For the record, she is not a “Bimbo”. I really think she thought she could handle this situation and then realized how much she loves this man. He has always been upfront with her, so that is not the issue. She is conflicted between her strong emotional ties and circumstance (which she wants more for herself and knows that he can’t provide that for her).
If anything, her situation is tragic for her and maybe even a bit tragic for him. The truth is she doesn’t know how to let him go and move on. Hence, that is why I am here for her if she stays and suffers or leaves to find what will fulfill her. That is all I can do being her friend.
I was stating if it were me in that particular situation (which I have never been), I know I wouldn’t be able to stomach it. I know I would want and expect more from a mate in the long run. That is not passing judgment. That is just what I would personaly want for myself.
I did say that I didn’t understand the whole poly lifestyle. I didn’t say that it couldn’t work for some people either, but obviously, does it seem like it is working out for one person in this 4 person equation? I think not.
I think my friend has opened her eyes to this realization. Her only problem is conquering her fear of being alone and moving on, if having a family is what she truly wants.
Mistress: extramarital lover: a woman with whom a man has a usually long-term extramarital sexual relationship and for whom he often provides financial support.
That is what my friend Webster told me, but I really don’t think the word is fitting, since all parties know of each other and she is not being supported by him either. As I said in a different thread, she makes more money then he does.
She is referred to as “the girlfriend” in this relationship, just as his wife’s lover is referred to as “the boyfriend”. I would appreciate that title being used in this forum if we are going to continue a civilized conversation/discussion here.
Oh, I did find out that the married man told her he was in an open marriage a month after he started dating her. I just got this bit of information tonight. I was under the impression he told her when they first met; leaving it up to her to decide from the get-go. It would appear a little deceit was used after all. She was all ready completely in love with him by that point and she thought she could handle it. As time progressed, is where she is now. Confused.
p.s. I am having her over for ice-cream tomorrow night. I think she needs a good cry and a bad movie.
Your friend wants to be in the realtionship that she’s in, which is why she’s been in it 3 years now. The option for her to meet other men is always there. Why hasn’t she done it? Oh, right, she’s in love, that’s it. Sorry, not buying it. This relationship is serving her needs and of course she’s going to bitch, moan and complain to you because she knows what your position is, but her position is different than yours which is why she’s doing this. How can you help her? Just provide her with an ear and a shoulder for the times that this isn’t working for her, when she’s ready to leave she will.
Your friend needs some powerful women movies, Stifflers Mom. Let’s see, Bull Durham comes to mind (which has the added benefit of some tasty male bums in it), pretty much anything with Katharine Hepburn in it - Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner, African Queen, etc., Alien(s), Terminator 2, Silkwood, What’s Love Got to do With it?, The Thomas Crown Affair, A League of Their Own, Double Jeopardy, Tomb Raider, Fried Green Tomatoes, and of course, the obvious one, Thelma and Louise. Just as a starter list.
From my understanding, she has gone out on a few blind dates (which were complete trainwrecks) and has recently resorted to online dating as another way to meet people (she put up an add this week, I think?) She is very skeptical of going this route, since she has been physically assaulted before in the past. I think one of the many reasons she stays in this relationship is because he makes her feel safe. So, yeah, I buy it. Oh, and yes, the love part has a lot of pull in this scenario as well.
She doesn’t drink or do drugs, so meeting a guy at a bar/club is out of the question. She’s an atheist, so meeting a potential suitor at a religious function is out of the question too. I can’t see her hanging at a library or the grocery store 24-7 to find her “soulmate”.
I personally, cannot, for the life of me, think of a way for her to meet new, interesting, safe people. Everybody in our core group is married and pretty settled in our boring lifestyles.
I honestly do not know what to suggest to her. It has been a long time that I have been out on the market. Hell, what do you kids do for fun anymore?
I really hope that you don’t think that was implied here. He is not a bum; he is an extremely hard working, terrific guy. The point is m’dear, I don’t think he is meant to be my friend’s terrific guy.
Neither one of their personalities are in question. They are both two amazing people that found themselves playing with a bunch of sticky emotions.
just out of curiosity, doesn’t not mentioning he was in an open relationship for a month after the new relationship qualify him as a bum? Polyamory doesn’t phase me one way or the other and I’ve been involved in open relationships but I’d certainly be majorly pissed off and using words stronger than ‘bum’ if someone withheld that info from me for a month.
