Someone told me something today that creeped me out. Now I am starting to wonder if maybe I’m the creep.
Okay one of my co-workers was complaining about how many people live in his house. He said that his 4 year old daughter sleeps in the same room with him and his girlfriend. I said, “it must be hard to have sex” and he said that they are careful. I asked him what he meant and he said that his daughter has a crib that’s in a walk in closet with the doors taken off so she can’t see the bed from her crib and that they are very quiet.
My first reaction inside was that that was really really not right because 4 years old is too old for this arrangement. But then I felt guilty like, maybe I’m dirty minded. After all there are probably a lot of young families in that situation, bachelor apartments are that way and I’m sure that young couples have sex even in that situation otherwise there would be no brothers and sisters. But then this other part of me is saying, noooooo it’s wrong.
I don’t know, that’s pretty much the way people lived (and quite a lot still do around the world) going back to before we were humans. If it is, it’s only to our modern sensabilities.
I kind of thought that too, and I don’t really think kids should sleep in closets. The whole thing freaks me out but I don’t have kids and am not always a good judge of normal anyway.
When my sister had her first child, his room was in a walk in closet. It was big enough for all of the baby stuff so it wasn’t so bad.
The way my house it set up, the second bedroom is direct off of ours. To get to it you HAVE to cut through My bedroom, which makes it interesting with the kids. I have not found a good way to remedy this, aside of to switch bedrooms.
When I was a Poor Single Mother, my son slept in a walk in closet in our apartment. That closet was quite large…nearly as large as the bedroom, so it worked out.
When we got a place where he could have his own proper room, my friends joked a lot about how he was coming out of the closet.
Before we moved to a two-bedroom place when I was about five, my parents and I lived in a one-bedroom apartment. There was no room for me and my bed in the tiny bedroom, so I slept in a corner of the living room. My bed was against the wall facing the front door. Not an ideal place by any stretch of the imagination, but that’s the best we could do.
Likewise, I think your co-worker and his girlfriend are coping with the situation as best they can. The kid sleeping in a closet sounds bad, but we don’t know how big this closet is. If there’s enough room for air to circulate and for one of them to tend to the kid if (s)he need attention, then there’s nothing wrong with him/her sleeping there.
The alternative is letting the kid sleep in their bed. But if there’s no harm in the current arrangement, there’s nothing to be gained and a sex life to be lost by choosing this.
I hope they find a more spacious living space soon. They won’t be able to keep this up for long.
When I was a little girl, My parents had me in a walk in closet too. I never heard or saw a thing. All I remember is how big it was, and the light.
Slept like a rock. I was probably about 3 or 4, it wasn’t for that long, just until they got the upstairs kid’s room fixed up. But I’m adding to the “difficult situation, but not creepy” crowd here.
I wouldn’t call it creepy, either. They’re clearly in pretty cramped quarters, but sometimes that’s just the way it is. As for having sex quietly – that’s nothing terribly unusual with small children. My husband and I have two kids who were born less than a year apart. They shared a room for the first 2 -3 years of their lives, then we moved to a place with a room for each of them. But in both of those houses the bedrooms were small and pretty close together. And we couldn’t sleep with our bedroom door closed, or the kids bedroom doors closed in case they woke up and needed something. So, my husband and I often had sex with the kids only a few feet away – albeit in separate rooms – and without any doors closed between. We just did it quietly.
I do think she’s a little old for a crib, though. But maybe they can’t afford a bed for her.
I think you guys are reading a little too much into the word “crib.” Most all of these things now-a-days convert from crib to toddler bed, etc. Heck I saw one the other day that turned into a pair of chairs when the kid outgrew it. Chances are they just call the thing “crib” out of habit but it is currently in some other configuration.
As far as the “creepy” factor, I don’t see it at all. We have a freind who uses the walk in closet in her appartment as her bedroom. This in effect gives her an extra room in a one bedroom apartment. The “closet” is HUGE. She has room for a double bed with a nightstand next to it. The thing must be 6 X 9 or so. I’ve seen houses advertised with bedrooms smaller than that. So don’t judge the situation by the word closet.
