I’m really getting tired of coming home from work and having 1, 2 or more strangers (to me) in my house. The worst was the other day when he was letting one of his friends use our washer and dryer.
We’ve known him for about 7 years and we were all roommates when we had an apartment, but then we bought and he is our tenant now. He’s been pretty much a loner most of that time, so it’s great that he’s having a social life; but does it really have to be here all the time?
Normally we can easily go six months without having anyone that doesn’t live here in the house and I like it that way. I’ve been biting my tongue because of the aforementioned new found social life that he has…but I don’t know how long I can hold out.
(I realize this is kinda whiny and makes me sound like a ogre that hates people, which is only partially true. It’s MPSIMSing because I couldn’t get the vitriol to start a pit thread)
I’d be very wary of his newfound friends. Not knowing much about your tenant I can only guess, but ‘no social life’ types can often become doormats, and people will take advantage of that (like the free laundromat in your house)
I do hope you have a contract in writing. It may be time to remind him that if he wants to remain friends with you, he needs to treat the specific legal side of your relationship appropriately. Laundromats in apartment buildings often have a sign “for residents only”: if he was renting a room from someone who wasn’t a friend, would he let them use the washer and dryer and come over for showers in any case other than “their whole house flooded/burned down”? Most likely not.
As far as I know the laundry thing only happened once and at a time he knew we’d be home. So it’s not like it was a secret. And yes, we do have a lease with him that has been renewed several times.
I’m not sure what type of living arrangement you have – if you’re seeing his guests then I assume you share a unit, in which case I’d call him a roommate, not a tenant. But either way none of this sounds like a big deal. Just tell him he can’t let friends use the washer, like you said he did it while you were home so he probably assumed you’re okay with it as an occasional helping-a-friend thing.
Maybe you’re just not up for this type of arrangement anymore? Having people over isn’t really jerk roommate (/tenant/whatever) behavior either. Unless you have some previous agreement about guest hours and such, which you haven’t mentioned.
Not saying it makes him a jerk, mostly just ranting. If it keeps up I will ask him to limit the time that people are over. I’m not used to having a lot of people around, especially when I’m just walking in from a long day at the office.
I use tenant because we own the place and rent a room to him. Though roommate is just as useful a descriptor.
I’d ask if you can come to some mutual agreement re quiet hours (e.g. 10pm to 8am) and being respectful of them bringing their own food in, but other than that, he should be able to treat his house as if it’s, well, his house. If you’re tired after working all day and don’t want strange people in your house, you really shouldn’t have let out a room.
I think a ‘no guests’/‘limited guests’ arrangement is okay but it’s more what I would expect of someone renting to college students, or young working people who need a cheap place to crash. It’s not something I see adults doing long term. If you bring that up he may decide he’d rather live somewhere else. Which is fine, just be prepared for that if he says that’s what he wants. I guess my point about “roommate” vs “tenant” is that with roommates you have to be ready to make compromises or admit that it’s not working out, due to the fault of no one in particular.
Anyhow, no you didn’t say he was a jerk, sorry I implied that.
Yeah, that’s messed up. I came home once in college to find two chicks I didn’t even know sitting on my couch with none of my roommates were home. Turns out one of the roomies met some chick on the internet then just told them to drive down and he’d be home soon. Didn’t tell anybody. He himself had never actually met her in person, and here she was just hanging out in our living room. It was surreal.
You could politely ask him to restrict guests during the week because of needing to destress when you get home from work. I myself do not like people around when I am stressed out, it makes me unable to relax and then the migraine hits unless I can destress.
You might also mention to him that he pays for water and utilities, not his random friends, and laundry takes utilities … so it is just like making a long distance call on a phone, or ordering a pay per view movie, or eating your food/drinking all the beer.
It would irritate me, too, Antinor - I know exactly what you mean about having people in your house. My husband and I have been married for eight years, and I think this weekend’s party will be about our third ever for us hosting. We go to other people’s houses, or meet them in restaurants - we’re just not the hosting types.
