hmm. maybe I should have previewed that.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by RickJay *
**
On a trip of Europe three years ago, I visited my great-uncle, late of Princess Patricia’s Light Infantry, in Italy. Specifically, in the Moro River Military Cemetary.
My very next stop was to visit (living) relatives in London, and we go for a walk through Green Park. Past the Canadian Army War Memorial, an abstract ramp and fountain sort of affair. And damned if there weren’t some German teenagers skateboarding on it. I coulda killed the little fuckers.
Sorry, Ticklefuck, but it doesn’t swing that way. As far as the college campus rant? Fine, fine, fine, sorry you have finals. Take it up with the Bursar of Underlord of Deans, or whomever. You’re paying $ 60,000 a year to go to Columbia, you should have free access to your own exam areas. That’s PRIVATE property, and your contract with the school should allow you to do your business unimpeded.
As for the streets of NYC? Listen fucknose, I make my living shooting the shows that you sit in your fucking goddamned unwashed Bugle Boy boxer shorts cause you’re too cool to wear panties at night and watch between your fucking feet whilst laying in bed.
I work extremely long hours in bitter cold, wicked assed heat and dangerous traffic. You just try going a week without watching some piece of media- commercials, feature films, documentaries or episodic t.v.- that wasn’t produced in NYC. My industry delivers hundreds of millions of dollars a year into the local economy.
As for your threat of arrest for assault. It actually works EXACTLY opposite of your rant, sorry to tell you. If I’m shooting in an area designated by a permit issued by the NYC Mayor’s Office Of Film & Television, and you place your hands upon me in an attempt to stop me from working, just because you’re late for a dye job a the Punkatorium, you’d fucking well better believe that you’ll be tossed for assault. That’s after the Teamsters are done with you. 
So, have a nice day. Hope you aced your finals. And, think twice before you fuck with the nice cameraman on the sidewalk, m’kay? 
Cartooniverse
While the previous rant was based upon a quote by our fellow T.M. Mischievous, the wording was in no way meant to threaten, harass, malign or endanger that specific person. Rather, it was a rant based on 21 years experience working in NYC in the industry of my dreams.
No personal threat was implied or intended. So, kwitcherbitchin’.
Spavined Gelding:
The smiley was implied, fuckwad. Just like this one:
I mean that. I don’t do smilies. I have a thread I started to prove that. Look it up.
Heh. Not my normal MO, but jeez, you spelled “important” wrong twice. That ain’t a typo, Billy Bob.
Traffic jams are for tourists and other surface dwellers; haven’t you been keeping track of this thread? My rent ain’t so bad when you consider that real estate is all about location, location, location. I got a good one. I heard rumors about air that you can’t even see; I wouldn’t trust it myself. You get the gist of it.
Opie. Dude. I knew that my faith in you would pay off, and that those rural states didn’t award law licenses to just anyone.
We have a winner. That’s all we want in the whole wide world. Use the public ways just as the locals do and you will be treated with civility. As I said, we didn’t approve all those hotel rooms for our use. Walk, don’t stand on the sidewalk, don’t block the steps, don’t wander midtown with your head pointed up like a hatchling waiting on a worm. And if you could cough up a few extra bucks over the minimum at the museums, we’d certainly appreciate it. In exchange, we’ll tell you where to get the best food in the world for dirt cheap. You’ll make money on the deal.
In fact, if you act like a normal person while in our fair city, you would be just stunned at how nice we are. Really.
In other words, do all the same stuff you do at home. Life is so simple.
Oh manhattan, if I could only experience the stuff you do at home, I’d be a fully satisfied woman
and another thing (not to manhattan, who clearly has it all together, and not to all of us self important big ass city dwellers)
…not to beat this dead horse into the dust…but when an AUTOMATIC REVOLVING DOOR says DO NOT PUSH…here’s a thought:
DO NOT PUSH IT PUSHING IT MAKES IT STOP.
I can’t believe I have to say these things…but the dowdy ol’ fanny pack grandma makes me do it! That cumpercolating dicksheath
carry on…
jarbaby
Hey! This thread has it all. What a great thread. We get lectures on etiquette in the big city, we get new vocabulary words, we get rural v. urban conflict (or at least urban v. mega-urban conflict), we get personal attacks later asserted to have just been good clean fun, we get self loathing, we get boastful posturing and real NYC attitude. How could this thread be any better?
