So I’ve been out of the mix for awhile (though never very active) and are recently trying out a dating app. The issue at hand is this: I’m currently living with my mother, partly for financial reasons, partly because we really get along and I hate to think of her being alone. I’m 46. Is this generally a dealbreaker, and how to I tell folks? Just let them k is up front? I know there’s a stigma against the middle-aged person living at home, but how real is it?
In the “Ask a Manager” column there was a similar, though work-related question. One recommended approach was to say that your mother is living with you (in other words, the reverse of what you’ve described), so that you are, in essence, providing a service to your mom rather than vice versa.
Some of the readers’ comments might provide some useful info as well.
I think the stigma is pretty real. It’s not really the first choice for most people and they’ll wonder. In reality you’re just caring and “broke”. Caring is good (to a degree) and being “broke” is something most people can relate to. I think a lot of people would be cool with it, once they understand your situation.
Maybe make it a conversation starter in your profile:
Two truths and a lie:
- I love snakes
- I hate chocolate
- I live at home with my mom
Guess which and i’ll buy the first drink.
Then it’s out there and you have something to chat about. If that scares some off, well, they weren’t really a match to begin with.
Good luck
Just my opinion (having never dated online), learning that someone lived with their Mom might prevent me from reaching out to them after reading their profile (might - I can imagine profiles where I’d be too interested to care.) I think if I had someone sitting in front of me on a first date, who told me that they lived with their Mom, it wouldn’t necessarily be a dealbreaker. It could even be a conversation opener. IOW I’d wait until you have your foot in the door.
I should clarify-I do have a pretty decent job right now, it’s just not enough to live on presently. I get an annual (tiny) raise, so hopefully that will change.
Living with Mom because you are caring for her because she can’t live on her own is tough because you potentially won’t have time to put into a relationship. Living with Mom because you can’t afford to live on your own is going to be a deal breaker for a giant percentage of the dating population if you are over around 30. These are the cold facts.
It’s not like you have to disclose every single detail on your dating profile but this is a big one. People are going to be annoyed to say the least to find that out after meeting. Best to put it on your profile in a clever way, like the two truths and a lie suggested a couple of posts up.
I believe the OP is hetero male. This is one thread where those sorts of details matter. I apologize in advance if I’ve guessed / assumed / remembered wrong. I did check your profile for pronouns before posting. Assuming I’ve got that crucial detail correct the following may be useful. If I’ve got it wrong, the following may be totally wasted typing …
I’m a guy who’s never online-dated. My wife of a couple years now was single for a couple decades and used online dating extensively during that time, even through COVID. We got connected the old fashioned way; we were friends in long-ago grad school who stayed in distant touch all those years. Then my first wife died and … here we are.
Anyhow, I’ve learned a bit about one highly experienced woman’s POV on online dating. In her view, she’s not gonna have a relationship with somebody she can’t have sex with and she can’t do that at your Mom’s house. Or at “your house” where your Mom lives too. Unless Mom is real good at leaving home for hours at a time in the evening, and probably not even then. And she’s sure as shit not letting you come to her house; that’s waay too dangerous if/when the relationship ends. And for 99% of relationships it’s when, not if.
Neither wife nor I know much about the dating situation at the shallow end of the economic pool where everybody on both sides is scraping by. But that can’t be helpful since it sure limits what sorts of entertainments and gifts fit in the dating scene. OTOH, somebody who’s suffering the same level of economic challenges in their life will “get it”. Whether they’re willing to accept it is a different matter. Women especially seem to want a man who’s at least as good an earner as they are. The farther down the food chain you are, the fewer women there are who’re even farther down.
Based on people who used to work for me years ago I suspect a lot of cohabitations start when one or the other party to a blossoming relationship suffers a job setback, a rent increase, or whatever and what had been dating turns into roommates with benefits hopefully on the way to committed BF/GF. Two can live together for about 60%-75% the money of two living separately.
You can certainly see how having Mom in the middle of that potential transaction is unlikely to fly.
Here’s a different take:
OP, assume you meet somebody and you two hit it off. You two decide you want to cohabit with one another and let’s assume the economics are doable for you two.
Are you willing to move out of your/Mom’s current place and leave her alone? Can she afford that? Can her health and personal capabilities handle that?
You’re right on the pronouns-I just haven’t gotten around to putting’em in my profile yet. And you do raise good questions to which I don’t yet have answers. Must ponder.
I should think, in a world where housing is remarkably unaffordable and wildly unavailable, seemingly in cities everywhere, that there would be a building understanding that there simply aren’t housing options out there for lots and lots of folks. In that instance, moving in with parents makes more sense than spending such a big chunk on housing that everything else is a struggle.
Opinions may vary, but being a wage slave sounds orders worse than rooming with parents for a time to me.
