I was in contact with this girl I met on an online dating site a few months ago and we had a few brief conversations. Well, I went on vacation for a week (two months ago), but when I came back I just sort of left her hanging and never responded to her last email. Yeah, I’m lame. I don’t know why I did that, guess I sort of forgot about her/lost interest in trying online dating anymore.
Well, a few days ago I logged back in and saw that she was on my “recently stalked list,” which means she had been checking out my profile. Then I felt like a douche for never responding.
So now I want to contact her again, but I don’t know how to explain the two-month leave, or if it’s even worth it at this point. Suggestions?
She’ll be acutely aware of the lapse in communication once you contact her again, so I’d suggest you start off your message with a quick apology for not writing in a while - you went on vacation and then got pretty busy for a few weeks after you last talked.
I’d also make sure and ask if anything new is going on with her - a clear opportunity to let you know if she’s actually not interested because she’s been talking to someone else.
assume forgiveness for your absence… but offer apology… saves dignity for both of you… (Wow, my life’s been busy of late… nice to see that you remember me…)
Leave the ball in her court (get back to me when you can) in a manner that is neither intrusive or assumptive - respect the fact that time has pased for her… (hope things have being going well for you)
Be open, but non committal (Get back to me soon, we could meet for coffee)
basically give her the ability to post a nuetral message in response… it the only courteous thing to do in response
Don’t beat up on yourself too much. People who use dating services have to realize that they’re but one fish in the sea. You’re talking to A, you seem to be making a connection, and then poof you’re gone. Why? Maybe you met B, hit it off, and A gets demoted. Later, when you and B can’t work it out, you’re back and looking, and remember what a great person A is.
FML’s suggestion sounds about right. In general the less you say, the better…she’ll assume there was some bump in the road. The competing women aside, it could be that work got crazy, you had a death in the family, whatever. It doesn’t matter and she probably won’t ask, so don’t weave any elaborate lies. Either she’ll accept a renewal of the conversation or she won’t.
At this point I would evaluate how much you like her and how willing you are to continue. You let it go for two months, so it sounds like she doesn’t rock your world. You might keep right on not contacting her, not give her false hope, not invest time in something that’s going nowhere. Simply letting it go wasn’t a great dismount, but it will suffice if you’ve determined that you’re not interested.
Or maybe you’re thinking you’d like to have coffee, explore it further before deciding. Or you’d like to keep it going but frame it as platonic. Just be fair and realize that you’ve already used your “get out of jail free” card here.
I went on a couple dates with a gal right before my knee surgery, and then didn’t really contact her for a month. When I was ready to start getting out of the house, I called her up, but she was already seeing somebody else. I randomly sent her a text on Thursday, and it all worked out in the end; we had dinner and drinks on Saturday. Good luck, dude.
I agree with this. I would be pretty annoyed if a guy tried to pretend like the absence had not happened, so make sure you acknowledge you goofed and apologize.
Whether you say so or not, she’ll probably suspect the lapse was because you met another woman and she might suspect that you’re coming back only because that didn’t work out. That is how I tended to view it when this happened back when I was single and on dating sites.
Thanks all for the responses…too bad most of them came after I emailed her. But on the plus side, all your posts seem to say pretty much the same thing, which is what I did, so yay!
So, she got back to me pretty quick. Her opening line? “Finally…” Yeah, I deserved it.
Aside from that, everything sounded fine. She asked how my vacation was, and so on and so forth. So we’ll see what happens.
That’s good news, but you aren’t out of the woods yet. Now you have to keep an eye peeled for residual effects. Like if you’re on a date a month from now, and she’s still throwing this back in your face, that’s fatal.
I wouldn’t fault her if, given the two months of silence, she passed on dating you. But if she still wants to pursue something, it’s on her to forgive and forget. If she can’t do that, don’t bother with her.
ETA @Alice: you forgot to mention that when he IMs her at 2 AM, he should ask what she’s wearing.
Tell her that a division in your company in New Jersey is having trouble and that your company sent you there to get them out of it. It took a couple months of reorganizing…hiring/firing and all that to get it ship shape again. It came up pretty suddenly and was a great opportunity…and swallowed up all your time.
If it were me you were courting (and it is not), I wouldn’t bother. Being unavailable to spend time online for a while etc. with a note of explanation if fine; simply neglecting to continue an ongoing conversation with no note of explanation is unacceptably rude. I think even strangers you aren’t attracted to are owed some level of consideration, and I would personally feel that your behavior was telling.
I have done plenty of online dating (that is how I met my current SO, so I can tell you it works!) and I had a similar thing happen to me once, only I was the one being contacted after about a month hiatus. My response was to tell him that, although he was nice, he obviously just wasn’t that into me. I thanked him for taking the time to contact me but sent him on his way. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him but honestly if he couldn’t be arsed to contact me for an entire month I had no interest in him. It was the cyber dating equivalent of a booty call. “Well, I don’t really like you enough to keep talking to you but if there is a chance of getting laid I want to take it.”
The woman you contacted may feel the same way, so be ready for that. If she welcomes the conversation and a chance to go out with you be absolutely certian that you don’t fuck up again for a while. Be on time, call her when you say you are going to call her, etc. Understand that you already have a black mark on your record and you now have to work that much harder to win her affections.
I went on a couple dates with a gal right before my knee surgery, and then didn’t really contact her for a month. When I was ready to start getting out of the house, I called her up, but she was already seeing somebody else. I randomly sent her a text on Thursday, and it all worked out in the end; we had dinner and drinks on Saturday. Good luck, dude.
