OK, well, your OP didn’t mention that. To be fair, a first game in a new school is special, but I would have have missed a game (that wasn’t special for some specific reason) to be there for a friend. Especially for close friend in mourning.
I’d expect my kids to understand that, if they were of an age that they were on a team at all.
I’ve sorta kinda been in your situation before. It sucks. If I lived near you I’d go to a movie with you.
My best friend didn’t come to my wedding because it conflicted with her son’s football game. I understood. I’ve stood up her birthday for years for my own sport.
Please don’t feel this way. I’m sure your friend doesn’t know how important this is to you and does not mean to dis you. But you have to look at it from her point of view too. It’s really hard as a Mom to juggle the husband, the kid, the job and the friends.
For her and the kid this is not just one of 100’s of games. It’s the first game at the kid’s new school and Mom is going out of town right afterwards so this game is singularly important.
You are not alone, your friend is there for you. You need to be there for her too. {{{hugs}}}
sinjin, who thinks sports are stupid but still went to infinity number of swim-meets* and cross-country races** but lucked out when her son asked to opt out of T-ball*** after the first game.
*for the love of OG who thought that swim-meets that start on Friday at 5 pm and go till Sunday at 3pm were a good idea. And if you happen to be paying attention you actually get to see your kid swim for 30 seconds a day.
**Oh it must have been the same person who thought standing out in the rain and/or snow at the butt-crack of dawn waiting an hour for your kid to run by was fun.
***One of the better days of my parental life. By the end of that first game I wanted to stab myself in the ear with an ice-pick just to wake myself back up. He was my favorite kid that day.
Mom’s: “Always trying to do the best by everybody, always failing someone.”
{{{more hugs}}}
I understand this. Believe me, I do. I am twice divorced and am lonely and often feel like everyone else is busy and has people to love them. If we lived near each other, I’d go to the movie with you. But have you thought about going alone? Maybe not to this movie–maybe to another one. I go to movies alone all the time because I keep running into situations like yours–for many people, I guess going to a movie is a big deal, while for me it is a way to fill a very empty, lonely day. But going alone is much better than not going at all. In fact, I can’t think of one time when I’ve gone to a movie alone and not enjoyed it or regretted it. Consider it. Don’t sit home alone just because you don’t have someone to do things with. Do those things anyway, alone.
I feel for you, Brynda. My husband died at age 38 and we had an 11-year old son together. It was incredibly hard, but I had a son, and his presence forced me to keep focus in my days, to keep things going-- work, cook meals etc.
After a while-- but NOT after a few months, that is very soon, you’re still raw-- you begin to breathe again. I don’t know where you live, but if I were nearby I’d go to the movie with you, or have coffee.
BTW, my first outing after JC’s death was with a friend, to a movie, a comedy, and just finding myself in the dark, in a theater, I started to cry silently. I don’t remember what the movie was about, but I remember my friend had said it was a comedy.
Take whatever time you need to heal, and don’t let anyone tell you how long that should be. Take good care of yourself.
You mention that you have other friends, maybe you could see them, do ordinary things together, it doesn’t have to be an outing. If people offer to help or visit, let them. You’re still walking wounded and that’s probably going to last a while longer. Just having people nearby helps.
My comment about the movie vs the game still applies, I would have ditched the Pope himself to see my son play soccer. In your original post, you hadn’t mentioned all the other games during the summer, but still, a first game in a new school? No contest.
As a non parent, absolutely yes. The ideal hind sight solution would have been if she had invited you to the ballgame too, so you spend time together.
If it’s your child, yes, you’re going to want to be there to see them play. I’m so sorry that your chance to connect got screwed up, but please don’t let it stop you from trying again.
Would you consider going to the game with your friend sometime? I nearly got fired for sneaking off work to watch my kid play. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Your “friend” is in the wrong. If you make plans with someone you honor them, especially with someone who has recently lost a loved one.
Also, my condolences. Someone will love you very much again, it will just take some time.
Brynda, I am so sorry for all the heatbreak you have been through.
Really? This would offend me. You can’t really equate a birthday with a wedding.
This is unlikely, to say the least. Youth baseball leagues don’t schedule multiple games for the same team in one day because it can involve the pitchers getting hurt, possibly seriously. On top of that, few professional players play 100 games over a Summer.
While I’m sure you’re sad your friend can’t be with you right now, I don’t think you’re being rational about this (which is understandable considering the death of your husband).
I’m probably a bad parent, even though my children assure me otherwise. For a regular old movie, a regular old night, the kids game would trump the friend. For a friend that is going through something emotional, like the first year without her husband, or another situation that I would consider a crisis, it would be the friend.
Now… if it was something else. The ONLY night my kid stars in the school play. The ONLY night she’s being shown in the art exhibition. I’d try to re-juggle to accommodate both. But how many games are there in a season?
I’m probably a bad person to make a statement on it, though. My dad wiggled out of every school event he could. I wiggle out of every school event I can. And one day, my kids are likely to do the same. My kids wouldn’t be offended by it (they seem to have adopted or inherited my values), but likely, her son would see it differently.
As a non-parent and someone who doesn’t even particularly like children, I would chosen my son’s game over the movie but would have offered to go to the movie at a different time. I would not have skipped my best friend’s wedding, however. Unless it was the third or fouth one…
As a parent, I would have checked the damned game schedule before making plans. That said, mixups happen, and yeah, I would have gone to the game, but I also would have made a point of working with you to reschedule the movie.
No way in hell would I miss a *wedding *for a regular season, not once-in-a-lifetime game, though, that’s crazy. Sometimes it’s good to remind your kid that they’re not actually the most important person in the entire world.
My daughter was uninterested in sports thank goodness, because it’s an absolutely crazy commitment of time. I happen to like my free time, and have no desire to spend it roasting or freezing at various far-flung athletic fields. She blessedly tended toward more artsy endeavors, the kind where there’s a play or a concert or a show once every few months.
Obviously your friend knows you are having a hard time. But mourning is complicated - some people like to be left alone somewhat, and some outsiders really have no idea how to deal with or react to others’ pain, so even though it sucks they may be inclined to avoid having to deal with it. While I don’t recommend doing this as a guilt trip type thing to get your friend to skip the game, maybe tell her if you havent already that you really need to be around people more? It may be obvious to you how much you need other people now but she may think like I said above, that you need alone time or she is unequipped to deal with your pain. It sucks but sometimes you really have to be the one to reach out to others even when it feels like you shouldnt have to.
Hi Brynda,
I haven’t the first idea what it must be like to try and move forward with your life after losing a husband and if I’m honest, I hope I don’t ever find out.
That said, there’s nothing wrong with your friend making her son priority. She’d be a bad parent and a bad person if she did anything else.
Whilst I’m sure she wants to help you out as much as she can, she can’t handle you with kid gloves forever either. With all due respect, it sounds as though you might even be dragging her down, particularly if you’re becoming dependent on her for company and support all the time.
There is only so much other people can do to help, the rest is up to you. 
Brynda - I’m not sure which movie it is, but you know I’m probably not the best person to see it with. That being said, most baseball games only last about an hour (I think - so not a sports fan) and I think there should be some compromise in the movie schedule to make it possible to attend both. Late show rather than early, or something.
StG
Thanks for your insights. Like I said before, I obviously don’t get the importance of kid’s sports, so that would an eye-opener for me.
We actually ended up going to the movie, which was good. The game was cancelled.
I am going to post a thread in MPSIMS on grief. If someone could link to it, I would be most grateful.
Yay! Incidentally, what was the film?