It is the mistake of person B.If you two are engaged then no problem.They give the together.You can angry with her .it id quite normal.
You most certainly have a right to say something about it to your fiance. I’m assuming that’s what you mean, not that you’re planning on saying anything to your MIL.
However, if you are wanting to cement your ‘about-to-be-married-to-your-daughter’ relationship with your MIL, then the gifts need to start coming from the two of you, regardless of where you are geographically placed.
Because one of them is your fiancee and one is your fiancee’s mother, with whom you would like to get along better than you do now, and because it’s Christmas, which, even apart from all the peace and love and joy crap is stressful enough already, I’d be looking for reasons to not be angry about this. Fortunately, they’re not hard to find.
First off, a gift card from a favorite store just plain is not original enough a thought to claim exclusivity: it’s on a par with telling B about your plan to wrap C’s Christmas gift in shiny colored paper and getting mad when you find out everybody’s stolen your idea. If your relations with prospective MIL are not close, it’s unlikely that you were the only, or the first, or the twentieth person to know about her preferences. Maybe the information that sparked the idea came originally from your fiancee.
Second, as has been pointed out, two gift cards, even for the same amount, from the same place are not the same gift unless the store sells only one item or the giftee wants two identical things.
Third, people don’t always listen carefully, and they don’t always remember perfectly. Fiancee could have had “$1000 gift card from Porcelain Barn” floating in her brain, detached from the conversation that introduced it, when she bought Mom’s gift.
Fourth, it’s always possible that she had the idea first, didn’t want to discourage you, and sees no harm in double gift cards.
Fifth, the worst possible construction of her actions is that she was too lazy to think up her own gift and stole your idea knowing it would spoil a conciliatory gesture from you to her mother. This seems incredibly improbable. But if it were true, seeking understanding still seems a better response than anger. There may be family issues you don’t grok yet, but should.
And please beware of those who think you need to demand explanations, reconsider the engagement, etc. If you plan to live the rest of your life with someone, they are going to once in a while act thoughtlessy, carelessly, angrily and sometimes spitefully with respect to your preferences, needs and feelings, even if they’re perfect for you. This gift card thing, trust me, is vanishingly small compared to most of the hurts that the most loving and patient couples will invariably inflict upon each other during the course of a lifetime. It would be ironic if, because of your desire to get along better with C, you decide to pick a fight with her daughter over the holidays, with obvious results.
I agree that in all, we don’t have quite enough information to make a sound judgement. But it does sound to me like B is being petty and cares little for your feelings. Personally, I’d question if I could spend my life with someone that would do something like that.
But don’t talk to us about it. Talk to B. Tell her that it is, in fact, a big deal, and tell her exactly why that is so. Tell her what you told us.
On the other hand, you seem a bit desperate to seek the MIL’s approval. And it seems that you’re unlikely to get it in any case. Why worry about something so far out of your control? If the MIL is bound and determined to dislike you, there’s little you can do to change her mind.
It sounds like your future MIL is determined to be critical of you, so you need to stop trying to impress her. Screw her. The important thing is that you made an effort, not for MIL, but for your fiancé. She needs to be equally caring of your feelings, but if it were me in your situation, I would be more concerned that she defended me against her mother’s criticism than that she bought the same gift card. In fact, you could look at it like this: it may be more difficult for MIL to say something nasty about your gift since her daughter got her the same thing.
I find this highly unlikely, or she would have said so at the moment he brought it up to her. At least she would have if she gave a damn about his feelings. In fact, if this were the case, I contend she had an obligation to tell him that she’d planned the same thing, commend him on being so thoughtful and intuitive when it comes to her mother, and offer that they make it a joint gift.
Nonsense. Particularly based on her response to him, this is the most likely scenario.
Rubbish. In the first place, those (including myself) who have suggested he needs to carefully consider his plans to marry this woman, have not recommended that based solely on the original thoughtless act of duplicating the gift and not bothering to inform him, but more so based on how she has dismissed him when he told her how she’d hurt him. Cite. . .
And in the second place, the idea that it should be expected that one’s spouse may occasionally act spitefully, and that that should somehow be accepted or brushed off, is absurd. You may have decided that you’re willing to live with that from your own spouse, but I wouldn’t dream of treating mine that way, under any circumstances.
Again, not about “the gift card thing” alone. He has every right to be angry about her betrayal. A quick and sincere apology should mitigate that anger and life would go on with a greater understanding between them. Instead, he got a snotty, “What’s the big deal?” I’d run so fast from someone who treated my feelings with such utter disregard, I’d leave track marks. Obviously your mileage varies.
A few days before Christmas last year, I found that I was giving my mother the same book she was giving me. We simply had a good laugh over it.
She was way wrong and you deserve an apology. Big time.
Well Shayna, there is at least absolutely no question left as to one issue: you should definitely not marry Idle Thoughts’ fiancee.
He, fortunately, still may decide that getting all upset about a duplicate gift (that can be enjoyed along with the original, not requiring a return) that wasn’t all that original an idea anyhow, is a losing proposition. He may even decide that his hurt feelings of the moment aren’t all that important, that he may even be wrong to elevate them above a harmonious holiday with his fiancee’s family. He may decide that what you see as her cruel dismissal of his pain is actually a realistic view of the situation (i.e., it wasn’t that big a deal) , and that his gift card isn’t quite the ticket to paradise, and her pre-emption of it isn’t quite the ruination of it, that you envision. He may eventually come to feel that while his fiancee is capable of such wrong moves, that his primary relationship is always going to be with her and not her mother, and that that fact may play some part in this mini-drama. He may decide that his behavior now will set the tone for their lives together forever, and that a little acceptance and forgiveness goes a long way. In short, he can do now what is required of both parties in a marriage partnership forever: realize that the protection of his own feelings is no longer his sole or even his most important responsibility.
