I’m an optimist. I generally assume that if something might happen, then I can find a way to make sure it does. If I put enough effort in, I’m usually right. It works out well for me. But today I don’t want to be an optimist. I want the cold light of day to make its way into my head and point out exactly how things are, because my optimism is killing me.
My girlfriend of two and a half years left me a fortnight ago. She’s a nice person, to put it mildly, and didn’t take the decision lightly. I think she stopped loving me quite a while ago, and has been trying for some time to start again. It upset her greatly when she finally told me, and she said a lot of nice things to make me feel better because, as I say, she’s a nice person. My inner cretin instantly goes to work on all these things, balling them up into the big pile of reasons why it’ll all be fine and she’ll change her mind. Somehow the main reason it won’t be fine, that she doesn’t love me any more, gets lost in the mix. So I ask to meet her and get her to make it a bit plainer, and because she’s a nice person, she does. I upset her again, and feel like shit. But I think I’ve probably convinced myself it’s over, this time. Have I, bollocks. No, still here’s me, dreaming at night that she’s called me and told me it’s all a mistake, and that I should come over. I never get there before I wake up, but for a wonderful moment when I do, I think it was real before I remember it’s not. It’s like finding out all over again. I get to sleep on thoughts of waiting until she’s less busy, and trying to start again with a blank slate, whatever that is. I try to talk to her on MSN, and upset her yet again, and I can see that she’s getting hacked off with me, and that I’m making a nice person whom I love, and who used to love me, start to dislike me. She makes it pretty plain indeed this time, still without being cruel.
And STILL I can’t fucking accept it. The only thing stopping me from trying to change her mind yet again is that I know she’s got exams, and I’m not that big a shithead. What the fuck is wrong with me? Can’t the glass be half empty just this once, you idiot? Let it the fuck go.
Not sure if this belonged in the Pit or MPSIMS, or even on the boards at all, so apologies if not…
