Open letter to the Vegan Bitch

It’s getting awfully hard to type with the puddle of drool on my keyboard. I keep looking forlornly at my SlimFast bar, which I grabbed because I didn’t have time to pack a lunch today, then dreaming of golden brown tofu in peanut sauce, tofu pad thai, tofu with jerk spices…

Shlurrrpp!

Today’s (9/4) Dilbert

I confess to pretending an allergy!

It’s because of that “people slip you stuff” issue. My story is that I was taking some drugs that upset my digestion. If I ate onions and leeks I would burp a lot. If I ate garlic I would have major acid reflux heartburn, of the type that makes you feel somebody has forced battery acid down your throat. Extreme pain. Often with vomiting.

Thankfully I have now recovered, but i used to pretend severe allergy in restaurants in order to get people to take it seriously. I mean garlic is good for you, right? It’s antibacterial, natural, a herbal remedy… You must be making it up. Or you’re some biased anglo who can’t stand italian cooking, just try it you’ll like it. Look, take some garlic for colds blah blah blah.

And yes, I always warned anyone who was cooking for me. I got herb bread made for me and special bits set aside from the main hommous or pesto with extra lemon and no garlic… I have lovely friends.