There is no reason you can’t go to a bar or a club and not drink or do drugs. I’ve spent many a fun night at numerous bars and clubs in my life, and I’ve never done drugs, and don’t always feel the need to drink. They sell these things called “sodas” there, you see.
Not that a bar or club is nessecarily the way to meet “new, interesting, safe people”, but her personal habits don’t preclude her from going to one.
If she really wants to meet new people, though, the best way to do so, as has been said countless times on this board, is to get involved in an activity or activities that interest her. Does she paint, sail, read, rock climb, hike, flower arrange, etc.? Would she like to learn to do any of those things? Would she like to learn how to do anything new?
Does she have any interest in taking a night class, working for a charity, volunteering for a political campaign? All these things will lead to meeting new people, and have the added side benefit of making her a more interesting person, and thus more attractive to an intelligent, interesting person.
YosemiteBabe has it right, I was using mistress as the positive, bimbo or slut as the “help hubby sneak around behind wife’s back, who cares who I hurt, its all about me!”
Using mistress in this manner is not uncommon and really not meant as a slam (at least, I didn’t think it a slam when I was the mistress - a very long story from very long ago). But if she prefers girlfriend (a term I abhor to describe any relationship that doesn’t involve slumber parties and nail polish or relationship where the participants are older than 16), that’s fine with me.
My apologies to anyone who read it as a loaded term.
Cite? I have yet to see one in my life on this earth. I do see messes like the one described in the OP, and the “Sex with Strangers” documentary. I even see long-lasting loving marriages that work year after year. I have yet to see an “open marriage” that works for all the people involved. And what, exactly, is polyamory? My wife has plenty of great friends, including a best friend with whom she really loves and would do anything for. You know, a deep friendship. Is that polyamourous?
I, personally, think a vast majority of the people make this excuse for really bad choices. “Ohhh, I stuck with the guy who smacks me around, but what can I do about it? I love him.” or “I’ll stick around in this emotionally damaging relationship because we’re “soul mates” and it’s meant to be.” Excuse me for saying, but it’s usually a bunch of poppycock [pun intended]. In the OP’s friend’s case, her decisions to date a married man are now coming to head, because she can’t handle the relationship anymore. Wow, color me surprised. Color me double surprised that he didn’t tell her he was married for a whole month. Shocking! If the guy really loved her, he’d know that the relationship isn’t working for her and he’d end it. But why should he bother when he can have his cake and eat it too?
When you posted this, there was ONE negative comment. Kudos to you for pulling a Bush-like pre-emptory strike against my comments, though. And no, it’s not because I fear non-monogamous relationships or because it’s immoral. Nor am I a knuckle-dragging neanderthal.
Stiffler’s Mom, I’d add all the other sentiments about being there for her when she needs you. However, I’d add that you should express your opinion about her relationship to her. It seems you’ve known for a while that it wasn’t going to work, and now she’s invested 3 years in a relationship that she should have avoided in the first place. She’s going to be in pain, but better a quick end and starting her dating again, then remaining unhappy in a unsatisifying relationship.
The Science Fiction/Fantasy writer Pamela Dean has a poly marriage that has worked well for, IIRC, several decades. Google up some interviews with her, she has been known to talk about it publically on occation.
They are less uncommon in the SF community than (apparently) in the general population. Or at least, all “out” poly arrangements I know of are amoungst “fen.”
I have other friends that have had them for years - apparently successfully, although they are not “out” about their arrangements. My ex and the “Bimbo” apparently have a similar arrangment to what is described in the OP, and have been happily married for a decade. (I’m happy for both of them - they seem cut out for each other, which my ex and I were not).
I will admit, I’ve seen a few train wrecks as well - usually involving women far too immature to understand what they are getting into. But I’ve seen a few train wrecks in traditional marriages, too. In my experience (which is a small sample of people who know me) when an “open by agreement” marriage breaks up it is much more civil than when a marriage that wasn’t open breaks up by cheating.
But since poly arrangments are not legal and are not socially approved, you don’t find studies on them, and they are pretty underground. So all evidence about them working or not is ancedotal.
This arrangement has worked for Stiffler’s Mom’s friend for three years. Now it isn’t working. I’m not sure how different this is than any relationship a woman has with a man (or vice versa) where one party wants/needs a committment and the other does not.
I’ve seen this close up three times (what’s wrong with my friends!?) and each and every time it crashed and burned. I’m telling you the impact formed a mushroom cloud that could been seen from the friggin’ moon!
These are smart people just blinded by love or a desire to feel loved. It might work every now and then but chances are this poor girl is in for it…
