betenoir cannot enter any AMC, Carmike, or Rave cinemas due to talking in movies, particularly for such caught-on-camera moments as repeatedly saying “THAT’S GOTTA HURT! Oooh… girl in the red dress… everyone do Jaeger shots!” during Schindler’s List, “THAT’S GOTTA HURT! Oooh… non scriptural component…everyone do Jaeger shots!” during Passion of the Christ and “THAT’S GOTTA HURT! Oooh… homoerotic subtext…everyone do Jaeger shots!” during all three Lord of the Rings movies. (The last one caused permanent irreversible liver damage.)
Betenoir was also fired from a job as a book reviewer for a major Chicago paper for constantly beginning and ending the reviews with TLDR, which shouldn’t have surprised them since it was also the name of the column.
Sampiro was a cheerleader in high school, and the only reason the football field had natural grass instead of artificial turf was so he could graze.
Captain Socks’s sole duty as a superhero is to retrieve socks that are lost in the wash. Seeing as such items go to the border between this life and the next, such a task is more difficult than usually thought. His powers are his hyper-lint ray, spring fresh scent, and sock whip. His sole weakness is the sight of pastels.
Kafka’s The Metamorphosis is based in the life of Autolycus except instead of waking up and being transformed into a giant bug, Autolycus woke up with a strong hankering for hash browns. (Kafka had a bad habit of exaggerating certain things.)
Lord Il Palazzo frequently yells service personell down to tears, which he harvests off their still-shaking bodies and feeds to his mutant creation, Service Hating Guy, with the goal of making everyone in the service industry suffer.
This is due to a slight misunderstanding between Palazzo and a travelling merchant, who asked him if he wanted to weck up to thees.
Gukumatz IRL is Frank Grimes Jr.
Every time God kills a kitten, Annie-Xmas masturbates.
fetus was actually self-aware 7 days after conception, and composed three odes and a sonnet before being born. Unfortunately, they were in a self-created language that nobody (including fetus) understands.
**Fetus ** holds the world’s record for earliest memory – he remembers the occasion of his own conception. The fact that he can recall the scent of Old Spice and how the fishnet stockings sounded sliding off is remarkable, as well.
It’s funny, but 5-4-Fighting remembers the same things as well, though from a different perspective.
rayh likes to load goat porn on his Ipod and show it to old ladies on the subway.
hocow was recently arrested in a sweep against bovine prostitution.
hocow is Iron Man.
Der Trihs and elfkin477 are die hard fans of the Teletubbies. They take turns dressing up as Tinky Winky.
hocow was responsible for the bursting of the dot.com bubble in the '90s. He was supposed to work out the step before “Profit!” but he blew it off to surf Internet porn (mostly gay-bondage-obesity-scat).
BrainGlutton is the actual author of the last four Tom Clancy novels. It appears that the next one is going to feature Jack Ryan tracking down the devil cat that’s actually responsible for world terrorism and feeding it to the reanimated corpse of Abraham Lincoln’s favorite dog.
InvisibleWombat is responsible for the death of four Presidents, including Abraham Lincoln and Calvin Coolidge.
**Fetus ** is looking for a venture capitalist to underwrite a dazzlingly original business idea that is sure to make millions: beet-flavored cough drops!
The snark I’m sure you noticed in CairoCarol’s last post is just her being bitter about her failed business venture: cough-syrup-flavored beets.
Fetus once got kicked out of Boston Market for using the cornbread as a masturbatory aide.