One-Upmanship -- Or: Jack's Pointless Pit Rant.

Why must virtual penis comparisons be so flippin’ rampant?

Whether it’s here on the boards, or in real life, it seems I (the royal I - we - whatever) cannot make any sort of statement without some testosterone junkie telling me how much better he is at it.

Example: Talking to a cow-orker, I told him that I parked at the Park-N-Ride and walked the half-mile to work. I do this for two reasons, 1) it’s free to park there, and B) I need the exercise.

What is the immediate response? “Oh, there’s a better place to park that I know about, let me clue you in, you wretched excuse for a man.”

It doesn’t stop there. My shampoo is inferior. The way I use the keyboard more than the mouse is inefficient. The condiments I choose on my sandwiches apparently don’t scream “Marlboro Country” or something.

And then there is the coup de gras … that eternal yardstick of true masculinity … how long it takes one to drive from point A to point B. Oh my aching colon, I can’t tell you fucking aggravating that is.

Me: Yeah, I drove up to Sunday River to go skiing.
Neanderthal 1: Yeah? How long did it take you?
Me: About 3 hours.
Neanderthal 1: Three hours? Were you pushing your car? I make it there in two hours easy.
Neanderthal 2: Two hours? I hate going that slow. I get there in one hour.
Neanderthal 3: One hour? You pussy. It usually takes me 15 minutes.
Neanderthal 4: Hike up your skirts, girls. I always get there a half an hour before I leave, because my cock is so huge that it shatters the very laws of physics.

Et cetera.

Try this. Walk to any gathering of men. I don’t care where. The gym or the geek lab, makes no difference. Announce that you once drove from Boston to Florida in two days. I guarantee, as sure as Baby Bob gets cancelled, some yutz will open his mouth …

“Pshhh. That’s nothing …”
He will then go on to tell you how he once drove from Istanbul, Turkey to Lima, Peru in 23 hours non-stop, eating only Cheetos from vending machines, and pissing in empty Bud bottle on the way to save time.

To paraphrase some stereotypical Nazi interrogator from a movie I’ve probably never actually seen …

“Ve are not impressed.”

I could have written a much wittier rant than that…

Sorry, you knew someone had to do it. But I loved Neanderthal #4. That will tickle me all day.

That is the funniest thing I have seen all week. I give your rant an 11.5 out of 10 based on that alone. The Neanderthal’s cock is so huge it shatters the 10-point ceiling, too! :smiley:

No kidding, Skerri.

I once ranted about this very topic in one sentence. Does your skirt help you rant much, Jack Batty?

Guys really do that? How incredibly frustrating that must be. I’m pretty non-competitive, but it still gets my goat a little when people act like they have beat me at something when I wasn’t even competing. Yes. Yes, you beat me. And I wasn’t even trying. How impressive you are.

If we’re going to do comical one-upmanship, we need to renew the Bill Brasky thread, tragically lost during the winter of disconnect.

Meantime, you call that a rant? You pussified tree-hugging Alan Alda/Ed Begley love child, I could write better rants blindfolded except when that happens, I’m too busy nailing my kinky supermodel girlfriend.

Jack, but do you make people sick with your huge dick?

I do…

Zette :wink:

I need to get in on the act - I didn’t realize how much I was missing!


You call that shopping?? My tits are so huge, I busted right through the line and was out of there in 20sec!

Just watch me with the guys. They can sense a woman with a long Fallopian tube, bay-be.