**trusqirt **is going into grade three next year. He is doing very well in a regular school, despite an early diagnosis of autism, which is now barely discernable. From what a great many (n>30) women have said, he is/will be remarkably good looking. At the end of grade two the kids were already starting with the “girl x loooves trusquirt” taunts.
I am at somewhat of a loss on how to help him handle it. It rather flustered him. I told him that whatever he did, he must be kind to whatever girl is mentioned, and not try to profess disgust re. the girl in question to try to disprove the teasing. That they were just being silly. But I have precious little else to offer. My clue-gauge is showing fumes…
I myself did not cope well with this in my childhood. At all. Parents only made it worse. Anxiety levels exceeded those of my second skydive, my parachute malfunction, doing CPR on my dying Dad, and first time singing in public. It drove me to seek out a boys-only high school to flee it.
What strategies can help him deal with this in a low key and kind manner? He can implement strategies and follow advice on how to handle social situations, especially if you coach him a bit ahead of time, but the autism has left him somewhat socially awkward (and we’re grateful beyond words that’s all we have to face, but it still remains…) It means he needs a bit more specific advice and coaching than neurotypical kids.
I have the summer to get up to speed on this. And then I fear it will begin in earnest. Any advice would be really appreciated. Anecdotes and examples are welcome. Both for taunts where a given girl is said to like him, and where he’s teased for being sweet on a girl.
[insert geeky yet clever StarWars allusion to “only hope” and “Obiwan” here]
The reason any teasing or bullying is ever successful is because it elicits an emotional response from someone. As alien as it sounds, simply playing along with the teasing is sure to ruin it for everyone. At first everyone will be baffled, but if he simply acts like he doesn’t give a damn no one will persist. That may be asking a bit much on his part, but if he is capable of this than it’s his best shot.
Otherwise just teach him how to lace juiceboxes with crushed sleeping pills. Worked for me.
Talk to his teachers before the school year starts, and his principal and vice principals. If you’re in the US your school ought to have a policy against bullying - and this is a form of bullying. Adults need to come in on this early and seriously. One of the happier moments I had when my autistic son was in grade school was when his 5th grade teacher intervened to stop him being teased. She told the class forcefully “We respect differences here!”
I love the advice that you gave your son - he must be kind to “Suzy” and not insult or tease her. Make sure your son knows that it’s OK to talk to a teacher after the event, and to name names. OTOH, if you’re son is like mine he won’t know the names of faces of kids he’s shared classrooms with his whole life. Frustrating, that.
Remind him to ignore the teasing, and let the other kids look like freaks. Easier advice to give than to do, especially for kids, and especially for kids on the spectrum.
I’m afraid you’re i for a long road, but keep at it.
I think talking to his teachers ahead of time to give them a heads-up that this is a weak area for him would be a good idea, too. I also like your advice to him to be kind to the girls instead of saying, “EW! I hate her!” I must also regretfully support the idea that this is the world he’s going to live in, and he’ll have to develop coping skills like everyone else.
The best advice I ever got in dealing with bullies when I was little was to pretend they’re saying something nice to you and respond accordingly. If there’s nothing to say, just a bright, “Thanks!” or “Thanks for the advice!” or something at least gives them something to say. Or he could even go further and be specific- “You think Suzy likes me? I don’t blame her. I’m pretty cute.”
For me, “ignore it” meant “say nothing and just stand there turning red and trying not to cry”- taking it as a compliment at least gave me something to say in return, and something really boring, confusing, or frustrating rather than giving them the satisfaction of trying to fight.
It also helped me to evaluate their insults for exactly what they say- “you’re short”? well okay, that’s true. so? “you’re in love with Chris” Well that’s not true, so why would saying that hurt me? And even if it were true, so what? I learned to look at what they were actually saying and shrug it off most of the time. All kinds of things can be said in a nasty voice and made to sound like they mean something and they really don’t.
I think when people say “just ignore it” it’s with the intention of denying the taunters their intended payoff of seeing their victim upset. But saying nothing is probably not entirely useful either, since emotional reactions can be visible anyway, and it leaves the comment unadressed.
SurrenderDorothy, your ideas are giving me hope. Something along the lines like you said of “You think Suzy likes me? That must mean you think I’m pretty handsome” is both a low key response and turns the taunt around into a compliment. **Trusquirt **might even *believe *it’s a compliment too, with his healthy ego and straightforward way of thinking…
For the other direction, what do you think of having him say “Well, Susy’s a nice person. I don’t love her, but I’d like to be her friend…” or would that be seen as an “admission” or be too easy to twist around?
I like the first one. The second one seems kind of, I don’t know, weaselly. Maybe you could make it even shorter and sweeter - “Suzy loves Johnny!” “Sure, why not?”
It’s too oddly detailed and academic for an 8 year old.
Kids that are taunting do not require an explanation of your son’s inner emotional life, his choice in friends, or his hopes for the future (all of which are contained in your proposed answer, BTW).
“uh… okay, if you say so” is plenty. You want to convey that it’s not important either way.
This is also one of those situation where rolling one’s eyes and saying “whatever” is the kid version of “I do not intend to dignify that with comment.” As my dad used to say “don’t argue with idiots - they drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.”
I have hard time calling the behavior the OP describes as bullying. It sounds more like general playground picking. They are hoping to get a rise out of him. The best response I could encourage your son to take when confronted with “Suzy likes trusquirt!” is for your son to respond with “So?” The taunters tend to not have much of a response, and their effort to get him to become frustrated or angry has failed…so they move on to someone else.
Well, since oddly detailed and academic is an uncannily succinct description of his dad, point taken. Thanks for that.
You guys are really coming up with some good, short, simple ones, like:
**
In Winnipeg’s** “What? are you jealous?” and “She must have really good taste!”
The plain ol’ “So?” <shrug> is good too. Dare I teach him the nuclear option “What-ever” <roll-eyes>? This feels suspiciously like arming a bunch of underground fighters in Afghanistan 'cuz they happen to be fighting someone I don’t like at the moment.
Hogath & Turnip & Bean, you guys are cracking me up! Thanks for the chuckles.
My 7 year old nephew’s response to most teasing is “so” completely deadpan.
He did come up with a different response for this very situation.
He looked very proper and said “I’m too young to date.”
I think he picked it up from his grandma.
“So what?” is perfect in this scenario. If they escalate it with “Are you going to kiss her?! are you going to marry her?! giggle giggle” stuff, (which they will, probably) have him reply with: “No, don’t be stupid.” That should be delivered as disdainfully as he can. Then tell him to walk away. it doesn’t convey any rudeness to the girl in question, while delivering a strong message to the taunters that they are being babies; something that any child of that age dreads.
