A masochist walks into a bar…deliberately.
A man walks into a bar and sets a 50-pound bag of horse manure on the counter. The bartender gives him a look.
The man then orders 10 shots of whiskey with a tall glass of whole milk chaser. He does one shot and puts on a priest collar. Does another shot, and puts on a giant afro wig. Does another shot and puts on a yarmukle.
He continues on with his shots, and after each one, puts on a clown nose, cowboy boots, lipstick, a catcher’s mitt, a giant cod piece, and knee pads. After the last shot, he stood up on his stool, dropped his pants, yelled “Long live the Queen!” and poured the milk over his head.
The bartender has had enough. He says “Hey mack, what’s the big idea!?”
The man says, “Quiet! I’m trying to write a joke here.”
A rottweiler walks into a bar and asks for a drink. Bartender asks for the money, and the rottweiler says, “Can’t this one be on the house?”
“Why should it be?” Bartender asks.
“Oh, it’s a tale full of woe and misery!” the rottweiler sobs. “I’ve spent the last four years working at a junk yard for a man who beats me, and the moment I escaped I got picked up by the dog catcher. He put me in a tiny cage, and I lay in my own filth until the man came and picked me up. He beat me till I was almost dead and left me to starve. Then…” the rottweiler trailed off.
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“The rest of your tale?”
The rottweiler looked behind him. “Oh, that–the vet cut it off when I was a puppy!”
A man walks into a bar, takes one look at all the rabbis, strings, horses, grasshoppers, naked ladies, subatomic particles, giraffes, celebrities and rottweilers, decides it’s too crowded and walks out again.
8/10!
Creation-Man walks into a bar and says “Let there be whisky!”.
Between this one and the last one, we’ve got a perfect 10/10!
Jesus and his disciples walk in to a bar during happy hour.
“Shit, there’s Jesus again” says the bartender.
“What’s wrong with that?” asks a patron.
“Every time they show up, all they ever fucking order is one glass of water, one order of breadsticks, and a single order of calamari.”
Descartes walks into a bar, bartender says, “Hey aren’t you…”
Descartes interrupts, “I think so”.
A Transformer turns into a bar…
A guy in a gorilla costume walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the Kong face?”
A police officer walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘What’ll it be?’ The officer responds, ‘I’ll ask the questions here.’
Socrates walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?”
Socrates, “Ouzo.”
Bartender" What kind?"
Socrates, “Sans Rival.”
bartender “How much?”
Socrates, “Two fingers.”
Bartender, “What kind of glass?”
Socrates, “A tumbler is fine.”
Bartender, “Ice?”
Socrates, “Yes, please.”
Bartender, “How many cubes?”
Socrates, “Three.”
Bartender, “Would you like it at the bar or a table?”
Socrates, “Oh for goodness sake! Just give me the drink!.”
A shark walks into a bar and says “What can I get for a fin?”
a very old memory storage device walks into a bar and says “Hey can anybody spot me a drink? I’m down to my last two bits.”
Amy Pond walks into a really swank bar in a rundown neighborhood and says “It’s nicer on the inside than on the outside.”
A squid walks into a bar and asks if he can sit at a booth.
“Sorry,” replies the bartender. “All the booths are octopied.”
A music theorist walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a gin and dominant please”.
The bartender says “What’s a ‘gin and dominant’?”
“It’s like a gin and tonic but you add a whole fifth.”
Schrödinger walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Can I get you a drink?”
“Yes and no” says Schrödinger.
A grammatical pedant walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Can I get you a drink?”
The pedant says, “I certainly hope that you can get me a drink; otherwise, you would be fairly ineffective as a bartender.”
The bartender punches him in the face.
A guy in a gorilla costume walks into a bar. Nobody notices, because they are watching the basketball.
Heisenberg walks into a bar, points to a spot on the counter in front of him, and says, in a rather rude, peremptory way, “I want you to make me a screwdriver and serve it to me right here.” The bartender says “Certainly sir, but who knows when it will be ready.”