scream (fortunately nobody was home.) It was 100% PTSD and I knew it, so I disengaged immediately, but the trapped feeling lingered. The fact that people were mocking those who had a hard time with the election made it even worse, because my mother used to mock me when I cried.

I think I’m just learning to let go of the need to justify myself. It’s hard to describe the change because I still have a fundamental sense of right and wrong, I’m just not as scared anymore.

I’ve been making this argument for a while, but it hasn’t gone over well in liberal circles. I’ve done prolonged exposure therapy for PTSD and I’ve written a few (summary, not original) research papers on exposure and PTSD, and the idea that people should avoid their triggers never made much sense to me from a purely psychological perspective. The rebuttals were invariably, ‘‘But I don’t want to deal with this problem I have.’’

I think part of the problem is that most people take it for granted that PTSD is a permanent condition. It can be, but there are some very effective treatments. A lot of the limitations can be overcome. It takes a lot of courage, though - by which I mean a willingness to do things that scare you.

I should also add, the stuff that’s going to trigger you? You can guess, but some of it is so random. The end of Ex-Machina triggered a ginormous panic attack for me, and yet I’ve never been left in a security-locked compound by an Android. I’ve watched things that people were sure would traumatize me for life that barely registered on my radar (Butterfly Effect), and I’ve had minor plot elements ruin my evening (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.) Go figure.

14

[QUOTE=me]
Part of the problem with political narratives is that in order to work, they have to take leave some peopel out of the conversation.
[/QUOTE]

Apologies for this complete mess of a sentence.

Ahem:

Part of the problem with political narratives is that in order to work, they have to leave some people out of the conversation.

15

The civil war was fought because of tensions between (what amounted to) liberals and tea party conservatives. If you assume liberals mean liberals in the northeast and west coast, and tea party conservatives means whites from the south (which is a pretty fair assessment) not only did we fight a civil war, but for 150 years afterwards political realignments have happened to reflect this division.

I don’t think there ever was a time of true bipartisanship, but maybe in the past people didn’t have 24/7 media (and they weren’t dependent on government programs like medicare, the ACA, social security, etc) so on a 1-10 scale politics was a 3 instead of a 7 it is now. Politics between the two groups is zero sum because our values are different and for one side to win their values, the other side loses. When liberals from the north went into the south to register blacks to vote, a lot of whites took that as an assault on their way of life. When liberals try to protect a woman’s ability to make her own medical decisions a lot of conservatives take that as murder. Liberals wanting gun control to reduce crime is interpreted by conservatives as not only an assault on their culture but an attempt to leave them defenseless in a hostile world. At the same time, a lot of conservatives trying to keep government small is taken by liberals as destroying the safety net people depend on and reducing safety/labor regulations which makes the world more dangerous and unfair. Conservatives upholding their traditions and way of life is interpreted by liberals as oppressing and mistreating racial, cultural, sexual, religious and ethnic minorities. Our culture, way of life, sense of identity and ability to feel safe in the world is threatened by the other side, and both sides feel this way so that my win is your loss, and vice versa. I’m not surprised it has gotten to the point where many people are saying ‘if Putin hacked our election, good. He protected us from our real enemy (our domestic political opponents)’.

I think media outlets designed to keep people constantly enraged and scared are making it worse, and both sides have that. Conservatives have talk radio and fox, liberals have MSNBC, internet sites, etc. and both keep their viewers constantly angry, scared and disgusted of the other side via various means. That is a problem.

I feel like Obama took the approach you did. He tried to be bipartisan, reach across the isle, offer olive branches. He was called a Muslim terrorist from Kenya and the head of ISIS for it. I don’t know if what you are doing will work. I think both sides have become so balkanized that I don’t know what the solution is. Maybe stronger states rights so that liberals and conservatives can live in their own enclaves.

16

I know these divisions have existed in our country since time immemorial. In fact, the conflict between the north and the south (particularly over slavery) is evident from before our country was even founded. But it’s the worst it’s ever been in my lifetime.

I don’t know what the solution is, either, and Obama may have taken abuse regardless of his approach, but I’ll bet he sleeps better at night for having lived out his principles.

