Parents: Should your teenager get permission before changing their appearance?

In My Humble Opinion
41

I dunno.

We have always been able to “get away with” proposing/imposing all kinds of “rules” which our kids could have disobeyed, but didn’t. I see no reason why “Not in my house” need be an idle threat (tho an intelligent parent might phrase it otherwise).

We never tried to pretend that our home was a democracy, or that we were relying upon anything other than our right/power to make and enforce certain rules. We are willing to discuss ANYTHING. But we have no qualms about laying down the law contrary to our kids’ wishes if we deem it appropriate.

Maybe we were able to use our power-of-the-purse to convince the kids that compliance or anything short of outright defiance would be preferable than whatever benefit they might derive from getting their way and shocking/pissing us off.

A lot of it comes down to money. Our kids did not have jobs until they were 16. They get small allowances, we do not pay for chores, and they don’t get huge cash gifts from family. So - in short - they are largely dependent on us for their clothing, toiletries, entertainment, food, etc. So long as they respect our authority to make certain rules (and we try not to abuse that authority) we tend be be very generous, respectful of their wishes, and supportive of their interests. Perhaps they have simply made an economic choice that the benefits they would derive from outrageous behavior would not be worth the costs involved.

42

[QUOTE=The King of Soup]
They’ll remember how much you hurt them long after they forget the stupid hairstyle that prompted it. This is not, in the long run, a recipe for love and respect for and emulation of their parents.
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Besides this, it may backfire. The Spring Break after I grew my hair out, my dad tried this with me, but stopped very shortly after I pointed out that I knew where he kept all his college photos, and how he styled his hair back then.

We’re moving into a time where parents are the ones who may have worn the Flock of Seagulls, so…

Well, watch where you step.

43

[QUOTE=The King of Soup]
I don’t know about this. A remark or two, if there’s really something funny there, probably will come naturally and not need to be forced. And everyone needs to learn eventually not to take themselves too seriously. But gratuitous ridicule is more of a bludgeon than a scalpel, and teenagers tend to be especially vulnerable to it. They’ll remember how much you hurt them long after they forget the stupid hairstyle that prompted it. This is not, in the long run, a recipe for love and respect for and emulation of their parents.
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I agree. You’ll remember the laughter and the stings until you’re 50.

44

[QUOTE=LifeOnWry]
I’ve let my daughter color her hair every color of the rainbow and then some… but I think I’d be pissed if she did it without at least telling me first. Not too long ago she and a bunch of her girlfriends decided they were going to go dye a guy-friend’s hair for him. The guy is 19, but my reaction was still, “Do Ryan’s parents know about this??”

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Okay, I told Friend about this thread (didn’t show it to her) and now I’m wondering: If your daughter did change her hair without telling you, would you only be mad at her, or would you involve the salon?

I told Friend about this thread (didn’t show it to her), and it seems that the main issue with her is that her mom was at one point adamant that she should call the salon (or “beauty parlor” as she called it) and complain. Tell them neither she nor her son would return again, and ask them who they thought they were and yadda yadda.

Now, Grandma does not live with them; close enough that she’s over a lot, but not in their house. If it had come to it, Friend would have played the “It’s MY house” card, but as it was, all she did say was, “Well, what law did they break?” If Friend had been upset about this, she says, she still wouldn’t have made a scene with the salon, because that would have been like announcing to the community that her son defies her.

One thing she is happy about, though, is that paying the extra for the highlights wiped out his petty cash for a while. Normally when he goes to that shopping center, he comes back with gum, candy, junk food, magazines he’ll toss after reading them once, and like that. So for once, “He spent it on something that he can see what he got!” (She’s still got his back when it comes to bus fare and so forth, until the next allowance day.)

And boo on making fun of your kid. For all you know, he secretly doesn’t like it either, and is just putting up a front. Not what he needs to hear.

45

[QUOTE=DianaG]

I don’t always love the changes, but our agreement is that it’s her hair, and she can do anything she wants to it, except bleaching. I don’t object to blonde, I just object to the damage. And the roots. Bright blue is fine, roots are tacky. Don’t ask me to justify this thinking!

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Your kid is gonna hate me for telling you this, but the only way to get the blue to show up in hair as actually blue (as opposed to just a blue sheen when the light hits it) is to bleach it, unless her hair is already naturally very very very light. Same with bright red, if it’s a vegetable dye (Manic Panic, Special Effects, Punky Colors, etc).

