Open letter to my brother & family

The BBQ Pit
1

This letter is addressed to my incestuous brother, philippe and to my family for the position they chose to adopt upon learning of it.

I have carried the weight of fear, silence and protecting your sorry, worthless, arrogant, self-deluded ass for 20 years directly and indirectly. You have imprinted me with the knowledge, at 14 years old, that trust, is another word in the vocabulary, you used me, destroyed caring, confidence in myself and landed the knowledge that the only value I have is being an object of sexual gratification, it is not an idea I have sitting between my two ears, it is knowledge.

The ramification of consequences not only apply at relationships with men but socially also. I would have wanted the chance of having the self confidence necessary to achieve higher studies and make something of myself had I chosen it. Instead, that same year I was diagnosed epileptic with all the restrictions and the side effects of the medication with entailed reduced faculties, and BTW, the neurologist arrived at the conclusion that the condition was not produced by anything physical (i.e. lesion) but was trigered by an emotional shock! That’s for starters!

At 20 after unsuccessfully being able to keep a job, I started the only job that I thought I could keep and brought a very good income without formal education and served admirably well my vision of life and men in general. I became a stripper and revealed to be good at it, which I did for 15 years. During that time I went through 3 detoxication cures because of substance abuse problems (drugs and alcohol) always having the underlying feeling and not being consciously aware why I felt “beside myself” on a continual basis, and generally feeling angy and that my very existence was worthless.

I felt like a creature, not like a woman who could entertain the idea of having one day a loving husband and perhaps children (which I can’t have because the medication I’m on for my epilepsy has the side effect, for a small percentage of women, to give birth to malformed foetuses, and would you know I happen to be in this percentage.)

I have finally the luck of having a very loving and caring SO who has compassion and patience and that I hate putting through indirectly, lack of trust and bouts of irrational anger. I have spent over $5,000.00 in personnal therapy trying to regain what you have stolen from me! You might think that amount of money is chicken feed and by many standards it isn’t much, in the context of being on medical social welfare ($695.00/month) it IS a lot of money. You remember our last conversation? That you couldn’t afford to pay at least for half of the cost of the therapy and that you told me that I’ve always been weak and that you have moved on. How convenient it must be for a sexual offender to “hapilly” skip along the road of life knowing that the welfare he enjoys out of life is only due because he can AGAIN shield himself behind his probably unsuspecting wife and children. The temptation to bring this to court and have you pay your dues has been great, but I am not angry at your wife and I don’t have proof that you are a threat to your daughter’s safety.

I do not have the luxury of denial contrarily to you and the rest of the family, so I just want you to be aware that the only reason you haven’t been braught to justice is because your wife and children are innocent in this and since I have no proof that you are abusing your daughter, I will not involve Child Protection just to satisfy my wrath. But the instant I so much as have the tinge of a doubt, I will speak up.

I was going to press charges, but my therapist made me realize that in most cases it’s very hard to get a conviction, since these events happened more than 25 years ago.

I am not helpless and naive I am a woman who carries her scars and has very little to lose where you are concerned so consider the implication of my position.

I am moving on however painfully and slowly on the road to recovery. I do not need to be noble about my motives and I do not need to pretend and maintain especially to myself the lie that there is something to salvage that includes my family and how they choose to see me as pitiful, and a social outcast who should be put under the “protection”:rolleyes: of the state.

I don’t need to forgive you, but I need to learn to let go so that the cord can be cut and that I can be free.

I will be changing my last name and cutting all ties with my so-called family.

I just needed to let this out in the open so that I could move on.

2

No way. Sue him.

3

Yeah. If nothing else, it’ll embarass the shit out of your lousy excuses for parents. They won’t be able to parade around in the grocery store playing The Stepfords anymore, that’s for damn sure.

4

My mother died the same year it happened after a long battle with cancer, in and out of the hospital. My father died 2 years ago.

I have considered suing, but since survivors of incest have been coming out only recently, therapists treating this problem are few and far between, and the legal system has but a few cases to base themselves on to make the necessary changes in the law to make the attempt of prosecution a success.