I agree with your use of the word “tenant,” too - he is your tenant since you are the homeowner and he pays rent to you. I don’t know about just limiting guests during the week, either - that implies that he can have people over all weekend, and that would possibly irritate me MORE than during the week.
If two persons share a living space neither owns, and both pay rent to a third party, they are roommates.
If two person share a living space that only one of them owns, and the other pays to stay there, the second person is not a roommate; he is a boarder. Tenant is closer to boarder than roommate.
Going from “We are roommates, friends and equals” to “We are owners, you are a tenant, and we feel like we ought to be able to make the rules” is always going to be an awkward transition. I don’t think there is any real way to do it right, and would probably advise people to avoid that situation.
Unless it is spelled out and agreed on beforehand (and there is some compensating factor, like super-cheap rent), I think it’s unreasonable to expect someone to avoid having guests. If you pay rent, you ought to be able to consider where you are living to be your home, and one thing that some people really enjoy doing at home is having guests over.
I think this is just one of those things you’ll have to put up with. Maybe you should think about making your bedroom a more comfortable place to hang out when you need alone time. And remember, you are getting compensated for the annoyances that come with sharing a home.
Sorry, but this is crap. Allowing the guest to use the washer-dryer is the worst part, but it’s insane to suggest the homeowner exile himself or herself to the bedroom for the boarder’s benefit. Even if they were equals – still both renters – it wouldn’t be fair for the other person to bring people over in the way described in the OP.
It just shows that it’s not a great idea to have a “tenant” in the space you actually live in. It puts everybody in an uncomfortable spot. “We want your money, but please remain invisible” is not a great basis for sustaining a friendship.
I think that, if your privacy is important, you should move the guy out. If you really need the income from renting out the room, then I would suggest drafting a lease that spells out the rules.
It may be helpful to separate the owner/tenant relationship in the mind from the co-resident relationship. Ownership and rents aside, these people both need to put up with each other–we presume that the arrangement has practical advantages for both parties. The place is home to both; both should feel comfortable there and have reasonable use of the space and facilities as their own.
If the owner ever “exiles” himself, it wouldn’t be for the boarder’s benefit, but for his own–if he needs more alone time. In other words, he may sometimes have to do what anybody living in a shared house must do to be alone. He must do what the tenant would also have to do, should he need to be alone in a shared house. If the homeowner can’t do this, well, he can’t really share a house. That’s his call to make, of course.
We do have a written lease for him so that’s not an issue. There’s also not an issue of wanting him to stay ‘invisible’. We’ve known him for years and had a lease with him as tenant for 3 years.
My whiny rant was about this being a new thing. He’s always been a loner and we’ve always been happy with only having visitors rarely. It’s just been strange suddenly having people over regularly. If it continues, I plan to ask him to limit it or at least hang out with them elsewhere in the early evenings.
I agree with you about the washer/dryer, but not the rest. I have a roommate, and sometimes he has his friends over. This is part of the roommate deal - there are compromises that have to be made in exchange for an affordable place for both of us to live. When his friends are over I usually make myself scarce, usually in my bedroom - which is comfy and in no way ‘exile’. When I have friends over he usually does the same. Neither of us tell the other one to go away though, it’s just common courtesy.
Now, if my roommate owned our house very little would change for me. I would still be paying the same rent for the same things - a comfortable home, utilities, and a homeowner who deals with maintenance/repairs. Whether or not the homeowners lives with me is immaterial to me, so why should I change my behaviour to allow him to be the alpha dog while I slink around?
The homeowner reaps the benefits of home ownership - building equity in their investment and having a stable place to live that they can’t be evicted from. He also reaps the benefit of the rent paid to him by the tenant. He doesn’t get to reap any more benefits from the situation just because his name is on the deed, IMHO.
ETA: If the tenant agrees to sign a lease with rules about guest hours and such in it, then I guess you do get to make the rules. But few would do that unless your rent is considerably below the average for the area.
It’s insane to suggest that the boarder should remain friendless or never be allowed to invite friends to his own home. He is paying to live there, and that includes access to common areas. If the homeowner wants privacy, he can go to his bedroom. And if he wanted solitude, he should have never rented out a room.
