Open relationships... any thoughts?

In My Humble Opinion
41

My view:

As for an open relationship, I couldn’t do it. Just couldn’t handle it. Call me possessive. Call me insecure. Call me immature. All those things are true. That’s why an open relationship, for me, would always end in tears.

Now, a steady, committed, long-term relationship involving more than two people, that’s different. If I and Pricegal both loved a third person and the feelings were mutual, and I could feel comfortable and secure with this third person, I think I could handle a threeway relationship in which all three of us are faithful to each other. I suspect it’s not worth the effort, but I may be wrong.

As for the people who do these things and handle them: good for you. Sometimes I wish I were one of you.

42

Well, OK, as long as you understand that’s only your opinion.
For some of us, it would indeed devalue primary intimacy.
Monogamy for me wasn’t really a choice, it was just what felt utterly natural to both of us.

For people who are wired like me, monogamy is not the sacrafice
but the reward of the relationship.

43

I don’t understand “monogamy” and “fidelity” and all that stuff either. I’ve had my ears pinned back pretty hard for using words like “jealousy” and “possessiveness” by promise-making people who claim to comprehend the definitions of all these words, but I’ll be damned if I can see any distinction myself. Whatever. Carry on. Or don’t, as the case may be.

Just don’t impose any of that stuff on me. As long as I’m not subject to legal or quasi-legal attitude-fueled constraints and disadvantages (as I am for not choosing “marriage” specifically, but such is also the case for committed “monogamous / fidelity-promising” one-on-one couples who do not choose marriage), the fact that I don’t really “get it” doesn’t mean I feel the need to point and say that you folks are “doing it wrong”.

I do hope you can reciprocate.

44

I have a few “thoughts” about open relationships. Most of them revolve around 19-23 year old girls. Unfortunatly, they aren’t too widely accepted by my wife! :smiley:

Never kiss an animal that can lick its own butt.

45

As usual, Manda JO makes excellent points, but I can really agree with this one. My husband and I met in college and became friends - I was in a long-distance relationship at the time, and so our interactions were limited to being “friends only”. We didn’t date, we did stuff together with other friends, or hung out. During this time, I developed an attraction to him, and my relationship had been spiraling down for quite some time. I dumped my boyfriend, and quickly (yes, fearing the “rebound” phenomenon and “losing my friend” as well) picked up with him, as I’d known for some time that he found me attractive. We already knew each other pretty well at that point - had hung out for a few months and talked a lot - and so the whole “get-to-know-you” phase had been dispensed with.

I don’t have any issues with honest open relationships/polyamory, but am uninterested in participating. I get crushes now and then but don’t act on them. And I love coming home to my husband, who is also my best friend.

46

Yet again, Manda JO nails it.

I’m another who hates to date-I feel awkward, stupid, and on display. It feels like a contest, or a game.

47

Just my opinion Sappho - seems like that is a really PERSONAL choice. It may not be one you would make but for others, being poly amorous or in an open relationship just wouldn’t feel comfortable either.

I am big on giving people freedom to chose what workd best for them and I think that is kind of the point. Just as it is okay if two people agree to have an open relationship, isn’t it equally okay to have a monogamous one?

What do they get? i’m stretching here because I am not in a long term satisfying relationship but my guess is the intimacy of knowing you are the one and only, the feeling special, unconditional love. Knowing that day or night summer or winter there is no time that person isn’t having you on their mind and having your best interestrs at heart. And I am not saying that you don’t have your SOs interests at heart or anything negative about your life style - just that I think that is the security of being monogamous - knowing you are the priority above all others all of the time. Just my 2 cents

48

Here’s a reason for an open relationship that I don’t think anyone’s mentioned: when the boi tells me he’s gotten laid, it turns me the fuck on. I love hearing about it.

I love my boi and I love hearing that he’s had pleasure.

49

Hey, I’m a “poly”, anti-commitment, anti-monogamy, pro-openmarrage kind of guy and I hate the damn dating scene too.

50

I am not against open relationships, but I often find that if I am thinking that I want to be in one, it’s because there’s something that is missing or not right in the relationship I’m in.