If this episode were merely one in a long line of events evincing a design on the part of his fiancee to treat him as chattel, this would be a different thread. Taken as an isolated incident, however, words like “betrayal” seem not only premature, but immature.
I agree with those saying she done you wrong.
Those stating it isn’t a big deal—well those are the types of folks I wouldn’t be in a releationship with. In a relationship it is the small items that make or break the relationship in my opinion. If things happened as you laid out here, she is clearly showing a lack of interest in your feelings on the matter.
King of Soups assessment that this is small potatoes is as far opposite of my take as possible. If it is important to you, then it should be important to her. I agree 100% with Shayna.
You have told her that this is important to you. That alone should make her address the issue with you. In a loving relationship you take into considerations your partners feelings, even if you don’t agree with those feelings (unless they are way out in left field!).
So I agree you have a right to be upset. Now you and your fiance’ need to find a solution to the issue. That will be more telling then anything. If she continues to blow off your feelings–well you need to revaluate your relationship in my opinion.
He indeed MAY decide that. However that is NOT what his OP stated nor his subsequent posts in this thread have stated. He is upset by this and rightfully so in my opinion. YOU may not think it is a big deal, but you aren’t Idle Thoughts anymore then Shayna is. Small things may not matter to you, to others they are indicative of bigger issues. Accepting the situation without discussing it first with his fiance’ is also premature.
Thinketh Idle Thoughts, “So I guess I just feel that my gift now won’t make much of an impact or pull at her heartstrings as much as if she only recieved ONE gift card.”
Dude, a gift card will tug at no one’s heart strings. And a second gift card does not negate the non-pulling of the first. Ergo, leave it alone.
So she took your idea? She’ll be taking a lot more once you’re married.
Thank you so much for all of your comments and opinions and advice. We have talked it over and she really does feel bad now and has apoligized for it overly. She’s offered to keep and use her card for herself and just let her mom have mine but that’s not needed, I told her. We’ve decided to just wait until mine gets there and then have her present hers to her mom at the same time as a double gift, as many in here has suggested.
Again thank you, everyone for the insight. 
Not marrying her would never be an option, by the way. Not even considering no marriage. I’ve been with this girl for 2 years now and rough moments have been few and far in between. She makes everything worth it and always has. I know she always will. This sort of thing, while I feel anger over, certainly wouldn’t be anything I’d ever start to rethink engagement over. In fact, I can’t really think of anything that would cause me to even start to rethink it.
But anyway, after seeing that I was upset (after the initial comments) she said she was sorry and we came up with a solution.
Betrayal sounds a bit strong to me as well, but it’s about as big a WTF? moment as I can think of. It’s certainly not as huge as, say, infidelity, to be sure. And not being privy to the inner sanctum of their relationship, I have no idea what the normal dynamic is. But if any of my past GFs had done something like that, and then blown if off as no big deal, my head would be spinning with the very weirdness of it all. I simply cannot conceive of someone doing something like that. That’s behavior beyond my experience. I can’t even imagine a child thinking it’s a good idea to act like that.
Great! I think talking it out is the right approach. Sounds like she addressed your feelings and that is the most you can expect.
Good luck on the upcoming nupitals and also hope the dual present goes over well!
I’m glad you worked it out. Indeed, there aren’t many problems that can’t be talked out if both parties are reasonable.
I’m still curious, however, about she was thinking.
Congratulations, Idle Thoughts. This sounds like the beginning of a mature relationship. It may disappoint those who can’t see the small things for the bigger issues they may represent, but it’s a relief to those of us who have to struggle sometimes with liking the ones we love, and know that in the end it’s always worth it. Relationships in which one party’s feelings are never hurt are usually perfect only when viewed from one angle. I wouldn’t be a party to such even if I were guaranteed the easy side.
tdn, I can’t help thinking that our experience must be very different, because I’m associating one set of past observations and memories and feelings and thoughts with my reading of the OP, and you clearly have another. But these attitudes (attitude=past experience times present observation) are themselves something that must be explored in relationships, whether one is looking for a wife, a third baseman for the company softball team, a drinking buddy, or a spiritual counselor.
And it all takes time. Marrying someone before you know how she feels about her mother, family, home town, tequila shots, The Rolling Stones and broccoli with Hollandaise is contraindicated under almost any circumstances. For once I was trying to assume the best: look where I ended up.
I think you’re right about that.
I’m still wondering why she did what she did, and I still can’t think of any reason that doesn’t come out as consciously inconsiderate. Obviously my imagination is failing, because that was most likely not what she was doing.
It’s just so outside of my experience because the ground rule in all of my relationships has always been that we treat each other with consideration all the time. It’s not like we ever discussed that as a rule, it’s just assumed. Isn’t that pretty much how it is with everybody?
Good for you! It certainly speaks better of your relationship than you originally painted throughout this thread. That you got the apology and compromise that you deserved is all that matters, and, again, for the record, what I said would eliminate the need to reconsider the relationship.
Merry Christmas!
Well she does tend to be forgetful sometimes, so in the end, I figure since she has said sorry and really does feel bad and has even offered to keep her gift back and just let her mom receive mine, I’m more apt to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe it really did just slip her mind.