Clearly my other brothers would not support me in this. (They are the ones who think I should have myself declared incompetent and put myself under care of the state)

Going through the trauma and time and energy is a big gamble considering the odds of success. And I think it would be even more devastating to have the courts absolve him for lack of evidence than to just sever all ties.

I know this is not the perfect solution, but in such situations, there rarely are.

5

freya,
For what it’s worth, my heart goes out to you. Yours is a classic case of “blame the victim”. Oppressors are artists at this tactic. One thing you may want to consider is making your sister-in-law aware of your brother’s past. It is my understanding that pedophiles rarely recover without extensive therapy, and you don’t want your brother to ruin yet another life.

I think it is wonderful that you have persisted in working with therapists and fighting to overcome the terrible traumas you have had to endure. Family is supposed to be the basis of a person’s seccurity. When family is as hurtful as your family has been, it is understandable that it takes one hell of alot of time and effort to overcome it. I commend you for your persistence and wish you all of the best in the future.

6

Hairy Potter,

I agree that warning my SIL is the ethical thing to do. If I warn her by calling on the phone, philippe will quite probably lie to save his ass if she confronts him and could sue me for difamation of caracter. There is no witness it’s his word against mine, the only other person that was told was my father by the psychiatrist that was treating me at 19 years old and even then I do not recal telling him, it’s been so long, my father is dead, so is the psychiatrist. I do not know if my brothers would back me up, they only have my word on what has happened and it seems they have taken the position of avoiding the discomfort and ugliness of it. I would have to have a damn good therapist that can give a strong diagnosis in court to show that I display every symptom of an incest victim.

Thank you for your support, and kind words.

7

freya,

I understand what you are saying, and I trust that you know your family situation and the dangers associated with any actions taken against them. Again, I commend you for your determination and perseverence against this horrible trauma. Being abused by family has got to be one of the the most difficult traumas that a human being can possibly face. One’s whole basis for personhood is derived from one’s family environment. When that family environment is sick, it is terribly difficult to establish a healthy perspective of self and of one’s rights and values. You must be a very remarkable person to have progressed so far. I greatly admire anyone who keeps plugging away, even when the world and life seem impossible or incomprehensible.

8

You say he has children of his own–do you worry he may be doing to them what he did to you? Have you ever told the child protection agency what has happened? Even if you choose to not file a police report or take him to court, those children could be living the same nightmare you were in.

9

freya

Welcome to the Straight Dope Message Board family. I hope you find us to be more worthy of the title than the ones you are leaving behind, and I hope your time spent here proves therapeutic.

10

Morstish,
I do worry about them, blowing the whistle to Child Protection requires stronger evidence and I don’t know about the legal system where you live,but here often enough it’s jumping from the frying pan into the fire. The support group I attend recommend that I be far enough in the process of recovery to even begin considering making a move in this direction, should I chose to pursue this avenue and fail it could prove to be another shock and serious setback in the process of recovery and that is not an obtion I am willing and can at this point risk, I have put too much energy and what little financial means I have into recovery to risk falling into severe depression and lose what I have gained and that is precious. I would have to be in personal therapy (1/1) with a psychotherapist who specializes in incest survivor which I do not have access to (they are few and far in between)and would have to be familiar with court testimony to present strong evidence and find a lawyer that can successfully present the case without any evidence and witness to back it up, other than my word against his and a family that does not want to get involved in the “better” of cases and in the worse would declare me mentally unstable, remember that one of my brother suggested I should declare myself incompetent to the state! Clearly he would not back me up on this procedure. The legal system has but a few cases to base themselves on to make the necessary changes in the law to make prosecution a success. My brother would deny the accusations to save his ass and is an intelligent though twisted person. At this point I have only suspicion not reasonable doubt and much less proof. There is no simple solution and to a good extent my hands are tyed at this point.

11

kaylasdad99 youve got it right
freya
wish there was more we could do than offer our sympathy
there are a few things though that you can do
a)know your sis in law better
b)know your neice better and see if hes doing the same to them
not sure if the above is possible for you or not
c)last but most importantly fry the fucker