I know how it can be better. We can have threats. I have the solution. I will gather up a bunch of mid-western types, all big phlegmatic people with the build, bulk and disposition of draft horses, and take them all to Chicago or NYC, depending on whether Jarbabyj or Manhattan will be the more offended. We will all dress in blue and white striped overalls with a big red bandana hanging out of a hip pocketso that we can be readily told from the locals. We will all suck on hay straws. Ten or fifteen of us ought to do it. Once there we will:
Go to tony restaurants where we will each order a cup of soup and proceed to take photographs of each other with throwaway cameras, using the automatic flash;
One at a time go through automatic revolving doors, each one of us pushing the door;
In a bunch, stand in the middle of a cross walk gawking at the big building and ignoring the street lights;
Precede through the financial district at noon, in formation, four abreast, holding hands;
Go to a deli with no idea of what we want to order. We will dither about our selection and converse in loud tones about wide selection.
We will agree to meet on the steps to the subway. All but one of us will arrive early and we will all stand in a bunch, holding hands, while we wait for the lost lamb;
We will all go to a discount ticket shop for theater tickets and argue about what all of us want to see and whether we should all go to the same show. We will not do this until we get to the window;
If in NYC we will all get on the subway, stand in front of the door and refuse to get out of the way.
No matter where we are or what is going on we will shout to each other that what ever it is it is done much better in Topeka, or Des Moines, Or Bismarck, or Kansas City or Omaha or wherever.
We will have a wonderful time. From the level of rage shown in the posts, I figure it will take about a day and a half to bring all the great cities to a screeching halt. That or give a couple of people apoplexy. Either would be a worthwhile outcome.
On second thought, I think I’ll just go over to the river and watch the better part of Wisconsin and Minnesota float by. Maybe I can be some help over there.
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=59061
I was serious about that, shit-stain [insert smiley face]. Look, this is the Pit, which means we get to hurl creative (and not so creative) insults at each other, but you’ve gotta take it with a grain of salt, rectal tumor [insert smiley face]. I don’t actually think you’re stupid, there’s nothing wrong with being a hillbilly, and I’m a cuntsucker, in the literal sense of the term. So calm the fuck the down [insert smiley face].
What’s really regrettable is a newbie spending all his time in the Pit, and then getting all sensitive. Moron.
Spavined Gelding, your modest proposal is not terribly threatening, because the problem is that we New Yorkers won’t notice you among the vast herds of people already behaving the way you have described.
If it makes you feel any better, not everyone who does this is a tourist. A number of them are natives. And we hate them too. These are probably the people who are eventually going to move to small towns across America, and then loudly complain that no one makes a decent bagel, and what a hardship it is to have to walk to the end of their mile long driveway to pick up their mail because the postperson is too inconsiderate to bring it right to their door. Then you can hate them too. See how the Pit bringing us all together? Let’s have a big hearty round of Kumbaya, this time, WITH FEELING.
…someone’s bitching, Lord, kumbaya
someone’s bitching, Lord, kumbaya
someone’s bitching, Lord, kumbaya
Oh, Lord, kumbaya
Yes, you. You know who you are.
You’re the one who insists on hauling that hufuckingmungous camping trailer, the one with its own swimming pool and postal code, the one you rented Special for this trip, along steep and winding mountain roads. You’re the one who can’t figure out that the lack of a mid-stripe and the dashed lines on the sides of the road mean NARROW ROAD. It does not mean DRIVE STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE. And those tight curves are called switchbacks. It’s actually rather funny to watch you try to get your trailer around one… for the first ten minutes or so. Then we start counting the remaining switchbacks and worrying that we might not make it to the campsite by the kids’ bedtime…
Yes, there are some goats hiding in the snowshed. Probably trying to get out of the rain. You do not need to take an individual portrait of each stupid hideous goat face. Take a group photo and promise everyone you’ll send them copies (it’s okay, being goats they won’t remember anyway), then get on your merry fucking way, because you and the goats together are blocking both lanes! We don’t blame the goats. Goats are supposed to be stupid. You, on the other hand…
Ooh look! A waterfall! Even with these narrow roads, you’ll notice, the road authorities have (at no small expense) tried to locate parking areas next to particularly scenic spots. They’re free of charge, and include outhouses and trash containers. So use them, instead of stopping on the 15cm wide “shoulder”, letting junior piddle on the guard rail, and dropping your Kodak boxes all over the pretty little flowers you’re photographing. No room? Then DRIVE ON. If there is one thing this country has no shortage of, it’s scenic fucking waterfalls. You’ll come to another one soon, I promise.
