I personally would definately meet someone for coffee after 2-3 emails. If I had any questions about his lifestyle, I would have asked by that point. I’m not comfortable exchanging chatty converstation-style emails with someone I’ve never met in person, I’d be more confortable to just sit and talk with them across the table with me. With emails, I’ll spend 20 mintutes writing something and trying to make it sound personal, but in that time I could have gone downtown and found the Starbucks. YMMV.
Another vote for “just ask”.
If you’ve been following any of a number of recent threads by me, you’ll now that I’ve entered the dating world recently after an 11+ year marriage. All of my dating started as an internet meet of some sort, either via a dating site or via a Craig’s list posting.
I corrected “ad” to “posting” - makes me feel like less a piece of meat on display than a some sort of personal connection. IMO, though, you’re really are selling yourself, just as much as in a job interview. Anyway…
I’d give it a some time, it varies by person and degree of communication. There was one girl that just didn’t seem to be able to put much of her personality into her text. F2F was almost necessary to really meet her personality.
Another was fabulous in writing but obviously wanted to start slowly. So, I offer no guidelines on when to suggest F2F meets. You’ll know when you know.
Then, yes, you have to grow a pair and it’s hard. You’re risking rejection after all and who wants that? Ask her gently, don’t assult her with too much “time and place” stuff in the initial question:
“It’s been great chatting with you online. Do you think it’s time for the infamous coffee meeting?”
“I’ve really enjoyed our conversations so far, do you think you’d like to meet for lunch sometime”.
Lunch. Coffee. Short meeting at first, gives both of you an out if the F2F just doesn’t click. Have in mind an after-the-meet activity if you really hit it off. Know where the nearest park is - go take a walk. Keep it light, keep it public, keep it to places that don’t make her feel confined or trapped.
You both meet at the coffee shop independently, don’t suggest picking her up, she may not be comfortable having a relative stranger knowing where she lives.
Acknowlege that you know that it’s brave of her to meet a relative stranger if needed, let her know that you want her to feel comfortable. Don’t suggest a ride in your car to someplace after lunch, suggest the place and ask how she’d like to get there - she may not feel comfortable being trapped in your car.
Just be a bit brave and suggest something. Don’t overplan or overthink it. If she doesn’t want to meet F2F, then she’ll tell you and usually tell you why. If it’s simply “too early”, then keep up the conversation. If it’s that she doesn’t feel the spark or just wants to be friends, then it’s better for you to know that now than later, when you’ve got more of yourself invested.
OK, I’m getting preachy so I’ll just leave it here. Just be a bit brave, be friendly, not stalkerish, make sure she’s got an escape route that’s her option the whole time.
Good Luck
Remember, the supposed reason this female hu-mon is on a “dating” site is that she supposedly desires to date male hu-mons. So asking for a date isn’t presumptous, it’s what you’re both there for. Now, she might not be someone you personally would want to date, you might not be someone she wants to date, but both of you want to date. So if she doesn’t actually want to date but rather has other reasons for being on a dating site (she’s married, 14, male, in prison, whatever), or if she wants to date but not date YOU, you want to find this out and cross her off your list as soon as possible.
So, take a tip from this old SNL skit:
This is something else that I meant to address. Women like confident men (not to be confused with arrogant.) For most first dates, I will do all of the planning. It will be like, “Let’s get dinner. I know a couple of great places. Do you prefer sushi or Italian?”
Yeah, I know all about women’s liberation and redefining of gender roles and blah blah blah and you want to be a modern thinking man and blah blah blah. Look, I support all of that and I don’t want society to go back to Leave it to Beaver. That said, most women, in my experience, want the man to take charge at first, if not always. When you take charge, you risk screwing up but when you don’t you aren’t going to get many chances to screw up in the first place. Dating is a numbers game plain and simple. The current love of my life and I slogged through countless first dates until we were lucky enough to finally find each other.
Exactly and not just before the first date. After more than one first date I was told if you want to go out again, you’re going to have to call me.
Oddly enough my current girlfriend asked me out first. I would have asked her out relatively soon but she got to me first. She later confessed that it was totally out of character for her to do that.