Why must virtual penis comparisons be so flippin’ rampant?
Whether it’s here on the boards, or in real life, it seems I (the royal I - we - whatever) cannot make any sort of statement without some testosterone junkie telling me how much better he is at it.
Example: Talking to a cow-orker, I told him that I parked at the Park-N-Ride and walked the half-mile to work. I do this for two reasons, 1) it’s free to park there, and B) I need the exercise.
What is the immediate response? “Oh, there’s a better place to park that I know about, let me clue you in, you wretched excuse for a man.”
It doesn’t stop there. My shampoo is inferior. The way I use the keyboard more than the mouse is inefficient. The condiments I choose on my sandwiches apparently don’t scream “Marlboro Country” or something.
And then there is the coup de gras … that eternal yardstick of true masculinity … how long it takes one to drive from point A to point B. Oh my aching colon, I can’t tell you fucking aggravating that is.
Me: Yeah, I drove up to Sunday River to go skiing.
Neanderthal 1: Yeah? How long did it take you?
Me: About 3 hours.
Neanderthal 1: Three hours? Were you pushing your car? I make it there in two hours easy.
Neanderthal 2: Two hours? I hate going that slow. I get there in one hour.
Neanderthal 3: One hour? You pussy. It usually takes me 15 minutes.
Neanderthal 4: Hike up your skirts, girls. I always get there a half an hour before I leave, because my cock is so huge that it shatters the very laws of physics.
Et cetera.
Try this. Walk to any gathering of men. I don’t care where. The gym or the geek lab, makes no difference. Announce that you once drove from Boston to Florida in two days. I guarantee, as sure as Baby Bob gets cancelled, some yutz will open his mouth …
“Pshhh. That’s nothing …”
He will then go on to tell you how he once drove from Istanbul, Turkey to Lima, Peru in 23 hours non-stop, eating only Cheetos from vending machines, and pissing in empty Bud bottle on the way to save time.
To paraphrase some stereotypical Nazi interrogator from a movie I’ve probably never actually seen …
“Ve are not impressed.”