Ah, night is falling. Time to pull off into a rest area, right? Except see that sign there? The one that’s bigger than a freaking barn door? The one that says CAMPING PROHIBITED in six, count 'em six, languages? That means you and your gigantic camping trailer. Pony up the lousy fee to park your monstrosity at a real campground. You’ll get a real toilet and a hot shower for the price. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t even think about sneaking behind that rock and emptying the stinking germ-infested toxic waste from your sewage tank. Bad enough with your litter.
They call it “tourist season”, but never announce a bag limit…
Look, Spavined, is there anything so hard about “Doing as the Romans Do?” That means in crowded, fast-paced cities, Don’t Drive, Step Lively and Get Out of the Goddamned Way. Don’t be a land barge. If you’re not willing to do that, STAY HOME!
I mean, it’s really so easy - check what the place is like before you go. If it doesn’t sound comfy for you, DON’T GO. I mean, be prepared to wear trousers even if it’s hot, or to keep your voice down, or to go to the bathroom to blow your nose, or to wait patiently for slow service. That’s part of the experience, and when you buy your ticket you buy in to the whole thing. Club Med notwithstanding, travel is not a Chinese menu.
And if you’re not wherever-you-are voluntarily, well, suffer in silence.
Just a minute here. I’m not the one doing the bitching. I’m the guy saying that the bitching is pointless. Having people get in your way, interfere with your life and be generally annoying is just a given, especially in a city. I live in the boondocks but I love an occasional foray into Minneapolis or Chicago or that Mecca of cities, New York. My point is that if you are going to live and work in one of the great cities you have to be accepting of the inconveniences that come with the city. By definition, they’re lots of people there and a fair number of them will not share your sense that your addenda is entitled to some sort of priority. It is just pointless to complain about it, except as noted below.
Some one suggested that a newbee ought not to be taking up this much space in this board. It is pretty obvious that this is a fun board. Good Lord, have you looked at the stuff on the other boards? Movie trivia, high school memories, touchie-feelie stuff. This is the only place I know where a guy can just blow off steam with out taking himself or other posters too seriously, and without much risk of getting punched in the nose. There has got to some benefit in that. In short, this is great fun. It a never ending game of “yo’ Mama.” I ain’t leaving.
Humph. They wouldn’t tell me where to get a license.
You forgot this part:
Please bear in mind, FOP, that you are driving on a HIGHWAY! There are people on it trying to get somewhere. Do NOT park your humungous-ass RV in the middle of the road around a blind curve to take pictures. This can be quite startling to those using the highway as a transit arterial rather than a series of photo ops. It is also an excellent way to end up dead. As flodnak so excellently mentioned, there are plenty of incredibly scenic spots WITH PULLOUTS SO YOU AREN’T A ROAD HAZARD!
If you really want to go for the hat trick, you have to go to the 2nd Ave. Deli and ask for a bacon cheesburger. I double-dog-dare ya!
Sigh. Poor Opie hasn’t been reading the thread. We’ll just deck you and move on.
I’ll tell ya what a freakin’ nice guy I am to the good tourists, though. I was at the Waldorf for a conference today. As I was walking by the ballroom elevators on my way out, I saw an older couple, clearly from Assboink, Idaho or some such place, patiently waiting for the elevators to close. Except that the ballroom elevators don’t close until you push the “close door” button. The tower elevators do. The Astor elevators do. But the ballroom elevators will sit there all day with the Assboinkians inside. So I told them. Then I showed them where the button is.
Ain’t I sweet? And down they went, off to wherever people go who wear orange polyester to the Waldorf ballroom.
So, mischievous, how YOU doin’?
Tried to refrain. Couldn’t. Purple tressed goth chicks are one of the first miracles the gods would create if they actually existed. Luckily, the ladies got to create themselves (aesthetically, I mean).
Gosh, Weirddave, you had to go and make me all homesick… {wipes away a tear}
I hate the freakin’ city I live in now. It’s not the people. It’s not the traffic. It’s not even because it’s one of the most expensive places to live in the UK. No – it’s the garbage. You can’t walk two paces without having to step over trash of all varieties, vast quantities of dog shit, gobs of phlegm and the occasional pile of vom. It’s only just beginning to dawn on council members that, hey, public garbage cans might just be a good idea. Sheesh.
Only 4 months and 6 days till I visit good ole Charm City.
My friend Carson used to live in Manhattan, and his rule of surviving in New York was thus - “Don’t get in anybody’s way.”
Worked for me like a charm.
Esprix