I was just browsing over Rotten Tomatoes reviews of DOOM and was taken by how creative reviewers become when they dislike a movie they are reviewing
Samples:
So in that spirit can the Dopers come up with clever witty one sentence reviews for films they actually Hate?
I leave it to you.
Enjoy
A favorite of mine from Roger Ebert: “Mad Dog Time does not improve upon a blank screen viewed for an equal amount of time. It should be cut up to provide free ukulele picks for the poor.”
I don’t hate The Wizard of Oz, but I always liked this one line review:
Transported to a surrealistic landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.
Here – the ultimate collection of Battlefield Earth reviews.
I’ve always proposed that the fourth movie in the series should have been called Batman and Robbin’ me of 2 hours of my life.
I’m impressed that the #1 movie this week has an 8% rating on rottentomatoes. There have to be some quality one liners in there.
Starship trouper bugs the hell out of me.
(Paraphraising someone else) Highlander 2, there should have been only one.
A Sound of Thunder should have been called A Sound of Blunder.
Deep Impact: Go, comet, go!
Elizabethtown: What the fuck Cameron Crowe?
Daredevil: Justice is blind because it saw this movie and clawed its own eyes out.
I don’t know what film it was , but a few years ago, the Chicago Tribune had several high school students working as film reviewers for the paper. One comment that cracked me up went along the lines of …" I wouldn’t use this film to whip my dog for peeing on the carpet". 
Mona Lisa Smile: Funny, I didn’t remember this many woman in Dead Poets Society.
and the Philadelphia Daily News on The Master of Disguise…
and the globe and mail on Swept Away…
and the Philadelphia Enquirer on From Justin to Kelly…
and lastly the Globe and Mail on Fear Dot Com…
These are a few of my favorites.
I didn’t come up with this one (I think it was some online reviewer), but it’s always been a favorite:
Species: Feces.
I like another ebert review from I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie:
“<i>Lake Placid</i> is the sort of movie that forms the basis for long, sad talks between actors and their agents.”
My own contribution:
To judge from their movies, many Skinamax directors plot out their movies on cocktail napkins that very quickly become illegible blobs.
Here’s my review for Lost in Translation
This movie was very effective at conveying emotion: the characters were bored throughout, and so was I.
Forrest Gump proves that you don’t have to be intelligent to make history. Or movies.
Eyes Wide Shut offers what only a truly great director could: the most disappointing movie ever.
When I told a friend I was about to go see Hannibal, he said something like, “Bring a towel to the theater, because once the projector starts, you’ll be covered in shit.” He was right, too.
This is an older movie, maybe early 90s, with Jessica Lange, wherein her husband is killed in some freak accident.
Men Don’t Leave - Men don’t leave in this movie, but apparently they blow up.