I didn’t realize how bad online media really was until I escaped from it. Now, on the outside looking in, it’s horrifying and obvious what’s happening. People are addicted to outrage and the media is feeding the addiction.

17

The flip side of the rage is a deep-seated fear that one is wrong to resent the control and the disparagement and hostility, that they (whoever they are) are right, or justified in some sense, and that one’s anger is not legitimate.

With great fury comes great responsibility to verify its legitimacy.

And there’s no way to do that without enduring the most merciless trial of self-doubt. (It would be so awful if, in truth, you deserved no better than what you went through, and if that were true you’d probably continue to deserve yet more of the same, wouldn’t you?).

On the far side of the experience, though, a permanently lost temper and a fully unleased focused rage is a surprisingly calm and peaceful thing. Who’d’ve thunk it? So much less volatile than pent-up restricted stuff exploding under pressure.

18

FWIW in terms of people on this board who have a reasonable grasp on life, I would always have pegged you as a top one percenter . How much of a compliment that is probably depends on your opinion of the general population of the board…

I’m not on social media much any more either, and although part of it is the whole polarised rage issue, another (greater for me) is that there’s just so much stuff
out there. There’s a continual parade of things happening - even when it’s not an outrageous horrible thing but just an important thing or an interesting thing, we’re always pressured to have a really superficial reaction to it, because in five minutes the next thing will be along, and we’re going to have to think about our reaction to that.

Also, an “influencer” and “opinion shaper” has become a very aspirational thing to be, and I think people are very aware of how influential the first few responses to any event are. So you have another factor pushing people to just jump in without thinking or empathising or considering the other side - 24- newscycle Insta-response interaction simply doesn’t support that kind of style.

Facebook can be okay but I loathe Twitter with every fibre of my being for just that reason- it’s just a yelling chamber and he person who yells the loudest and least reasonably wins - they get the attention. The other people, the ones who want to have reasonable discussions, have simply disengaged and gone somewhere else.

19

I used to play games online like Ultima Online way back at the beginning. When I played them I’d get so upset when one of the other players would rob my character or kill my character. Especially if they spent time building up trust beforehand. It felt awful.

After awhile I came to the conclusion that those were the rules of the game and I could choose to participate or not. I liked playing so I chose to continue to play but I didn’t let other people’s behavior impact me anymore. It was part of the game and I didn’t know the internal state of mind of the opposing player. I didn’t know if they were playing a character or if they were just jackasses. I don’t know if that really mattered though. All I knew was that if I wanted to play on an UO server that would be part of the environment and I had to determine if the pros outweighed the cons and they did.

What’s that got to do with politics, social media, and forums? Well in a way many people treat all those things as a game as well. And each person may be playing a slightly different game. That’s why I think the healthiest thing to do when interacting is not to give the other person any power over your emotional well being.

Who cares if someone disagrees or challenges a dearly held position? Just ignore them if it bothers you. Or use that disagreement as a means to check your own basic assumptions. That’s what I do. And the funny thing is my views have evolved over time because of the disagreements.

Where I think people make a mistake though is when they get overly personal. Who’s mind are you going to change or influence in a positive direction if you are hostile towards them? How will you appear to spectators if you are overly and unnecessarily vitriolic? So disagreement in my mind is good and can lead to growth. Or at the very least a bit of introspection.

I guess what I’m saying in a long winded fashion is I agree with your current goal. Concerning healing and dealing with folks, especially on the internet or in a mob situation, I don’t know how people are suppose to communicate on controversial subjects in a way that won’t offend someone who has been traumatized. I also don’t think there is a responsibility to either if the discussion is direct yet relatively civil.

My approach to threads and disagreements is also why I find all the hand wringing in the Pit and in ATMB about minutia to be so silly. It’s almost like people can’t help themselves to not participate in conversations that bother them. I don’t get that, I really don’t. What is the compulsion to read a thread, waste a few minutes of one’s finite life, get all worked up, and post tedium?

TLDR: It’s healthy to not care about what random people think. Some of those random people may not be good for your health and you definitely don’t need their approval.

20

Welcome our ‘benevolent overlords?’ Maybe if you’re the submissive type, or are ignorant of common ethics. ‘They’ could have the absolute truth of the universe and it would not change the fact that imposing such on others is wrong.