Okay, we have three people. Person A. Person B. Person C.
Person A wants to get person C a gift for Christmas. Person C isn’t too crazy about person A, but person A still wants to get them something they like anyway.
Person A thinks of a really good gift and tells Person B about it (since Person B is Person C’s daughter and would therefore know what her mother really likes) and asks if they’d love it. The answer is yes.
So Person A gets the gift…
…only to find out two days later that Person B buys the gift (that same day) in hopes of giving to her to her mother (Person C). Not a variation of the gift or a slight different one. The exact same gift.
Ah screw the person letters. Basically, I told my fiancee I’d get her ma something and she (my fiancee) goes out and gets it herself as a gift for her mother. After I’ve already told her what it was, and that I was going to get it, and even after I buy it.
So I’m wondering, do I have a right to be angry? Upset?
What do you all think?
That was extremely rude of your fiancee. She owes you a serious apology, especially since you went the extra mile to think of a thoughtful gift for someone who isn’t your biggest fan. You deserve bonus fiance points, not this headache.
Because I don’t live there yet. I live in another state. My card will arrive later (probably Dec 26th) since it’s going by mail. She would give her mom hers on the 24th (when they typically open presents).
I’d have to hear Person C’s reasoning behind buying the gift before I could decide to be mad or not.
Was she certain that you were planning on buying the gift, or had you just mentioned you’d thought of a really good present for her mom without telling her that you’d do the buying of it?
If it were me and my husband it would have gone something like this:
Husband: Hey I thought of a cool gift for your mom! It’s _______! Do you think she’d like that?
Me: I think she’d love it!
If my husband didn’t then (immediately & clearly) state that he would take on the task of purchasing said item, I would assume it was up to me to go get it, and it would be from both of us.
However:
All gifts to other family members are from both of us (i.e To-John (or Jane), Merry Christmas from FaerieBeth & Stonebow)
and 2) I do all the gift shopping except for my own.
On preview, maybe she thought she needed to pick it up for you, so Mom would have it by Christmas instead of you having to mail it.
Or she could just be a bitch, and you need to dump her ass. I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt , though, and not automatically imagine the worst possible motives. It could go both ways, though.
Could you send the card with your fiance? My fiance’s family also live in a different state, so I’m sending my gift to his mother with him when he goes home for Christmas.
Yes, it sounds a bit rotten. On the other hand, look at it this way. If she can’t figure out why it was a rotten thing to do and you can’t work it out between you, it’s better you find this out before the wedding, especially since it comes across as her sabotaging your attempts to improve your relationship with her mother. I figure right now it’s rather important that you get along with her mother.
She owes you a big apology and either needs to put both of your names on the gift or find something else to give her mom. I think you have every right to be extremely pissed at her.
To shed some more clarification on FaerieBeth’s questions…I told her two days ago exactly what I’d be getting for her mom. It was a gift card…for a store that she (her mom) likes, and a certain amount (obviously). I even asked my fiance if her mom would love it and asked her to rank how much on a scale of one to ten, in which the anwer was: 10.
The present she (my fiancee) got today was a gift card for the exact same store, for the exact same amount.
She claims she didn’t think of me telling her I was going to get her mom the same thing just two days ago. She also (at first) asked me things like “what’s the big deal?” and saying things like “no need to gripe about it”.
Thus…the reason behind this topic…wondering if I really do have a right to be angry and say something about it.
Hmm…well, she’s either a heartless, unfeeling wretch that totally sniped you on a thoughtful gift, or she’s totally clueless, or she thinks her mom could use even more shopping money to a favorite store.
Honestly, I’d probably be kinda pissed, but then again, if I was the Mom in question, there’s no such things as too much free money to a favorite store. It could have worked out okay in the end. The GF’s response of “what’s the big deal?” is what would totally piss me off, though. I can understand forgetting (or misunderstanding) a conversation about gifts and gift buying, but being unwilling to even try to understand why I might be upset = bitchy.