Veggie dyes (the ones used to get blue or green or pink or whatever) do not use lifters or peroxide or anything. It just deposits a sheet of color onto whatever hair is there. If the hair is dark, at best you’ll get a slight tint and a nice color to the light-shine. If you want your hair to actually be blue or green or pink, you need to bleach it out (blue and pink are especially bitchy, since if you don’t bleach heavily, you usually end up with greens or orange-corals instead of the color you wanted).

46

Anaamika, my mom and I both have the same hair (mixture of black and brown) and like many desi moms, she has aged to a lovely auburn. All due to henna of course.

It looks gorgeous. And it fades out in more pleasant hues.

Last year I got salon red-brown highlights. It has faded out to baboon. I haven’t done anything about it but right now I’m rocking that Indian club slut look, you know with the orange highlights? All I need is a pair of Aish-coloured-contacts.

My mom’s going to mehndi my hair when I go home next week. The tone you get is related to the strength of the mehndi and how long you leave it on, much like bridal mehndi. You also want to make sure to release the dye from the powder before slathering it on.

For us darkies it a) fades more quickly b) the really obvious sheen shows up best in sunlight.

Desi store mehndi:

Do NOT, I repeat do NOT get anything with the chemicals in it. It might be that horrid kala mehndi crap that’s carcinogenic.

There’s one with a Mughal chick on the front with a Muslim name that everyone likes. Cripes, it’s escaping me now, Shabaz? Behnaz? Shabana Azmi? I’ll post when I go home.

If you have longer hair, I think it’s better to have someone else apply it for you properly.

47

If you go to a pro, they can do all kinds of bright and interesting colors. That’s how I ended up with hair like a cherry when I was born with hair like a turd.

Vegetable based semi-permanent colors are fine, but for serious mucking around I really recommend going to a pro. I’ve been having my hair colored every six weeks for thirteen years, and have had it a wide range of colors (sometimes multiple colors at once), and have no damage at all.

The red that I have right now (that cherry red color) will last six weeks and look just as red when I go back to the salon as it does right now because I don’t over-wash. Not only will washing your hair too often fade your color, it strips your scalp of its natural oils and causes your skin to pump out more, or leaves you with dry, scaly flakes. My stylist tells me no more than two washings a week.

48

[QUOTE=catsix]
If you go to a pro, they can do all kinds of bright and interesting colors. That’s how I ended up with hair like a cherry when I was born with hair like a turd.

Vegetable based semi-permanent colors are fine, but for serious mucking around I really recommend going to a pro. I’ve been having my hair colored every six weeks for thirteen years, and have had it a wide range of colors (sometimes multiple colors at once), and have no damage at all.

The red that I have right now (that cherry red color) will last six weeks and look just as red when I go back to the salon as it does right now because I don’t over-wash. Not only will washing your hair too often fade your color, it strips your scalp of its natural oils and causes your skin to pump out more, or leaves you with dry, scaly flakes. My stylist tells me no more than two washings a week.
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Well, yeah, I know that. But I doubt that her teenaged daughter is going to a pro to get her hair bright colors. And even so, they’ll still be doing the same amount of lifting to your hair color; it’s just that it’ll be built into the funky color itself instead of the two step process of bleaching and then coloring. Yes, a professional will know how to minimize the damage to your hair (it is far too easy to melt your hair if you try to bleach it at home without a lot of experience under your belt), but it’s still lifting and damaging your hair more than just going a darker color.

And I completely agree about the hair washing. People constantly rave over how shiny my hair is, but then look disgusted when I say I only wash it 2-3 times a week. Well, hello? I don’t strip the natural oils from my hair every day!

49

[QUOTE=catsix]
The red that I have right now (that cherry red color) will last six weeks and look just as red when I go back to the salon as it does right now because I don’t over-wash. Not only will washing your hair too often fade your color, it strips your scalp of its natural oils and causes your skin to pump out more, or leaves you with dry, scaly flakes. My stylist tells me no more than two washings a week.
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Ooh, that’s what I forgot to say before, in response to MrJackboots’s anecdote about trumping his dad’s complaints with dad’s own college photos. I was not able to do that with my mom. She was a teenager in the 1940s, and she and her classmates all had perfect hair. How? What you said: wash only twice a week, sometimes only once, and brush brush brush brush brush. 100 strokes? Ha! Marcia Brady was a slacker!

50

[QUOTE=Rilchiam]
Okay, I told Friend about this thread (didn’t show it to her) and now I’m wondering: If your daughter did change her hair without telling you, would you only be mad at her, or would you involve the salon?