In the six years between when my previous wife died and when I met my current wife, I did a LOT of online dating. But I don’t live with a parent and never dated anyone who (to my knowledge) did either, so I can’t address this situation from personal experience. But I will say that I would advise you not to put this information in your profile, and I would also not advise any cutesy “two truths and lie” type riddles in your profile either. Both of those things are going to scare away potential matches who might be willing to accept your living situation after they get to know you better. As an example of a much smaller issue, I deliberately did not mention in my profile that I have pet rats. I didn’t want someone to react “Yuck, rats?!?” and stop reading there. In almost all cases, the next step after reading each others’ profiles and having a few text exchanges is to have a phone conversation. In that conversation you should evaluate the person and decide if you want to progress to meeting in person and decide if you feel you should reveal your living situation during the call or after you meet. Framing it as your mom is living with you so you can take care of her seems better than “I live with my mom”.
I will agree with LSLGuy that it is going to be challenging to develop a relationship in a situation where the two of you can’t be alone in your house. I disagree that most women won’t invite you their house; that’s not been my experience, although of course many women won’t have you at their house until you’ve had a few dates. I think it’s important for you to do some thinking about how you imagine things would work at various stages of a relationship – first few dates, first sexual encounter, after dating for 3 or 4 months, etc. and have a clear idea of how the logistics of all this will work given your living situation, so you can guide thiings in that direction.
One thing you’ll have to realize is that your dating pool will be small. It’s going to be a deal breaker for a lot of people, but not necessarily everyone. Don’t keep it a secret and waste a lot of time chatting with someone who drops you as soon as they find out. Be up front about it so you filter those people out right away.
Are you only allowed one dating profile? You could do both: admit it in one, do not admit it in the other, and see what the difference is and how each approach works out.
Speaking as somebody who has never been in the on-line dating market (you may have guessed by my question), sorry if what I wrote is absurd.
I cannot see why you can’t have sex with Mom in the house. You have your own room and it is perfectly reasonable to take your date up there even without sex. Mom can conjecture but unless she is stupid, she will keep her silence.
I remember the first time my son brought his fiancée to our house and we asked him one room or two. At first they said two, but after spending the first day of their visit (and she was feeling more comfortable with us), they asked if they could change their minds!
I don’t have that sort of relationship with my mother, thank you. Sorry, I’m feeling a little silly. Thanks for your reply, and I get what you’re saying.
You’re all quite right that it will take some preparation and practice to find out the best way to share this situation with possible partners.
I did some online dating, and it’s how I met my wife. I did not get tons of responses, but I wasn’t really wanting that either.
What I really liked about online dating is that you can sort out the deal breakers before even meeting. I knew I wanted kids in the not-too-distant future. So putting that out there, and not looking any further at profiles of people who don’t want kids was great. You can make sure you’re not spending time getting attached to someone that you are fundamentally incompatible with.
So, to buck the trend, I’d say put it out there. Talk about it positively, talk about whether you want to continue living where you live, or if you’re saving up for a house, or a backpacking trip across Europe, or just don’t care about making money and having material things, so you’re doing what leaves you free to pursue your real passion…etc.
I think the biggest stigma is that guys who live with their mothers past a certain age are man-boys who’ve never become adults, expect a woman to take care of them, and don’t have money because they aren’t working. So, if that’s not your deal, I think it would be good to get the real story out there.
I happily dated a wonderful fellow from online who lived with his mother. His mom had had a stroke and needed a lot of help maintaining the house and yard, doctor appts, making sure the O2 bottles were ready, etc. So he moved back home to help, it was a large house, and his daughter and young grandson could come over and all hang out. Didn’t bother me at all. It showed he had character. And I considered it a plus that they all got along so well.
He told me his situation after we’d been communicating for a bit. It wasn’t in his ad.
I likely would not have answered the ad if I’d known that he lived with his mother ahead of time.
I’d advise not putting it in your ad. Be clear about it in communication, though.
I really like what @needscoffee just said.
Leave it out of your written profile, but have an (honest) way to make it a positive no later than the second date.
Thankfully Mom doesn’t need too much help right now, but that can of course change very quickly, and we did have a cancer scare a few years back. She actually didn’t want me to get “saddled” with taking care of me, since we knew what that would entail. She’s concerned about stairs as she gets older, too.
no first hand experience, but quite a bit of secondary feedback:
it seems you are - dating-wise - in a tough spot:
a.) men outnumber women on dating apps by a wide margin
b.) allowing women to cherry-pick profiles - and hop from new profile to new profile like a bee between flowers → ghosting seems to be quite endemic on dating apps … why, well b/c a “better” profile came up
c.) living with your mother really is an objective downer (red-flag?) for lots of women … you might entertain the thought to tailor your profile to Latina women (if you don’t object) - as that is - culturally speaking - way more compatible then say in europe - hence not as “odd/out of line” for them
On my phone the first line of the post ended at Mom and I was concerned for a second.