Parents With Drinking Problems

In My Humble Opinion
1

My mom is a problem drinker. She’s probably an alcoholic. It used to be bad before she got rhematoid arthritis, but she’s toned it down since then. Sometimes she’ll go weeks without drinking anything but water, and then one glass of wine at a resturant or party can cause her to go buy a whole bottle at the store and she drinks it all in the course of a day and a half. I’ve seen her sneak drinks from the cabinet, too. She drinks it in cups where we can’t see that she’s drinking. And she denies it or says it isn’t a big deal.

My dad drinks a lot too, but for some reason I don’t mind as much as when my mom does it (don’t get me wrong, it does worry me). My mom is far more obnoxious when she has had too much to drink than my father. My father just gets stupid, but my mom can get verbally mean and irrational. She’s negative, close-minded, snaps at us, very moody, sometimes doesn’t shower for a few days at a time, wears the same PJs without changing into anything else, lays on the couch all day and watches TV, doesn’t even comb her hair.

And I always feel conflicting feelings during these times. I think, “Should I say anything?” I’ve tried before, but she just snaps about how I’m not her mother and to mind my own business. Then I think, “Maybe I should. She’s an adult”. But then I know that this isn’t healthy. I also think, “At least she’s not abusive. Maybe I should quit being a cry baby”.

Then she’ll go back to work, quit drinking for weeks at a time and I forget about when she does drink because I’m too happy that all is well again.

I’m wondering what I should do, if anything. I’ve heard that there’s no point in telling a problem drinker to quit, that they have to hit rock bottom. The thing is, I don’t think my mom does it enough to ever hit rock bottom.

Is this a normal way to feel, or am I just a busybody? Does anybody else have stories?

2

Oh, sweetie, this sucks. Both of my parents were alcoholics, and, lucky me, I inherited the gene as well. (I’ve now been sober for 17 years +).

There’s not a freakin’ thing you can do about your parents’ drinking. Nada.

All you can do is take care of your own self, physically and emotionally. You might want to consider checking out Al-Anon (or, depending on your age, AlaTeen) for help and support from others in your situation.

Love and hugs,

twicks

3

I had 2 alcoholic parents, both men. Mum married 2 people who drink and it was a horrible way to grow up.

I feel for you. I hate what alcohol does to people, but they are both in their late 50’s now and they seem to have it under control. Neither of them drank because they liked the taste of alcohol but because there were other issues that alcohol help cover. One had back pain and drinking got rid of the pain for a couple of hours, but combine that with pain killers and you’ve got a disaster. The other drank to cover his unhappiness and to avoid responsibility and to forget about his unhappy marriage.

Maybe there is something your Mother is covering by drinking. If she can deal with that maybe she may not feel the need to drink so much.

This advice is highly simplistic I know, but if my Father and step-father had of dealt with their issues early on I don’t think either would have drunk so much.

P.S They are both regretful of their actions 15 and 20 years later.
Too bloody late I say!!!

4

I strongly recommend you read the book - Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Janet Woititz. Right away. It will help you understand so much about the dynamics in an alcoholic family. My mother, my father, my grandfather, my grandmother, my stepfather, and a few other relatives were all alcoholics. The gene AND the behavior patterns are passed on from generation to generation.

This book is only 135 pages long, but packs a big punch. I was moved to tears when I read her description of how bewildered children of alcoholics are. Children of alcoholics grow up not knowing what ‘normal’ is, and always trying to approximate ‘normality’. You grow up not knowing how people behave. You grow up not knowing how people spend their weekends if they are not drinking. You grow up thinking it is normal for your father to be passed out on the floor at 11 AM on Sunday.

She does a great job of highlighting how every alcoholic family has a child who is made to be the ‘hero’. The hero is the one who tries to feed a meal to the drunken parent, the hero is the one who becomes the little parent in the family when the parents are drunk. The hero tries to fix things, the hero can’t fix things, and the hero starts to feel guilty. The hero gets trapped.

And how, if you grow up in in an alcoholic family, none of your friends come to your house to play or hang out. You don’t really notice it. You go to your friend’s houses, they never come to yours.