If it was something like a sweater or a salad shooter, I would say you were right to be righteously annoyed, but a gift card is different. I personally wouldn’t mind one iota if everybody gave me nothing but gift cards from my favorite book store. It may be a little unoriginal of your fiancé, but if she thinks that is something her mother really wants, I don’t think it decreases the value of your gift, in this case.
Gift cards for particluar stores are a pleasant thought but not personal.
I don’t see any problem (as XaMcQ says) in giving two such cards. It’s not a toaster (where you only want to give one).
As for your fiancee, you know her best. Is she a little ditzy and forgetful? Depending on how well your relationship is going, I would either forget it, discuss it or have an argument. :eek:
A gift card? That’s no big deal. Now she can spend twice as much at the same store, getting something bigger and better than she could with just one. Fiancee’s little brain fart is no big deal in this case. XaMcQ is right - two salad shooters aren’t very useful to one person most of the time, but two gift cards are.
I guess the thing here is…her mom doesn’t like me very much. What future MIL does, really? Don’t answer that…because I’m sure there’s a lot of you who do get along with your girlfriend’s/fiance’s/wife’s mother. But me, I have the typical “she doesn’t think I’m good enough” future MIL, at least right now.
So I guess I just feel that my gift now won’t make much of an impact or pull at her heartstrings as much as if she only recieved ONE gift card. Added to that is the fact that she’ll be getting mine second, as it’s not set to get there until December 26th, so the original gift that she would love coming from someone she isn’t crazy about turns into, instead, another, same gift that she’s already got. And I know her pretty well too. She’s not the type to enjoy even more money for the store. She’s the type would would go “I already have one, why would I need another?” and that’s going to be MINE that she says that too.
shrug So I dunno. I just feel upset and angry some. My fiance said there was no reason to feel upset and didn’t know why I was. And reading the opinions in this topic after I said what the gift is, I can understand their POV…but I still feel upset and angry some. Really, it just doesn’t seem my gift will make much of a difference now. Maybe it wouldn’t have in the first place, but I just feel it will now be more seen as a “oh, not very original, is he?” or a “he probably knew my daughter was getting me one so he figured it was good enough to get me one too” gift (since that is how her mother is).
But thank you all for your opinions. I’m grateful for other’s thoughts and I don’t feel as upset as I did.
Why not ask your fiancee (tactfully) for help with your MIL?
I also wouldn’t spend too much time thinking about what your MIL will say. That sounds automatically depressing.
Spend time thinking aobut your fiancee!
That she not only doesn’t recognize, but doesn’t care that a) you were trying to make a significant inroad to earning her mother’s approval and, perhaps, affection, and that this was very important to you, and that b) she has hurt your feelings, is veeeeeeery telling about how she will continue to treat you throughout your lives together.
If she had bought the gift card without thinking it would upset you, then apologized profusely when you told her it had, and insisted on telling her mother that it was not only from the both of you, but your original idea, as a way to make amends, that would be a different story.
But “What’s the big deal?” and “No need to gripe about it?” Those are things you say to someone who’s told you you’ve hurt them? She was thoughtless, and when called on it, responded with callousness. Lovely.
The whole point of dating, and of having a “waiting period” of engagement before marriage is to determine if you’ve found the “right” person, not simply for wedding planning. The biggest mistake people make with regard to marriage is not recognizing this simple fact. Instead, they let their hearts rule their heads, and naively think things will change or get better after marriage.
Ditto on all. Yes I’d be pissed and you may want to rethink marrying this family. Like it or not, that’s what happens when you get married; you get the whole package. Is there always so much drama with her and her mother?
In the meantime. Pretend like nothing is wrong. Then send the gift card overnight mail with a nice card explaining how you knew she loves the store and how you spoke about it with her daughter. She will get your gift first, she will know that her daughter knew you were getting it for her, and her daughter will look like an asshole for not putting any original thought into her mother’s gift.
Don’t answer that…because I’m sure there’s a lot of you who do get along with your girlfriend’s/fiance’s/wife’s mother. But me, I have the typical “she doesn’t think I’m good enough” future MIL, at least right now.