''Parade'' magazine is fomenting falsehoods

Perhaps “falsehoods” is too strong a word, but… well, I’ll let it speak for itself.

Following is the text of an email I just sent to the editors of “Parade,” that glossy insert that appears in many newspapers’ Sunday editions.

Of course, this brings up a few items for discussion.

Imprimis: Should we really expect accuracy from a celebrity-fellating rag like “Parade”? Of course not. But given my suspicion that its probable demographic covers exactly the sort of readers who would benefit from accurate information, it chafes me to no end to see half-assed stuff like this making it into print.

Segundo: Does this sort of thing really matter? …I trust I don’t need to address this. Let me know if you disagree, and I’ll fire up the Big Guns.

Terzi: What the hell was I doing reading “Parade” in the first place? Sorry, I was bored. Jon Stewart was interviewing the singularly untalented Andie MacDowell last night, so I killed those minutes browsing through the paper. I came across this tidbit entirely by accident; I may very well have missed it if they had gotten to the Nick Nolte moment of Zen a few seconds earlier.

If I’m making too big a deal out of this, let me know. Otherwise join the crusade and send 'em an email at the link above.

[sub][fogey voice] mutter mutter sassifrassin’ sunzabitches don’t even know how the dadblum gummint works mutter mutter[/sub]

That reminds me, last week’s Time magazine had an article on Lance Armstrong, wherein they stated that his cancer treatments inexplicably caused him to get better at the mountains. As far as I know, this is simply a hypothesis that some nationalistic idiots in France have to explain how an American could possibly win their beloved Tour. Of course, I don’t really know anything for certain, so I haven’t bothered to write to them about it.

Incidentally, is it me, or has Time gotten less concerned with objectivity over the past few years?

Dear Parade:

I love Britney Spears’s new album, Oops, I Did It Again, as well as her Pepsi commercials. Will she be doing any more product endorsements?

Fictitia Phonywitz
Kansas City, MO

Dear Fictitia:

Britney’s busy schedule (she’s been touring for the last nine months) leaves her little time for a personal life. “I can barely get to church three times a week,” gushes America’s favorite starlet breathlessly as she loosens her bustier. But she’s definitely got her eye on the green - she’ll be filming a new series of blockbuster commercials for Outback Steakhouse. “I’ve always loved a thick, juicy hunk of…meat!,” the dewy-eyed songbird ejaculates, “and by the way, I’m saving my virginity for marriage.”

I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean. Just something I’ve felt like posting for a long time and this seemed to be an opportunity to do it.

This is totally unrelated, but it reminds me of this TVSpotlight thing that we get with our Sunday paper. There’s this question and answer column and I swear to God, questions dumber than that get asked. For example, “Are Regis and Kathie Lee married to each other. I say they are, but my husband claims that Regis is married to Ann-Margaret and Kathie Lee to Matthew Modine. Who’s right?” And my all-time favorite–" William Holden is my favorite actor; how come I haven’t seen him in any movies recently?"


I figure that Lance Armstrong’s success is due to his cancer. I’ve ridden a racing bike and obviously the fewer balls one has the more comfortable that seat is. With my three, it is REALLY uncomfortable.


IANAD. But, from all the articles and news I’ve read on him, it’s pretty close to the truth. Before his cancer Lance weighed about 180-ish and for his muscle mass, that’s a pretty heavy load to carry. After his cancer treatments, it is postulated that due to the chemo, etc., he lost some bone mass, but retained his muscle mass. He now weighs about 165. The resultant loss of 10 to 15 pounds at that elite level of racing has made him a lighter, better, faster rider. Of course his motivation, et al., is also quite different now.
Signed, a Lance Fanatic

I hope Jan Ullrich doesn’t go get himself some lymphoma just to try to overtake Lance.

I was tempted to write to Time about their cover about how humans had “evolved from apes”, but figured that there’s no way they’d give a shit about something as insignificant as “scientific accuracy”.

Yeah, I saw that one. It sure is hard enough to fight that misconception without Time getting in on the act.

[more hijack]

From what I’ve heard here in Austin, in an interview w/ Lance, it wasn’t bone mass that was lost, but “excessive” upper body muscle mass. Before the Big Casino, he was strong all-around. In his post-chemo training, he gained back the lower body strength, while not building up as much mass in his upper body.


I’ve read that book, it’s called The People’s Choice. In it, the president-elect is killed after the election (of course), but before the Electoral College has convened to cast their ballots. The book goes into some detail about how the actual electors are chosen, what happens when those ordinary people become the focus of national attention, and who they should vote for when the candidate they’re pledged to isn’t around.

The second half of the book bogs down a bit, but the first half is great satire. The circumstances leading up to the president-elect’s death are hysterical.

I saw an interview with Jeff Greenfield several months ago. Apparently, when the book was published he couldn’t get any interest for the movie rights. Everyone considered it just beyond the pale. After last November the studios were beating a path to his door.

robot arm
I tried to answer your email, but my messages keep getting bounced as undeliverable. Sorry we missed connections for the ball game. I just didn’t want you to think I was being rude by not answering…

Sorry for the interruption. Please return to castigating fluff in the Sunday paper.

Off topic, but I recommend Jeff Greenfield’s recent book Oh, Waiter! One Order of Crow : Inside the Strangest Presidential Election Finish in American History. For those that don’t know, Greenfield’s regular gig is with CNN and he has some interesting insights from the press’s perspective on the election and the mess that followed.