I find, like others, that when I’m in love and everything’s wonderful, I don’t even think or look at anyone but my partner, and the thought of doing anything that went beyond the bounds of friendship in my head would revolt me.

YMMV.

51

I’m with Manda Jo and the others here who’ve stated (paraphrased) that the “open marriage” thing would be too much like dating.

Reason 127 not to be into open marriages for this girl.

52

It’s my opinion that the open relationship people who talk that way are in the same place as monogamous people who sneer than people in open marriages don’t love their partner(s) as much as monogamous people do, or what have you - sort of trying to plant the idea that their idea of a relationship is Right and others are Wrong. I think it’s defensive as hell. THAT’S immaturity, no matter what kind of relationship you’re in.

Exactly.

Well, same here. Right now I don’t have any other relationships, or “playmates,” or what-have-you…but that’s true either way. Tark is my best friend in the world, and I always - ALWAYS - love coming home to him.

Right on, Matt.

And it does. Some people fall into open relationships (again, of whatever stripe) easily and naturally; some people do a lot of soul-searching, and talking, and questioning, and “what the hell is wrong with me”-ing. Up until a couple of years ago I thought I was bad, I thought I had poor impulse control, I thought maybe I didn’t love Tark as much as or in the way that I was “supposed to,” I was afraid of somehow short-changing him as far as my love for him went… I spent YEARS trying to figure out what was WRONG with me.

As it turns out…I love him senseless and he loves me. And…every relationship has its ups and downs, its compromises, its discussions and give-and-take. Different people with different personalities and different “wiring” just have different ones, and all have different ways of resolving them. And if, in the end, no one is horribly hurt or lying or repressing resentmen…then you’re doing exceptionally well, no matter WHAT kind of relationship you have.

53

I’ve had open relationships, but I wouldn’t do it again. And I know people in healthy, good open relationships.

Its a matter of personal choice. Not for me. Time is an issue. My own past, which included a “not very honest “open” relationship” and kind of soured me to the idea. But biggest factor, I’m a little bit of an introvert and don’t have a ton of friends - being emotionally (much less physically) intimate with several people at the same time doesn’t make me comfortable.

I’m sure there are introverts who do well in open relationships. Not me.

54

This is all very interesting. I don’t have much to contribute, except to say that just last night, my SO was talking about a good friend of his, who has an open relationship with her fiance (and who, IMO, also has the hots for my SO), and I will tell you that my first response was, “Huh . . . why are they getting married, then?”

(Please note that this was not an “Eww, what freaks” judgment; It just seemed to me that if these are two people who know that monogamy is not in their plan, they could just skip the whole parade down the aisle. Also note that although I favor monogamy and have no problem committing to my SO until one of us kicks off, I feel like I can take or leave the aforementioned Veil-and-Tux parade myself.)

Now I feel like I can understand a little better how some polyamourous folks would still find meaning in having a ceremony to honor their commitment to / relationship with each other.

So thanks.

Nothing like a good education. :slight_smile:

As for an answer to the OP, all I can say is that whenever I’ve dated more than one fella at a time (very casually, everybody knew what was up), I invariably had a preference as to whose company I enjoyed the most. I would be out with one boy, and I’d be thinking, “I should bring [Boy#2] here for his birthday” or "[Boy#2] would love this movie . . . " Usually I’d end up wishing I were sharing the experience with Boy #2, and sometimes even count the minutes until the end of the date (which was by no means a Date From Hell), so that I could get home and call him. And that didn’t seem fair to Boy #1, because when I was with him, I wasn’t totally “with” him. And Lord knows I’d hate for anyone to be that way with me, being the narcissistic princess that I am.

So, invariably, I’d eventually end up in a monogamous involvement with the boy I preferred.

I don’t know if I’d go as far as to say that I’m just hardwired for monogamy, but I’ve never really considered polyamoury a workable option for myself.

55

Just for clarification, I meant to say, “Now I feel like I can understand a little better how a polyamourous person would still find meaning in having a ceremony to honor their commitment to / relationship with one specific person.”