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Well… she’ll be 17 next week, so technically, she’s not a adult. The kid in the OP is 13? DEFINITELY not an adult. So… yeah, I think I’d be a little ticked at the salon people. Not sure I would DO anything about it, but I think I might be a little annoyed if they did anything more than a trim without a good idea that it was OK with me.

51

I would expect my 13 year old child to consult with me on any major hair change. If he/she did not, I would blame (1) myself, for not supervising my own kid (2) my kid, for being an idiot. I would not blame the salon, they are not his parents.
On a related note, when I take my teen to the salon to get her eyebrows fixed up, I have to sign a consent form.

52

I think that, around here, Oma would be first on the list for Most Likely to Take Kidlet to Get His Hair Changed to a Weird Color. At least, she introduced my two boys to colored hair gel and spiky standup 'dos when they were, um, about 4 or 5.

She 'splained to me that hair gel makes them less likely to get head lice so it’s really a health matter.

What can I tell you, my mother in law is a juvenile delinquent. We tell her that no one will be able to tell if she has a second childhood as she never left the first one.

How I would react to a major and abrupt change would depend on the circumstances. The one you describe doesn’t bother me. I can think of situations in which I would be troubled by a sudden change in hair, wardrobe, what have you. But then it would be as a symptom of something else and not the thing itself.

As a matter of having to get permission? I don’t think it would even make it onto the radar.

53

My mom didn’t always like some of the colors my sisters chose, but she didn’t mind them doing it without asking. We were all allowed to go get our hair cut however we wanted, from a fairly young age. My mom would have cried long and hard if I had ever died my hair though, mainly because it looks like this Copper , although longer (if only my body looked like that). Anyway, because my hair looks like that, I would never dye it so we’re ok. My sisters both have basic dirty blond so my mom wouldn’t care.

As far as tats, my mom wasn’t happy about them but she got over it very quickly, mainly when she realized I didn’t do it out of peer pressure, but because I genuinely wanted them.
My middle sister will probably never allow her daughter to change her appearance, mainly because my sister is trying to pretend she’s never done anything like that in her life. If her daughter does it, it will be a reminder that my sister was not always a good Christian woman.

My oldest sister doesn’t care. Her soon to be step daughter and my cousin asked me to dye their hair. I agreed as long as my sister’s boyfriend said it was ok. I knew my aunt wouldn’t care so I didn’t require her permission. When we called my sister, she said, “it’s her hair, she can do what she wants.”. When these two girls (one 15 and one 16) got to pick their own hair color, they went very extravagent :smiley: . My step-niece got honey blond with slightly darker streaks and my cousin was aiming for my color but got a very nice auburn isntead. Both looked very classy and my sister actually told them they were cowards for going so neutral :rolleyes: . I sometimes think my older sister shouldn’t have kids. Anyway, we were in my grandpa’s apartment when we did it, and he actually paid for the dye. I sent the girls over to my aunt’s apartment (across the hall), and she was thrilled with the change.

If I ever have kids, they will be allowed to change their appearance whenever and however they want. Except for tats, which they can do when they hit 18. If the law ever changes, I’d let them get tats also, but only if they could prove it wasn’t a passing fad. I waited until I was in my mid 20’s just be sure I really wanted to do it. Hair grows back. Color can’t really be permanently dyed because it will always grow out. Hell, my kids can shave their heads bald and dye their pubes orange if they want. If that’s all I have to worry about, I’ll consider myself a lucky and blessed parent.

54

[QUOTE=zweisamkeit]
Your kid is gonna hate me for telling you this, but the only way to get the blue to show up in hair as actually blue (as opposed to just a blue sheen when the light hits it) is to bleach it, unless her hair is already naturally very very very light. Same with bright red, if it’s a vegetable dye (Manic Panic, Special Effects, Punky Colors, etc).

Veggie dyes (the ones used to get blue or green or pink or whatever) do not use lifters or peroxide or anything. It just deposits a sheet of color onto whatever hair is there. If the hair is dark, at best you’ll get a slight tint and a nice color to the light-shine. If you want your hair to actually be blue or green or pink, you need to bleach it out (blue and pink are especially bitchy, since if you don’t bleach heavily, you usually end up with greens or orange-corals instead of the color you wanted).
[/QUOTE]

Oh, we know that, and she’s resigned to sheen. With lots of experimenting, she’s managed to get some fairly vivid results, even with the Manic Panic, although surprisingly, the blue showed up waaaaay better than the green, which produced mounds of mint colored lather every time she washed her hair for a week, but never showed in her hair at all, even under bright lights.