I read this book at my brother’s suggestion. I learned so much about how not to repeat my parent’s mistakes, and to break out of the pattern. You can’t make your mother stop drinking. But don’t let yourself be trapped by her drinking.
Here is the URL on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1558741127/qid=1061075626/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/002-1414410-0171261#product-details

5

I’m a 40 yr old child of an alcoholic.

You never outgrow it. But, you can find ways to cope.

CBCD is right. You never really know what normal is. When i was a child, Dad was always working, Mom was always gone “socializing.” My older brother and I came home from school, unlocked our empty house, and then left until suppertime. Wasn’t always fun playing all the time. We just didn’t have anything else to do. The rare times Mom was home, she wasn’t very friendly. Even as an adult, if I wanted to talk to her, I called before the afternoon. She’s a mean drinker.

Dad had his own problems. He binged. When he was home, he was a lot of fun. Playing games, reading to us, teaching me to shoot and letting me ride his motorcycle. But, he was trapped (so to speak) in a marraige of convenience, found solace through excelling at his job, and would go off on drinking binges that made him act irrationally.

Oh yeah, they fought a lot, too.

Mom also had a drug problem. Aquired legally through her doctor. It was still an addiction, even if she dd have a prescription for it. She fell into a coma at one of their parties and didn’t wake up for several days. Scary shit for a six yr old boy to witness.

Later, her sister dies at age 38 of alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver. Dad informs us he’s gay. My brother becomes a violent thief and I decide to indulge in my “need” for sexual promiscuity and drug abuse. Little sister could’ve been Madonna.

So, what is normal? I don’t know.

What I do know: people and situations can change.

Mom and Dad stay together as friends (see my thread about gay 'rents from some time ago), Dad quits drinking due to health problems. He wants to live. Mom is struggling to be clean and sober for about two years now. It’s touch and go. (I think seeing seeing my little sister in jail woke her up to the real dangers of drugs and alcohol.) Sis is out of jail and in counseling. Holding down a real job, too. My older brother is a respectable businessman with a failed marraige. I make bets with myself on how long my current love interest will last this time. Three years is the longest. Yahoo. What is normal?

But, and here’s where it all gets a little strange… I think I am a relatively happy person. Content, anyways. Sure, I can’t say I have the basic normal happiness that we all long for, but who does? I have made some changes in my life and my outlook, and I have apparantly coped with the other things. I have some amazing friends. I try to be one to them.

So… a reasonably calm life with some form of contentment is possible for us children of alcoholics.

Who decides what’s normal anyways?

My thoughts are with you, Rabid Child. And my prayers (if you believe that way…)

But, I’m not giving you any advice as to your particular situation other than this: seek outside help. Mental health pro, clergy, trusted wise friend, whatever works for you… you will be glad you did.

6

I think finding someone to talk to is the best way for me. I found that I felt much better after starting this thread.

7

I second CBCD on the book recommendation. I still struggle now and then to know what normal (or even appropriate) is, but I have learned that I am a better judge of normal than my childhood was.
Consider Al Anon and Al A Teen to find others near you to talk with and get support.

Hang in there. You can be happy and find your own normal.

8

I can sympathize.

My father is an alcoholic. When he’s not drunk, he’s almost verbally abusive. Mostly towards myself and my mother. I’ve definitely found that talking helps a lot. If your mother is anything like my father in the way of verbal meanness, then it sounds like you’ve got the right idea finding someone to talk to. I’m going to be going to a counselor with the rest of my family to help with this, and one of my very close friends has also been a very willing ear and a big help with everything.

If you can’t find anyone to talk to, want another perspective, or just need a sympathetic ear, my email address is in my profile.

~literatelady

9

Rabid Child, yet another adult child of an alcoholic checking in. My dad was an alcoholic. He got sober when I was 14. My mom didn’t drink, but had a lot of mental/emotional problems (in hindsight, I’d say it’s pretty certain she had bipolar disorder). A lot of bad shit went down in our house. I’m going to side with all the others who are saying get outside help!

You are not responsible for your parents or their behavior. You can be responsible for your own happiness. Get some help! I don’t mean to sound harsh. I say all of these things with great love, empathy and compassion. I grew up in a screwed up home, but because I forced myself to get outside help, I can do better by my kids!

Best of luck!