Also, parents have been finding ways to kanoodle with little ones nearby for thousands of years. Especially a generation or two ago when families were much larger and houses much smaller. There is nothing creepy about making sure the kids are asleep and then having at it quietly. Thank goodness the little tykes are such sound sleepers.
If I’m picturing the scene correctly, a closet with doors removed is more like an alcove or bay than a closet. So, no, I don’t thinks it’s wrong, but I’ll bet they’d like to be in a larger place.
If you live or have lived in a house you have a far different perception of the word closet. It’s one of those small things you put towels in. Mine is HUGE. I have a 1 bed 1 bath apartment and the closet is bigger than the kitchen. A kid’s bed could easily fit in there, and it wouldn’t be cramped at all.
Yes, it’s a bit creepy, but in these situations, people do what they must. It’s probably not what any of them want, but given the circumstances, it’s not entirely their choice.
I think the reason some people think that creating a room in a closet is creepy is the lack of windows. I know that I could not be in a room with no windows for very long at all. If you have a touch of claustrophobia (sp?) it would freak you right the heck out.
As a parent of a 4 year old and a 2 year old, I thought I’d weigh in.
There is nothing that kills the mood faster than being interrupted by one of your kids, even if it’s just hearing crying down the hall. So we are sure the kids are good and asleep before trying anything (unless it’s a quicky in the laundry room or something).
I don’t see a problem with a large walk-in closet with no doors serving as a kid’s room. The word “crib” got me too, but I’ll give the benefit that it could be a toddler bed (except that most people refer to a toddler bed as such, or as a bed). If it’s a crib, I would have a problem with it.
Ever see the movie Salvador with James Woods? Excellent flick. There is a scene where Woods and his girlfriend are doing it in a hammock, and swinging in a hammock just a few feet away is their son, probably aged 3-5, wide awake. Doesn’t bother them, doesn’t seem to bother him. Maybe it’s an uptight, first-world kind of creepy perception.
If the kid doesn’t know about sex yet, then he’ll just interpret it as “Mom and Dad sure make weird noises when they sleep”. Upon finding that Mom and Dad are consistently unharmed when morning comes, he won’t worry about it. It’ll be no different than listening to them snore.
If he DOES know about sex, then he may or may not be embarrassed, depending on his personality. My own room was right next to my parents’ room, and I could sometimes hear them. I knew what they were doing, and I didn’t worry about it. Mom had gotten sterilized years before, so whatever they did in there wasn’t going to affect me in any way.
We just have this weird notion drifting around in our culture that somehow mere awareness of sex is damaging to children. But remember that most of our ancestors not only lived in very small houses with their parents and multiple siblings, but also lived on family farms, saw animals having sex, helped deliver their babies, and he knew perfectly well that a similar process occurred in humans (except not usually in the mud). They turned out okay.
This is normal and okay and common. No matter how many rooms are in the house, its always a little odd to have sex with children around. They do tend to night wander into mom and dad’s room - even with doors closed - wake up coughing unexpectedly, etc. Most people still keep kids that age close enough to listen for them during the night - I live in a large house and I can hear my kids breathe in their rooms if they are congested.
What disturbs me about this story is that you pried into your co-workers sex life (in my world, not okay - that is creepy) and then jumped to some value conclusions based on that answer. He didn’t tell you. You asked. He gave you an answer, and then you pried some more.
here’s an interesting view about childrens’ awareness of their parent’s bedroom activity:
I once read a magazine article saying “my kid walked in while we were making love and then ran out of the room screaming and crying. It took a half hour to calm him down. Is he damaged for life?”
The answer:–look at it from the child’s viewpoint:
the boy walked into his parent’s bedroom, -and thought he saw them FIGHTING with each other. He saw a physical struggle going on, and got scared.
We adults love to think that sex is dangerous for kids to see.
But the kid doesnt see the sexual relations–he only sees Daddy pushing Mommy around.
So it’s good to be discrete—but not for the puritannical reasons that we tend to be so uptight about!