55

[QUOTE=DianaG]
Oh, we know that, and she’s resigned to sheen. With lots of experimenting, she’s managed to get some fairly vivid results, even with the Manic Panic, although surprisingly, the blue showed up waaaaay better than the green, which produced mounds of mint colored lather every time she washed her hair for a week, but never showed in her hair at all, even under bright lights.
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Oh, okay! :slight_smile:

My mom didn’t care much about what I did to my hair (aside from occasional grumblings that I dyed it too much), although I was limited in what I could do since I went to a Catholic high school. That’s why I did my funky stuff over the summer. :smiley: The summer I was 16 I had purple hair and the summer after that I did bright red. That one was funny. Mom told me I couldn’t do all of my hair (since I wanted to bleach to get the true color). So I just did strips… across my entire part line so it looked like I had almost all the funky color with just some dark low-lights underneath. :smiley:

The funny thing is that it was supposed to be a super dark burgundy red, even after bleaching. Cool! I thought. Yeah, uh… not so much. It literally turned this color and was totally permanent. Senior pictures were coming up and I used stripping shampoo 8 times. Nothing. I had roots growing in above the still Lola-Rennt-Red (I ended up just dyeing over it). But it was totally fun! The best thing about it is that little kids loooooove seeing funky hair. They think you’re the neatest thing ever!

56

[QUOTE=Rilchiam]
IAlso, what I didn’t want to mention in the OP, for fear of derailing the thread before it got started, is that the heart of the matter may be “It makes him look like a [whisper]homosexual!![/whisper]”
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Did he overhear this? If so, kid’s for sure knows how to get a rise out of Grandma. And he’ll remember.

Or even get cash out of Grandma: “I met this nice girl, and I’d really like to take her out on a date. But that’d take at least $30, and I’m broke. Guess I’ll have to spend the weekend hanging out with my buddy Bruce.” By the time he got done saying this, Grandma would be digging in her purse for some cash!

57

Hee! Well, Friend says he was not in the room. Don’t know if he could have overheard it.

58

My parents solution for heading off rebellious tendencies was take make fun of us (kids). And BOY did that ever work!!

I remember when I got my ear pierced. I thought I’d NEVER hear the end of it. I was determined tho’. I pierced that fucker myself with a sewing needle. I wasn’t about to endure all that pain for nothing.

59

[QUOTE=Kalhoun]
I still haven’t gotten over the tattoos. He is an ink junkie and it makes me sad.
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Mine too and me too. And my husband worse than me – he hates our sons numerous tattoos. What are you gonna do, though? Nick didn’t get any of his tats until he was >18… around here the tattoo places are pretty serious about checking for ID. I think he will regret them one day, but what do I know? In fact, one of his tattoos is “no regrets” in script on the inside of his forearm…

As for hair – well, hair is nothing. My daughter’s had purple streaks in her hair; she’s dyed it black; she’s dyed it red… And that was all before she was 18. She’s 19 now and has pink and red streaks in it. My son kept his head nearly shaved (used do-it-yourself clippers at home, set at ‘one’) from age 15 to just a few months ago. My husband wasn’t all that crazy about any of this – he is pretty conservative and doesn’t care for anything ‘extreme.’ But he never tried to forbid the kids from doing their thing. Despite his conservatism now, Kevin remembers his own teenage years – when his father actually kicked him out of their house for refusing to get a hair cut! It’s just so stupid. Hair grows out. It just isn’t the hill a reasonable parent should want to die on.

Funny thing is, now that Nick is in the Navy and stationed with a bunch of Marines who mostly keep their heads nearly shaved, now he’s letting his hair grow! His hair is now in the Navy-reg hairstyle that Kevin would have preferred all those years!

The grandmother in the OP sounds like a pain in the nuts. Like my husband, she was around during the hair-wars of the '60s and '70s. She ought to have more perspective than she’s shown.

60

[QUOTE=Jess]
The grandmother in the OP sounds like a pain in the nuts. Like my husband, she was around during the hair-wars of the '60s and '70s. She ought to have more perspective than she’s shown.
[/QUOTE]

You’d think, but some people have selective memories. Mr. Rilch calls them “Lorraine McFly memories.” As in, “When I was your age, I never called a boy or chased a boy or sat in a parked car with a boy!” Except, she did! Likewise, his dad claims he never pulled any crap as a teenager, and Mr. Rilch believed him…until an old pal visited and started reminiscing about “the time we drove around and took out all those mailboxes…haw, haw!”