As a parent of two children, I have been getting questions about death lately. My son woke up in tears and told me that “he had been thinking about when he dies, he is just going to lay there”
I am personally an advocate that belief in a higher power (God) can be a good thing but I don’t believe in religion per say. The good comes from basic moral teachings, an ease to which parents can comfort children.
I want him to make up his own mind what he wants to believe.
What comforting advice can I give him sans (when you die you go to heaven) that will offer the same type of comfort?
I’m not a parent, but I’d suggest you talk to him more about what he worries about. Does he think he’ll be bored? That it will hurt to be dead? Maybe you can allay his fears if they are expressed in more specific terms.
He is 8. Understandable, however I wanted to clear my own thoughts first and answer him when I have better advice to give him.
Being that he is only 8, I don’t want to just tell him “well son, when you are dead, you’re dead”
One thing you should tell him is that he probably won’t die for a very, very long time. (You needn’t add that, by that time, he’ll be so sick and tired of living that he will welcome the sweet release of death. ;))
You can tell him that, when he does die, it won’t be “him” lying there: it will be his body, but he won’t be in it any more. Nobody knows what happens to your mind/soul/spirit when you die—some people think you go to heaven, or some kind of an afterlife [and images of heaven, etc. are all over pop culture, so if he’s not familiar with the idea yet, he soon will be]; some people think you just don’t exist anymore… You can go into as much detail as you want about what various people believe about what happens after death.
Thanks. I think that will alleviate most of his concerns. I was thinking along these same lines but didn’t know how to get it across without talking in depth of the various types of possible afterlives.
Interesting question. I’m surprised we never encountered this with our kids. My wife and I were both atheists, and from as soon as my kids could ask such questions we were open with telling them that we don’t believe in a god or heaven, but many other people do. And that never made my kids worry about death.
I think the suggested questions would be a good start. And I’d probably turn it into a whole Lion King “Circle of Life” type discussion, distracting the kid towards science. And also stress that he doesn’t need to worry about that for a lon LONG time, and that the thing he DOES have control over is having the most fun and productive life he can.
Good luck. And props to you for even thinking about this as you are. I think by far the main thing s talking openly with your kid to whatever lengths he wishes. The specific content is likely secondary.
My oldest son is 6 and experienced the deaths of his grandfather and our dog, so he’s asked these questions. We explained that when people or animals die, their bodies go back into the earth and the nutrients help feed the plants, which help feed the animals, etc. and that we can talk about our loved ones who are gone in order to keep the memories of them. He found that explanation comforting and talks about death pretty matter-of-factly now.
Reminds me - when my eldest was a toddler, we took her along to one of my great aunt’s wakes. And all 3 of them came to the wake when Joe - an old guy 2 doors down - died. (You’ll need to decide on a case-by-case basis, but IME grieving folk are generally glad for the distraction of a happy, well-behaved kid.)
Not saying you should go out of your way to expose your young kids to death, but I think it can cause problems to overly shelter them from it.
My daughter (6) hasn’t had any trouble with “dead is dead” so far. I believe my husband has mentioned that no one knows for sure what happens, but I have definitely stated that as far as I know, you stop. There is no “you” anymore.
If she inquires further or seems scared, I will also remember to mention something I found comforting, from Mark Twain: “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
Also, FWIW, when I was Catholic I was scared to death of the idea of eternal life, (not even in hell, necessarily, just being conscious forever) so don’t worry that the religious have a corner on comfort.
I really like this idea. My three-year old has been asking about where certain people are who’ve long since passed away (for example, where is my mom’s mom and why doesn’t she come over?) and I think this is a great explanation. It’s generally truthful, but reassuring at the same time.
When my three-year old asks me why people or things die, I’ve told him that sometimes people’s, bugs’ and animals’ bodies stop working, and that something like that won’t happen to him for a long, long time. So far, he’s found that acceptable; then again, he’s 3, not 8, so probably doesn’t require as much detail as an older kid would.
It’s interesting how kids can react so differently to the same approach. My parents, both devout atheists, had a very pragmatic approach - maybe too pragmatic for me. You live, you die, your body goes back to the earth and that’s it. I was extremely distraught. I remember the feeling of claustrophobic panic like it was yesterday. Six years old and flung headfirst into Weltschmerz.
In other words - it’s probably a good idea to present multiple views on what death is and what happens after. Being told only “the truth” isn’t always the most constructive approach. (Your weltschmerz may vary, of course)
The book Raising Freethinkers might be helpful to you, as it has a chapter on death and of course the other things that come up in life when you don’t want to go the easy way out with “God says so & God did it.”
Don’t confuse belief in God with belief in any particular religion.
It’s not clear to me whether you do believe in God or not, but whatever your beliefs are, consider sharing them with your kids. Your sincerity will go a long way in providing reassurance and comfort, even if you’re unsure yourself.
“Some believe this and some believe that, and this is the part that makes sense to me, and this is the part that doesn’t make sense to me” – Good explanations of your feelings, tailored to his understanding of course, will teach him how to gather information so that he can begin to form his own ideas.
