I guess I’m hoping that there are high-maintenance, high drama-quotient women who at least are self-aware enough to recognize that she and I wouldn’t be a good match, and so not bother yanking my chain. I will often downplay my steady, medium-high income level, for example, to ward off golddiggers who will end up disappointed in the quantity of jewelry and travel they will be getting from me, and this is the emotional equivalent. I like a drink before dinner, for example, but when I went out with a woman who yammered on and on about ONLY drinking single-blend, mega-expensive Scotch, and travelling great distances to find a bar with plenty such options, I suddenly developed an aversion to drinking entirely, and asked for the check at the first opportunity.
The Logic Puzzle
The person whose profile photographs all contain multiple people. You can figure out which one represents the profile owner by looking at all of them carefully and spotting the one person who appears in all of them. It’s like “Where’s Waldo” with frosted hair instead of stripey hats.
I Had One-Fifth of a Boyfriend!
Yes, your photos make it quite clear that at some point you were in a relationship with at least a person’s shoulder and arm. You would seem less attached if there was a photo where you were … less attached.
The Worn-Out Afghan
“I just want someone who will always be there for me, who is comfortable with who I am …who will be fine just sitting on the couch and watching my favorite shows with me…” In other words, a person whose profile seems to be looking for someone they’ve already been married to for 20 years rather than an interesting date.
Huh, I’ve Never Seen a Tampon Dispenser in a Men’s Room Before
The profile that’s been put up with the wrong gender. And stays that way. For months. I’ve seen this all the time and I have to wonder why they never seem to notice. Or, you know, see themselves when searching for women in their area. Another reason to date close to your age group, pal.
Newton’s Law of Dating
The tuxedo/blue jeans conundrum taken to an extreme: someone whose profile is a string of opposites that they embody, to the point where rather than sounding well-rounded they seem slightly crazy. I understand that you might be “just as comfortable” drinking moonshine at a demolition derby as chatting in Italian at the Metropolitan Opera production of Wozzeck, but I’ll bet you’re actually more comfortable at just one of those things. And who the hell is “comfortable” in a tuxedo? A banquet waiter?
The Deliberately Eclectic
The person who, when listing his or her favorite movies, tv shows, music, or books, makes a list that contains almost all high-brow or obscure stuff, but at about two-thirds through the list, includes something incredibly fluffy, low-brow, and popular, such as Britney Spears or Dumb and Dumber.
“I’m looking for a girl with a sense of humor.” U-hu. Well, senses of humor are like opinions: everybody has one, but it may not match yours.
Bond.
James Bond.
All posts that say things like “No drama!” “Must not be chronically unemployable,” or “Don’t rape me, then throw my body in a Dumpster” roughly translate me, “I have never had any standards for myself, or a healthy relationship with a normal person, and am completely undateable.” Saves you a lot of time, though, right?
There are plenty of straight folks who won’t date bisexuals (out of fear/ignorance*), so it makes sense to me that the same bias would exist in the gay community.
*Though, to be fair, there are plenty of gay folks who aren’t ready to identify as gay so they ease their way out of the closet by first saying they’re bisexual. My experience has been that actual bisexuality is pretty rare, therefore a certain wariness can be understandable. When I say “fear/ignorance,” I mean in the face of someone who is genuinely bisexual.
The funny thing about “no drama” is how universal it is. It doesn’t just show up in personals, but also in community advertisements across the internet. And it always, always means the same thing: “We’re horrifically prone to drama, and despite paying lip service to the concept of getting along, you can bet things will explode within a month.”
I feel rather pleased that thus far, my own online profile hasn’t fallen into any of these tropes/cliches.
Spiritual But Not Religious
This is a phrase that doesn’t exist outside of Internet dating. It seems to cover a range from “chickenshit atheist” to “believer but too lazy to actually go to church” to that crossroads where yoga, Ayurvedic medicine, sweat lodges, crystals, Kabala, and female Catholic saints all come together at the religion yard sale.
I Am Looking for My Soulmate
Also known as “I Am To Confused or Lazy to Figure Out What I Like In a Person.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve seen drama tolerated or encouraged in a WoW guild that advertised itself as being drama-free or anti-drama… Heh.
Heh. I remember a million years ago (by which I mean 6 or 7) when I was single and was trying (I think) Yahoo Personals, I kept seeing that crap popping up left and right, and recall being annoyed by how completely asinine the phrase was. I came across a profile that was moderately amusing, and in it somewhere read “Please do not message me if you describe yourself as spiritual but not religious.” Ha! So I messaged him, and we went out a few times. Good stuff.
I thought everyone knew this… but half of those girls aren’t actually bisexual girls. They’re men pretending to be bisexual girls in the hope that they can con actual girls into sending them nudie pics.
The flipside of this is the “I didn’t write anything” girl, whose profile consists of the absolute bare minimum text that she could get away with. Her “About me” section probably includes a comment to the effect that writing about herself is hard. It might be possible to infer something about her life from her photos, but if not, there’s nothing there.
Often accompanied by the intro, “I don’t usually do this, but my friends talked me into it…”
So, no ability to make independent choices, eh?
Don’t know what to call it, but: “The Woman Terrified That This Is All About Sex” cliche.
You know, the profiles that protest about looking for friends, nothing serious, see what develops, etc. all under the implication that if the man replying is even thinking about having sex with someone in under 60 dates they’re a slime-ridden bastard, and perhaps even a serial rapist to boot.
If the number of women who have this in their profiles is indicative of the attitude of the larger population, no one would ever have sex, ever, and the human race would die out in a generation.
Ladies, we get it-- you don’t want creepy guys interested only in sex. But most women do want men interested in sex, eventually, right? That’s kind of the whole point, or at least half the point, of dating in the first place.
The male equivalent being “The Man Terrified That This Is All About Marriage.”
(Good one!)
Those aren’t quite equivalent. While men seeking no-strings-attached sex might be exploitation for one night, women seeking marriage is exploitation for a lifetime.
I always thought that one meant, “I believe in Jesus, but I also like to fuck.”
They’re exactly the same. Any “exploitation” would necessarily be entered into by both parties, thereby negating that term, and in the meantime you have people who are so terrified that they’re going to be contacted by someone who doesn’t want what they want that they have focused their entire profiles on “scaring off” that person. Not to mention the fact that they both tar entire genders with the same brush (different brushes for each gender).
I found this about seven years ago, and rediscovered it a couple of months ago when I was doing some housecleaning on the PC. I’ve seen the “Me: [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word]. You: [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word], [word].” format in a lot of feminist-oriented WSW and BiWSM ads, for some reason.
Also, nobody mentioned the Ebony Queen, the black WSM with the very Afrocentric ad; “Nubian princess seeking her African prince”, references to “keeping it real”, loaded with black pop culture references, something about God or Jesus, “must have a job and car”, and including the obligatory “NO WHITE MEN”.