Parents of the SDMB- need advice on dealing with sibling rivalry

In My Humble Opinion
1

Here’s the sitch: I just started a nanny job, I’ve been there about a month. I watch two boys in their home- Big Brother (BB) is 3 years old, and Little Brother (LB) is about 15 months old. They are both adopted, and LB just came into the family in September. He was adopted from Russia, and his mom brought up a good point: he understands Russian, and he’s had to learn to understand English- in fact, he’s probably still learning.

I have no problems dealing with BB- I was a pre-k teacher, and he hasn’t really shown any sibling rivalry yet. But I have noticed that whenever I am playing with BB, or if he is sitting on my lap, LB has to come over and pull on my arm and make whiny noises. Today, BB and I were tossing a ball around, and LB kept coming over to me and standing in front of me and wanting me to hold him. I would move him to the side and try to re-direct his attention with one of his toys, but that only worked for a very short time.

LB is at the stage where he has to “check on” me a lot- for example, if he’s motoring around in the kitchen while I’m fixing lunch, he will come over to me a couple times and want me to pick him up for a moment. Or if I’m sitting behind him while he’s playing, he’ll turn to make sure I’m still there.

I’m at a loss on what to do. Both kids are really sweet, and I really enjoy working there, and both of them really like me. I guess I’m realizing that I have very little training on dealing with a toddler. I know plenty of games to play with him, and songs and the like, but as far as dealing with behavior, I’m really unsure. LB understands “No”, if he toddles over to the phone and tries to start playing with it, I’ll tell him no and then try and re-direct his attention to a toy, or pick him up and move him to re-direct him. But how do I deal with LB wanting all the attention? I noticed that when I was moving him out of the way, he would get upset and whine. So I’d hug him for a moment, and them sit him down and give him a toy.

Any advice from parents, or other nannies or child-care professionals would be greatly appreciated! Also if anyone has any books or websites on dealing with toddlers, that would be good too. Thanks a lot!

2

Well, we have a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old. Our approach when the younger one was littler was to pamper him a bit. Younger kids need more physical reassurance that you are available, and I expect this is especially true in this situation. I’d say humor him a little. The three year old is old enough to understand that babies need more help/attention than “big boys.” We also try to enlist our daughter’s help in comforting and entertaining baby brother. I think that really helps later on, too.

This stage is kind of complicated. They really don’t have any impulse control, but they are starting to get the desire to explore things on their own and try new things. They get upset and frustrated easily, but it blows over quickly, too. Keep your chin up. Pretty soon you’ll be able to interest him in games and toys that last more than 30 seconds.

3

I’ll second cher. My boys are all two years apart. Enlist the older sibling in playing with the younger sibling. Maybe even slight helping. With the attention of both you and the older child, the younger gets more attention, and the older doesn’t feel excluded as he’s “helping”.

4

Mine are 27 months apart, but your situation is different than most. Both of your children were “only” children for a while. LB, since he just came from Russia, was probably never an only child in the sense we think of, but he is not used to having a particular older brother. My son looks up to his older sister, which is a natural tendency for children, and this may be true for your two now, or it will likely develop that way. I’d try to encourage that angle, and try to get them to play together as much as possible. The three year old is also used to getting all of the attention and it’s quite natural that you and his parents favor him a bit at this point as you are more familiar and comfortable with him. So go out of your way to be as neutral as possible, erring on the side of favoring the younger one. This is tricky, because the older one will see you as favoring the younger even though you are attempting to remain neutral. That’s why it’s helpful to build an alliance between the two. Teach them to love each other: “Tell your brother you love him! Give him a hug/kiss.” “BB, can you show your LB how to…” The younger one will learn from the older one: hostility, love, sharing, not sharing, being neat, whatever he sees.

It will take a while, but just have patience and remember everything the kid(s) have been through.

5

If the parents can afford a nanny, one of them can afford to stay home with their kids.

Both children would be far better off with their parents (one full-time caregiver, I mean) than a hired caretaker. You’re a obviously caring person, but you are in no way a permanent fixture in their lives.

One month, huh? That completely sucks. Was there another nanny before you? I’m just wondering because that would mean in the two months that this baby has been in this new country (with this new family who speaks a new language) he has had a new “mommy”/female authority figure every few weeks since his arrival.

I’d whine and cling, too.

Romana

6

If the parents can afford a nanny, one of them can afford to stay home with their kids.

Both children would be far better off with their parents (one full-time caregiver, I mean) than a hired caretaker. You’re a obviously caring person, but you are in no way a permanent fixture in their lives.

One month, huh? That completely sucks. Was there another nanny before you? I’m just wondering, because that would mean in the two months that this baby has been in this new country (with this new family who speaks a new language) he has had a new “mommy”/female authority figure every few weeks since his arrival.

I’d whine and cling, too.

Romana

7

OOPS. Sorry for the double post.

Romana

8

Gosh, how f***ing helpful.

9

Thanks for the advice, y’all. Actually, BB is a very nuturing and loving little boy- whenever LB wakes up from his nap, BB wants to hug and kiss him. It’s a good idea to try and enlist BB to “help” me with LB. Maybe I can come up with some games for the three of us to play together.

LB is interesting in that he is VERY friendly, will go up to total strangers if you let him, but he can be very clingy. When he wakes up from his nap, especially. I can count on having him on my hip for the next 20 minutes or more, and then it’s all smiles.

Romana, it’s time to switch to decaf, hon- regular seems to be making you a little bitter! Yes, in an ideal world, one parent would be able to stay home with their children. I agree with you that that’s the best for all children. Just to let you know, though- they are paying me a pittance- my hourly rate works out to something like $4.08. It’s not that much, and it’s a whole lot less than what they would pay at a daycare center or preschool where their children would be one of many and not get the individualized attention that I can give them. No, there wasn’t another nanny before me. Mom stayed home with them for a while (not sure how long), then she had to go back to work, and a relative was watching them, along with a few other children.

I need to remember that both boys are going through an adjustment period. Thanks for reminding me of that, Shibboleth!

10

This is the opinion section of the SDMB, isn’t it? I gave mine, thank you for yours. I consider my posted opinion to be useful because children behave in certain ways for specific reasons. She can distract the child all she wants with toys, but I don’t see from what she said that it’s really sibling rivalry, or age-related. What is most likely the problem has probably more to do with being thrown into a strange new world with new people, etc. It can take adults months to settle in a new country. And while normally children are much more resilient, this child also has a new family, language, and nanny. And who is to say that he was not already bonded with another caretaker from his native country?

Thank you, cher3, for the opportunity to restate my previous point- that REALLY, REALLY sucks.

Romana

11

Um, Romana? Did you even read my whole post? I wrote the original OP, did you notice? And no, I did not consider what you said to be helpful. You seem to have a problem with nannies and/or adoption. I said I need advice, not people spewing bitterness against what I’m doing.

12

moggy, did you read my post? I was addressing cher3. But now I will address you.

Logical statement of facts is not bitterness- unless you happen to disagree with those stated facts. You said you were a nanny in the original OP. I stated that a person or couple who can afford a nanny (usually NOT a low-paying job) could certainly afford to stay home with their kids. In fact, couples can sometimes save money by having one partner work while the other stays home full-time. [Reference: The Tightwad Gazette Vol.3 by Amy Dacyczyn]

Now for my opinion.
A child in the situation that you have described would be much better off bonding with a permanent person in their life- not hired help. All the love and kisses and understanding that you can give this kid can be permanently removed on a whim. It has already been beyond his control to have a new everything in his life-I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing, but now it will take even longer for him to bond with his new mother because (for whatever reason) she isn’t there. In the meantime, he has to bond with all the other caretakers, who will all dissappear into oblivion like his old life. For that reason, unless you actually can be there for him until he moves out of his house I don’t think anything you will do is very useful.

The only reason I posted in the first place is because no one else mentioned the obvious (to me) link between his situation and his behavior. I had hoped that it would be more useful to you to know WHY.

But perhaps not…

Romana

13

Romana: “You don’t think anything I will do is very useful”. THANK YOU for insulting me and my job (NOT)! Yes, it’s a damn shame that this child was an orphan and has had to adjust to many changes in his life. Yes, it’s a damn shame that one of his parents can’t be there full-time to raise him. They are doing the best that they can right now, and I want to do the best that I can while the kids are in my charge. I think it’s probably better to have them at home with one caretaker than to ship them off to a daycare center every day, where they will have to deal with many other children vying for the attention of the staff, who may or may not be consistently there. And you know what? The mom is most likely quitting her job at the end of the school year- she’s a teacher- so that she can stay at home with the boys.
And I want to care for these children as best I can, which includes ASKING FOR ADVICE about a situation I’m unsure of. Maybe some of his behavior is related to his situation. But I’m sure sibling rivalry is going to rear its head sooner or later, so I’d like to know how to deal with it.

Again, I ask parents etc for their advice (not insults) on sibling rivalry as described in the origianl OP. Thank you.

14

By the way, moggy, he’s behaving perfectly normally for his age. Most young toddlers go through a clingy stage. It’s perfectly natural.

And by the way, you’d better believe you’re doing something valuable. Whether you stay forever or not, children aren’t as stupid as Romanadvoratrelundar seems to think. They recognize when someone likes them and treats them well. They are open enough to let their lives be enriched, not damaged, by being cared for by more than one person. They know mommy and daddy love them more than anything even if they do have jobs. All this talk about “bonding” is just a load of crap. Children are human beings, not geese.

15

Thank you, cher3, for the support. :slight_smile: I know I’m doing something valuable, but it’s nice when other people acknowledge that.